The Local Tea Party

10 things you should not do with a woman

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 11:40:37 +0530

(Ladies, this is advice for men. If you are still reading this means don’t come shouting at me. I am not responsible.)

10. Do not argue or try arguing with the ladies. Especially if they happen to be your mother. (Equally applicable to others.) Even if you are winning, you will walk away feeling you have lost.

9. Do not think you can overtake or even try to overtake some ladies in traffic. Because the main thing is they don’t have any distraction on the road. But you are having a major distraction on the road. Them. Even if you succeed, you will be caught by the traffic police at the next signal and the ladies will be happily going past you. Worst thing is, even then they will not turn and look at you.

8. Don’t try to get into or discuss misogyny stuff with them. Some ladies I know can do it better than men.

7. When you are out with the ladies shopping for something on the pavement, don’t show off by trying to take the lead and bargain with the shopkeeper. He will look at you top to bottom and take his stuff back and ask you to leave. Wait for the ladies to start bargaining and that fellow’s starting price will be half of your final offer.

6. Whatever you do, better don’t assume that women don’t know bad words and get into an argument based on their puppy-face innocent looks. Boss, I am telling you, one woman I know knows so much bad words that I suffered severe internal brain damage listening to her. New new dictionaries are waiting to be written.

5. Sports. Avoid discussing this ladies. No No. Not because of the stereotype that women don’t follow sports and all that. Actually the opposite. The other day I was randomly showing off my love for cricket to one girl and she immediately jumped up and started talking about changing Sri Lankan cricket scenario. Boss who follows Sri Lankan cricket anyway, that too if India is not even playing! And she kept quoting so many statistics about the players that at some point I was seriously considering following carrom board or something. If they tell you they don’t follow sports, don’t discuss sports. Discuss something else that makes good conversation. If they tell you they follow sports, then also don’t discuss sports. You are doing your pride a big favour.

4. Do not try to outdo the ladies by reading more books than they read. That is impossible. No. Don’t even protest. They are reading all sorts of authors and all sorts of books that you will be beginning to think you have to quit your fulltime job to even match that amount of reading. If you have read 2,54,874 books in your lifetime, your lady friend would have read 2,54,875 books, many of them even depressing titles. And despite all this, you will be finding hardly any common authors worthy enough for conversation. Except P.G.Wodehouse. Of course.

3. Just don’t think ki all women can cook great. One friend couple I know, that guy is a horrible cook. That woman is even more horrible. One day I went to eat with them. That guy only cooked. That woman was saying ‘Yummmmyyyyyy’. Boss, there was no salt only! What kind of culinary skill is this?

2. Don’t lose your ordinariness. ‘Prince charming’ in white horse, vampire, ‘knight in shining armour ‘and all that the ladies will say, but ordinary fellow wins in the end.

1. VERY VERY IMPORTANT. Do not challenge a woman in a gym. I am serious. If you go to a gym means just go, look down all the time, do your routine, come back home and drink milk. If you think, ‘Pfft, a woman, I can do better than her’ means, all the best.

One pretty woman in the gym was putting off her headphones in her ears. She looked like she was getting ready to jog or walk on the treadmill. Correct that’s what I thought. Wrong. Boss, she pressed some buttons and started running. Like, real running. The kind of running you and I have last done only on a day when we forgot to polish our school shoes and our PT teacher had a fight with the spouse that morning.

I kid you not man, I tried to match her speed for exactly 11 seconds before I tripped and fell off the treadmill and my foot got caught in the moving rubber and I was rolling over and under the treadmill in circles but she was running as if nothing was happening! Arey, focus while exercising is good, but this kind of focus is too much yaar.

They called an ambulance for me and all and she was still running when the paramedics took me inside the ambulance, completely unaware of my life situation for which she was responsible. Later I checked, it seems she was still running when the gym was closing for the day and when the neighbouring shop owner looked through the glass when the last light was switched off, she was still running.

So boss, take my advice. And take care of yourself.

Happy Women’s Day.

Circus elephant and the naked chameleon

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 11:40:00 +0530

Boss something is wrong with this world. I am sitting here trying to change the world but so many distractions are happening and I am not able to change even a ten rupee note into coins. Some problems yaar. I don’t know how to explain only. Because I myself don’t know what the problem is!

See I am following all the rules in the traffic. OK not all. This red signal-orange signal is a big confusion all the time. So sometimes I pleasure the rebel in myself by breaking the traffic signals. I mean, not like climbing up the pole and throwing down the traffic light and breaking it types. But, generally breaking the rules.

But seriously, when I am breaking the rules, nobody is around ok? So net damage is zero. But when I am following the rules and someone else breaks the rules no, I bloody want to break his face only. It is because of stupid people like this that the country is still ‘developing’ (whatever that means).

Arey the other day, this fellow made a joke about me and told me itself! How dare he? I was about to slap him only. He asked me whether it was a bad joke! Arey! How can he make fun of me? Boss I will tell jokes about everyone and make people laugh (making people laugh is such a noble thing), I will make fun of all actors and politicians and other people’s physical appearances and might even get paid for it, but if someone makes fun of me means, that’s all. I will whoop their ass in public, baby. Sorry boss, I can only tell jokes but I can’t take jokes.

So I wrote this giant article about a movie by one actor who is a megalomaniac and uses all possible ways to promote his work, ok? That fellow usually shamelessly plugs his works and goes about selling his art, something that he has invested in for decades. So I wrote a nice article against his silly methods. Boss it was such a beautiful article I wrote, I wanted everyone to read and appreciate my criticism. I asked people to share it and retweet it and like it and comment on it. Then one stupid fellow is putting a comment and criticising ki he didn’t like my critique. What the hell yaar? How can he say such a thing?

I want to look around and beat up people like that.

I especially want to beat up people who look at other human beings as pieces of meat. I want to break their jaws if they make dirty comments in public. How dare they look at other people as if they were objects?! Boss I will secretly admire film stars and models and fantasise about them but you cannot do it. Please. Not in my presence. Privately you do whatever you want to do or behave however you want to behave and regard other human beings as you want to, but in public, behave as if you are basically a nice person. Because who I really am not is not important for you. What others think of me is only important. So I will behave like a nice person and not really offend anyone openly.

But you know how I will slyly offend people. For that also I have a technique.

I will insult them by giving ‘offensive tags’ to natural processes. I will call older people as ‘uncle-based’ and ‘aunty-types’. Because being called old is bad and being called young is good, you see. I will call fat people fat. Because being called fat is bad but being called slim is good.

Ugly is bad. Beautiful is good. [Ok, this one I didn’t understand properly. Because if someone is not naturally beautiful but appears beautiful because of using make up, then what is there to be proud of? That beauty is anyway artificial. If someone is naturally beautiful from birth, then also what is there to be proud of? That person had nothing to do with their beauty. They were just born that way. Full confusion yaar!]

Anyway, that is the basic problem. I am telling them to do one thing and everybody is doing exactly the opposite. So many serious problems are there in the world and we are talking about such silly issues.

Ok come let’s discuss about changing the world.

What is this conspiracy?

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 14:21:00 +0530

How things have come to this level is a great mystery. Even greater mystery is how nobody is objecting to it! Boss, attracting the females is the one and only full time aim of the gentlemen in this world is it?! Who said? Bring that fellow here. Not everything that men want to buy is to attract the ladies!

What a ridiculous false propaganda this is! I am serious man, take a look at the advertisements and you will start thinking ki men are roaming around the streets always thinking ‘How do I attract the ladies? How do I attract the ladies?’

And Virat Kohli is coming and giving two ideas instead of one to attract girls it seems. First of all, which idiot will buy a phone to attract a girl? No seriously, tell me. And I don’t understand who will be the bigger joker here, the guy who will buy this cellphone or the girl who will be attracted to him because of this?

At least this fellow is young fellow (cellphone company, not Virat Kohli) and at least cellphone—>smartphone—>smart—>gents some connection is there. We can forgive. But underwear? Underwear???!!!

First and second of all, how and why will the ladies know what brand underwear the men are wearing? Even if they know and even if they get attracted to it, it means it is the name of the underwear brand that is attractive and not its contents. Why you are spreading such false propaganda against the gentlemen like this? And then lungi! Don’t even want to discuss that here.

Arey, one time you are showing a girl running away from a guy with a car to a guy with a two-wheeler. On seeing this thousands of gentlemen are buying bikes in the hope of giving lift to a girl from bus-stop. But then there are no girls only in the bus stop because secretly you are selling Scooty and Activa to them. And then you are also showing girls running away from guy with bike to guy with car and they both are leaving the guy with bike in deal and secretly giggling ‘Let’s Go’. What ridiculous nonsense is this?

Then you will come tell, ‘Oh, so you are saying then this is not true? Men don’t want to attract ladies?’, this, that. True boss, that desire will be there, but not like what you are saying. But we will understand if you say things like, ‘If you go to gym, you will attract ladies’ or ‘If you read good books, you will attract ladies.’

But see for yourself, what nonsense you are yapping.

If you buy a soft drink, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a bike, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a car, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a cellphone, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a suitcase, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a lungi, you will attract ladies.

If you buy underwear, you will attract ladies.

If you buy music cd, you will attract ladies.

If you buy toothpaste, you will attract ladies.

If you use debit card, you will attract ladies.

Boss! What is this?

Already some idiot men are doing nonsense things to ladies and the whole country is outraging. On top of this you are showing as if men are so desperate to attract the ladies. And already men are confused ki when the ladies will be funny and when they will suddenly become angry and say ‘You are such a misogynist. All men are rapists. All men are like this. All men are like that.’ On top of this you are showcasing men like this means how?

Arey other than the Drive to Bond, men also have some other nice decent intentions too. Like…ok there is no time to discuss such lengthy topics here. Later.

Even if the men are doing all of the above things and more on top of this, the ladies will say, ‘This and all ok, but most importantly the man should have a sense of humour. That is only crucial.’ Then what will the gentlemen do? Everything is now waste.

Better you do one thing. If you want to make such advertisements means first you manufacture appropriate product like one Sense of Humour spray. Then you can advertise as

‘Spray this and attract ladies!’

‘Just one spray for one hour of sense of humour! Lasts long! Really long!’

At least some sense will be there.

But then, even for that also ladies will counter it because they will come fully loaded with a Sense of Sarcasm Spray. Or worse. Pepper spray.

Who will deal with such things?

A few last words

Thu, 20 Dec 2012 00:57:00 +0530

20.12.2012

In case the world is ending tomorrow, I want to leave some tips and tricks for the future humans, so that they are not repeating the same mistakes and bringing the same fate to themselves. (At least let them live happily forever, no?)

TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN

If you are reading this means, congratulations on inhabiting the earth once again. We humans rock. (To hell with cockroaches.) But before you start celebrating, you have to learn from past experience. Below, you will be finding some things we learnt while we rocked the planet ‘lyk nething’. I hope you use the below information correctly to ensure your continued presence on the planet.

1. Find the following two objects wherever they are and ~~destroy~~ hide them immediately

a. Harris Jeyaraj music CDs

b. Akshay Kumar movie DVD/CD/Bluray/Torrents

Also, never ever refer to them as ‘classics’. Some people used to do that and we are wondering ki if that is one reason the world ended. You don’t do the same mistake and bring the same fate upon yourselves. This is a second chance for humans. Please make use of it.

2. One clarification. There are no boyfriends in engineering college. There are no girls in engineering college. FYI.

3. No need to keep blaming the British for everything. Forgive them. They are already suffering till their last breath. Because Prince Charles is still Prince. Hahaha.

4. Never eat dosa with spoon and fork. (We think this is the number one reason the world wanted to end itself.)

5. If you are finding maps of countries or states, burn them. No need for boundaries. There is nothing called patriotism. Not required. We were test firing missiles all the time and forgot about diabetes. No need to prove that where you were born is the best place in the whole world when you had no control over that fact.

6. If you are male, try the following two things with a woman.

a. Look into her eyes while talking

b. Win an argument.

If you are able to achieve any/all of this means please leave a record for the future generations.

7. Test cricket is dying. Save it.

8. If you find grammar-nazis, kidnap them. Learn from them, but don’t let them out on the streets.

9. Don’t wear shoes (especially sports shoes) without socks. Ever.

10. We used to make fun of people based on what they read. I mean, ladies were reading books that nobody has even heard of, man! Where they found such books we didn’t know. And the tragedy in those books, uff! Too much crying. But it was so much fun making fun.

11. They used to make fun of people based on what book they followed. It was not fun. Better you avoid such things.

12. You don’t have to be honest all the time. If you break a neighbour’s window while playing cricket, run.

13. If you like someone means tell them. You never know when the world will end again. Even if it does not end, somebody will make a stupid movie out of the story and will call it ‘love story of the millennium’ etc etc. Better to avoid such complications.

14. Don’t put emotional status message updates. Somebody will say ‘k’ and you will think they are insensitive and you will be more emotionally upset.

15. Laugh. This is easier said than done only, but the world itself has ended and you are still around. What more reason you want to laugh at everything thrown at you?

Yours truly,

Love thy objects

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 13:00:35 +0530

It’s ok, boss. Don’t act too smart and call me superstitious. Everybody is attached to things ok? No no, not like attached to limbs and all. That everybody is. I mean the objects. Simply don’t keep on seeing rationale in everything.

Not every object becomes close to you just like, right? Only some objects give you the privilege of being in love with them. And only some of them are interested in your secrets.

Like the study table. Name only study table. You think studies happened at the table? Nothing like that. Only day-dreaming happened. Till date, it only knows how much of the marks I got in the exam was actually deserved. The only reason that table is still sitting in the house is because it cannot talk. There is a reason such objects don’t talk. Because if they talk means, that’s all, total honour gone for a toss.

Or take the vehicle. Boss, my mother has no idea I can use so many bad words like that! But the vehicle has a complete list of bad words I have used so creatively on other people while going on the road.

Forget bad words at others, you know how many conversations I have had with myself? Some days I am talking to myself and playing one entire movie on the vehicle - full comedy, tragedy, song sequence, everything in one journey.

Sometimes this vehicle will think I am talking to it and in protest of my argument, it will simply stop in the middle of the road. After a couple of relationship-based bad words at the inanimate object, things will be normal again and I will get moving.

Vehicle at least we can sell off or replace once it is starting to put too much repairs. But how will anyone know when to replace the underwear?! (I am talking about the decent underwear, not the dirty one.)

So the best thing to do is to keep on using it until a hole starts appearing. Then suddenly, the love for that underwear increases. So keep on wearing until the hole becomes bigger and bigger. And this love will spread to other torn clothes as well.

I don’t know why the brain thinks like that, but the torn clothes are the most comfortable clothes to be wearing. It is publicly visible (the hole), but still without any hesitation, I am wanting to wear it.

Mother will want to tear it out and use it in the kitchen, but no chance! That dress still has some more life in it yaar! Anyway, we are inside the house only no? Why waste? But after some days, that logic also goes away and suddenly I am roaming around the street to the nearby shop in the torn dress. See, I know the dress is torn somewhere, but nobody else knows no? Then why bother? Let me wear it for some more days.

Anyway, we are not that posh to keep changing dress just like that. As it is, the waist line is conducting a graduation ceremony every few months, on top of that if we have to replace the dress so frequently means how? Or they should give expiry date for such things. Even then we will not be changing, because these things are holding more secrets than anybody else in this world.

See attachment to objects and all have plenty of reason and logic ok? Objects come with a purpose and they will be leaving us only if the purpose is fully completed. Whether you have seen Lord of the Rings or not? Certain things if anyone takes them away means that’s all, life will stop only (MP3 player and iPhone and all not counted). The emotional trauma of the loss will be so much ki, it will give many sleepless nights and all. What if some black magic fellow made that object talk? What if this object suddenly started talking and telling all strange truths about me? Better to take care of it with love and affection and maintain it carefully.

No way I can let go of that blanket.

Keep the change but you won't find it

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 12:42:51 +0530

This is beginning to get funny. On one hand, from the childhood, they are saying ki change is coming change is coming, you must be geared to face the change etc etc. On the other hand, there are these worst fellows who are saying ki ‘Oh tradition is getting spoilt. We must not let things change! etc etc’.

Relax boss, both of you. Let me tell you something. From the childhood till today, we are waiting, but where is the change??

After school they said college. Professor replaced teacher. After college they said work. Boss replaced professor. Then after first job. Worst boss replaced better boss. And then we even tried changing jobs and all, but… no way. Nothing is changing.

First we are looking at our parents and thinking ki, no way I am going to be like that. I am going to change everything around me and remove all the imperfections and make this a better place to live and all that BS, we will think. Home state, mother-tongue (that too if you are migrant means that’s all, total hatred for the mother-tongue only), religion, caste etc everything we will ridicule when we are young.

First opposition we will put is, total ridicule of the arranged marriage. All the friends will even agree ki it is ‘such a lame concept’ and all that. And yet, when you grow up these matrimony websites are having millions of registered accounts, that too operated by the parents only. Ok leave it, this, people are doing out of parents’ compulsion and so not doing it voluntarily.

But after this only change will start changing.

From the baby days, we are looking for change, but when you go to a new country or a new place, you want to go to a restaurant that serves you homely food in a ‘traditional manner’ it seems. Boss, you only wanted change no? Then take it!

While at home, nobody wanted to be a part of the festival ritual. On festival holidays, you will run away to play cricket instead of staying with the family and then when you are away from home, you are missing home and you want to take part in all the rituals.

But best moment of revelation comes when suddenly, from being the most boring dish, curd rice becomes the ‘best dish in the whole world!!!!!’. Add one more statement like ‘tender coconut is the coolest drink ever!’ and any talk of ‘permanent change’ is a myth from now on.

You could have pretended you hated your mother-tongue when you were young and spoken only in English with your family people and all, but suddenly you will be feeling attachment to some guy from your state who has done something proud for the country (like winning Olympics or securing a H1B or securing a train ticket using IRCTC website).

Then suddenly <language-religion> or <language-caste> becomes a cool word and you will even put it in all your profile descriptions, along with your favourite traditional food item or beverage.

Now that’s it. Flood gates are open. To hell with change.

Ladies will start dressing exactly like how their mother was dressing. Best is gents. Hair color and hair style will change but the amount of hair on head will be just like that on the father. You are thinking you are different from your father because you are more adventurous and left home to work somewhere, but sorry boss, father also did exactly the same thing when he was young. Father went to office without tucking in the shirt and went in Sandals. We are wearing shoes and tie and all and doing the same. Father used real pens and real files. We are using keyboard and computer files. That’s all. Everything else is the same.

Before you realise, this mysterious thing called ‘change’ is nowhere to be seen.

And we are sitting and wondering how we are having a culture that is many centuries old.

Happy Diwali.

So much to be concerned about

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 12:25:00 +0530

Full confusion only. One minute everything is happy and the next minute the world looks like it is going to end. I think I want to pull my hair.

See, India beat Pakistan. Everybody (I mean some people in India, maybe some in Pakistan also) is celebrating. Then immediately they are showing some protest rally where some people are demanding a separate state and all. See now you tell whether to celebrate or feel sorry?

Whenever we are celebrating means, you are putting all the guilt in the head and saying ‘How can you celebrate when so much atrocities are happening around you?’. Immediately I am losing all the high.

I don’t know boss. From the childhood this only big problem. When I am laughing out loudly means, the parents people are telling ‘Don’t laugh too much. Don’t laugh loudly. Don’t laugh like that. Don’t laugh. Tomorrow you will cry. Etc etc’ means how? I think that is why secretly they invented short forms like lol, rofl and all so that it is not appearing like we are actually laughing too much. Tell me something, if I am crying too much means whether anyone is coming and telling ‘Don’t cry too much, tomorrow you will end up laughing out loud. Be careful!’? No na? Then? Why this partiality against laughter?

Anyway. But why I should not do that is my only question. I should not have total fun itself, is it? ‘Do you know how many people are suffering in the world right now? Have you ever thought of it?’ you are asking .

Correct boss, even I am angry at all the bullshit happening in the world. I will even go out of my way to make a difference and like a page and forward SMS to 11 people within 24 hours. But what more you want me to do? And more importantly why you are telling me all this only when I am happy and jolly? Your only aim is to make me feel guilty is it? How can you expect one person be concerned about so many things in the world?

See, just now everybody got angry about corruption and did protest march and all. I also got angry. Just watching all that itself made me tired. Then some nuclear based protest happened and I again got angry. Then some demand for separate sta..arey! How many times to get angry yaar? Give some rest, no? Sometimes I must also be happy and take a break na? Absolutely no concern about the world, you are accusing. Even if I care, for that also you will say, ‘Oho, suddenly you are an expert in this topic, is it? Where were you all these days?’ Boss, first you decide what you want to accuse me of.

Yes, the world is full of problems only. Something is happening somewhere and you want us to do something about it means what to do? Who will look after our families? We are also middle-class people only no?

For that only we have elected and put certain people in certain places to do certain things. If they are not doing their jobs, and you want us to take action against them because they are not taking any action against the atrocity means who will do my job here? Whether you will come and do? What logic is this?

Ok, agreed. I am not buying products that are using child labour. I am not encouraging cruelty to animals. I am not spoiling the environment. I am not cheating. I am not stealing. I am putting vote in all the elections. I am paying my taxes regularly. Still what more you want me to do?

We are also having so many problems in life, ok? Severe water shortage in our apartment. Everyday we have to wake up early to store water. And then they are plucking away electricity every day, hiding it somewhere and giving it back just before we die, so that they can play this game with us for one more day. Back problem is coming because of terrible roads. Elevator is not working properly. Cafeteria food is so horrible.

Now you tell me who is protesting on my behalf for all this? Head is going to explode only.

The ones that made us

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 14:48:24 +0530

See the thing is, I don’t know where to start. Where it started with YOU I am able to remember and all. But then, what to say, how to say, that is a little difficult. It has been so many years no…

And yet, after so many years, I am not able to forget you. You know why? Because of the things you have done to me!

Boss what is the problem if I went running down the corridor, shouting at the top of my voice? Immediately you will stop and pull my hair and scold. And while pulling my hair only you will realise ki I have not had my haircut on time and scold me for that also. Because of you, even today I am getting restless if I don’t get a haircut on time!

What is your job and what you are doing? You want to teach means teach but why you are threatening me all the time? I am thinking ki they actually paid you to scare the hell out of me just by glaring at me. Especially with your glasses and all, your eyes looked even bigger! My god, how scary! And I am still thinking you are the reason I get scared even today whenever I see someone with wide-open eyes.

And you know something? It is now officially in my DNA to look around first before speaking out an unparliamentary word. I’m just making sure you are not around when I am saying the bad word. See what you have done to me!

Best is, for anything and everything you will threaten to call my parents and complain about me. And at home, you know what my parents will do? They will threaten to complain about me to you! Arey! What kind of game was this? And I was getting so much worried about who will complain what to whom!

All this despite the fact that I was so much impressed by you.

I liked the way you had command over English so much, that it often sent me stammering while talking to you because I didn’t want you to ridicule me in front of others. And I always thought you deliberately used cursive writing on the blackboard to mock at my useless handwriting.

You wowed me with your intelligence by giving answers to every question I asked. And I knew what kind of questions to ask you because certain kinds of questions and certain kinds of actions attracted violent physical reactions from you, that is a different story.

And oh, I even had a crush on you because I liked the way you dressed.

No no, I am not saying ki you are bad or that you made me feel bad and all. In fact, it is the opposite.

I may be an average person today, but you never made me feel average. Somehow, at least one of you had something nice to say about me. At least one of you said I was good. At least one of you stayed back every day after work for me because you felt responsible for my future.

But you see, after you left, a lot of people replaced you.

Unlike you, they didn’t scold me for fighting with others. They actually told me that everyone around me was my competitor and that I had to ‘fight the world’ to survive. Maybe because you knew something that these guys didn’t know. Maybe you knew that the guy I was fighting with, was not my competitor but would actually become a friend for life.

They didn’t ask me to stop running around or even slow down, because they only said I had to run hard if I had to stay in the same place.

They stopped worrying about how much I absorbed. They were only interested in how much I could give. They said they had a job to do. But nobody said they had a responsibility.

At least once, I had wished I would become someone like you. But I did not. And you probably expected that to happen, because you knew me better than anyone else. But I also think you are expecting something else to happen.

You are probably sitting in your chair with your big eyes reading something, expecting me to come up meekly and say, Happy Teacher’s Day.

Can we end this?

Sat, 14 Jul 2012 19:14:00 +0530

You do one thing. First you grow up. Because, if you grow up means, automatically your son will grow up. And when your son is growing up, give him a pack of condoms. Now don’t give that confused look and all. Seriously, give him a pack of condoms. Along with that, give him a lot of free advice. Don’t think that he won’t take it. Give it anyway, he will eventually take it.

Tell your son to go out with the girls. Tell him to give them hugs and high-fives and ask them to go out on day trips and have fun. Tell him that it is not important to get married before having sex and that if he feels like it, ask him to use that condom you just gave him. Tell him that the Health and Glow shop anyway has lots of varieties of them near the cash counter itself and that he need not be embarrassed to go buy them if he has to. No one will notice.

Tell him that he can talk about sex in your presence. And that you will not feel embarrassed about it.

Tell your son that it is ok to watch pornography. Don’t ask him to watch it when you are around and all, that will be indecent, but still tell him that there is nothing wrong in watching two adults in action.

Tell your son to read erotic fiction and have some fun. In fact, if possible, you only give a copy of the Kamasutra to him. He won’t understand any of it anyway, but still give it to him. Or try Harold Robbins.

Ask him to log on to Chatrooms and have sex chat with a random girl on the other end. It could be a guy pretending to be a girl, but still that and all doesn’t matter. Ask him to have it nevertheless.

Ask him to do sexting with this girlfriend, but tell him to do it discreetly. Tell him it is ok to have phone sex with her and that even if you overhear something from his room, tell him that you will pretend you have not heard anything. Promise him you won’t embarrass him.

Tell him to fall in love with a woman (or a man). Tell him to go head-over-heels (or something like that) about her. Tell him to admire her beauty. Actually, tell him to admire the beauty of all women. Tell him that they are single most source of joy on the planet and that without them the world is nothing. Tell him to make love to a woman in a manner that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Tell him to relax and enjoy sex.

But before you do ANY of the above,

Tell him what they show on National Geographic Channel. Tell him that male animals don’t have sex without the permission of the female animal. Tell him that it is a shame to touch a woman without her permission. Tell him that it is a failure on your part and on the way you have brought him up. Tell him that it is a failure to his manhood.

Tell him that real life pornography requires her permission. Tell him that if a woman agrees, no amount of erotica can match a woman’s passion. But ask him to wait for the woman to agree first.

Tell him that a woman is a human being. Just like him. Not a piece of object. Tell him that while it is ok to admire her beauty, grabbing her body parts without her permission is worse than stealing food from rabies-ridden street dog. Tell him that just because he possesses a penis, it does not give him the right to mate with every vagina in the vicinity automatically.

Tell him that even broken hearts can be mended but he cannot break a woman’s dignity at any cost.

Tell him that raping is a Sin for which Man will have to pay a heavy price. A very heavy price.

Good looks. And then?

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 14:13:00 +0530

Boss what is this obsession with looking good all the time? Every minute of the day you want to look good is it? Not possible. No no, not just the ladies ok? I am talking about the gentlemen too. Always you want to look good means how is it possible? Whether you are working in beauty parlour?

Earlier they used to call it beauty parlour and all the ladies used to go to do something with threads or something. At that time, all the men happily used to sit and read some magazines, I mean see some pictures of…ladies, I mean girls. But these beauty parlour fellows have totally messed up everything. They saw ki men are wasting time and so they said, ‘Arey, we will cut hair for men too, come come!’

So women are getting haircut and next seat men are also getting haircut. Women are looking at themselves in the mirror seriously and men are also looking at them secretly through the mirror. Best part is the women know everything that is happening and still they act as if they have not seen the men seeing them. What boss? Why such acting?

Hair looks so boring, it seems. If it is boring, why you are looking at it? Go watch some TV or play video games. Anyway you are going to put your hairband in your wrist only. For that why so much trouble?

Ok leave that. We used to happily go to ‘Malabar Saloon’ and get haircut and all. Now, suddenly all the saloon fellows have become salon fellows. Best is, they dropped one ‘O’ from saloon and added two ‘0’s to the price! Suddenly, ten rupees hair cut is thousand rupees. Arey! At least put some radio no, some decent music or general knowledge will come. Instead they are playing party music. What?! Boss, hair is getting cut yaar, how to shake the leg to the music? Whether you will face the consequence of ugly haircut? Maybe you will face, but I won’t.

On top of all this, they are selling hair cream to give ‘that Just-out-of-bed’ look it seems. Arey! If I want to get that look, I will simply get out of bed and go straight, no?

Indecent fellow will cut the hair and should simply leave no? He won’t. Very cleverly he will look at your face and say ‘Sir your skin is too rough and ugly patches are coming. You want to remove them?’ And we are thinking ki, ‘Boss, if one guy itself calling me ugly means what will the girls think?’ Men are feeling like this means, imagine how women will feel when asked like this? Ok, no need to imagine.

And he also wants to cut my nails it seems. No thank you. I have Made in Korea nail-cutter at home.

And the trouble taken in the gym. Uff. No need to mention at all. I think the gym fellows are our creditors in the previous birth. Otherwise why we will simply give money and forget about it? Especially because anyhow you are visiting Frankie’s every alternate day. What is the point? And yes, six-pack is useless. Women will look and drool and all but ultimately fall for the ‘chubby cute’ guy with nice paunch, because he looks ‘normal’. Why bother anyway?

You put fairness cream wherever you want to, but result will be the same. Somebody is always fairer than you, so again, don’t bother. There are six billion people in this planet. Who are you trying to impress?

Boss, you do whatever you want to look good. Nothing wrong. Your money, you spend. If nothing is working you can at least download some nice filters on Adobe Light Room and impress others. Anyhow you are already using Instagram.

But see, just looking good is not at all important no? Ordinary looking people cannot live in this planet is it? Who said?

However ‘beautiful’ you are, if you are walking around with a frown means what is the point? People will throw mustard at your face and it will explode only.

I don’t understand why we are trying so hard when there is an easy way to become the most beautiful person in the planet. Put one simple honest smile. That’s all.

Look where it matters, no?

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 12:43:11 +0530

Boss, you are looking in the wrong place. Then you are simply coming and complaining this city is useless, this city is not having this, this city is not having that and all. See every city has its problems ok?

If you go to a new city means immediately you start complaining. Agreed boss, it is not like your city and is full of shit. Cow shit, goat shits, human shit and lots of crow shit. Everywhere you go it smells of bathroom. The river looks like bathroom itself. But why you are looking at the appearance only I don’t understand?

Right boss, agreed. The transport system is ridiculous. No one can travel without looking like Albert Einstein. Just like him, everybody’s doing mental calculations only. Of their EMIs. What they will do? Poor fellows.

See, like any gift, a city is also nicely wrapped in multiple layers ok?

You are looking at the wrapping paper and passing comments means not acceptable. Some people buy expensive wrapping paper and tie colourful ribbon and all but inside will be one useless gift item like alarm timepiece. Boss who even uses timepiece these days?

First of all you don’t understand the concept of time itself properly. You want to roam around the streets in the night means, ok, your wish, democratic country, you do whatever you want. But simply you are coming and asking, ‘Where is the night life, where is the night life?’ means go to hell. Arey, others have to sleep no? Always complaining ‘The city shuts down so early, all shops are closed so early’ and this and that. Shopkeepers don’t have family or what? They are also humans no? For you they will have to keep the shop open all through the night is it?

Best is you will go ‘Uff, this city is so hot!’. As if we requested the sun to burn us. Boss, what to do? Geography. That’s all.

And the complaining against the food. No, don’t even get me started.

Boss issue is very simple. That is why I am saying you are looking in the wrong places. All your clubs and pubs and bars and other alcohol related problems are genuine only, agreed. Decent places to hang out is also not there, that also agreed. But these things do not make a city no?

What truly makes a city is its people, right?

Before you say stupid things about the city, ask yourself some of these questions

Are the people always watching your back? (Pun intended, unfortunate, ignorable)

The neighbour aunty is nosy, agreed. She will ask you where you are going but she is also asking whether you had dinner and if you say no means she will happily offer to give whatever she cooked, right?

You can comfortably give your house keys to her and go out (and no she will not open your house when you are gone) and she will even collect your milk packets and keep it in her fridge for you, no?

If you visit somebody’s house means they insist you eat and go no? Will they let you go without making you eat at least one biscuit?

Some neighbour kid from some apartment in the building will come and give you a chocolate and say it is his birthday, right? You don’t even know who it is but you still take it and wish him no?

Whether families are waking up early, cooking, dropping the kids in the school and then driving god-knows-how-far to work? Are they taking their kids to the beach and parks to play on the weekends?

If two people are fighting in the street like mad dogs means there are still some good souls that are interfering and doing the match referee work no?

Grandparents and grandchildren are still living in the same house right?

If you are leaving the city means people are feeling sad and they are wishing you will come back again no?

If you say yes to any of these means then what is your problem boss?

Relax. You are living in a special city. A city full of ordinary people.

The television is not a family thing

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 13:20:00 +0530

Have you tried watching TV with your parents? Don’t. If you still want to do so means, all the best.

First of all it is the most confusing and frustrating experience you will have in your life. You will be watching some movie for a long time. Nobody will be around. But I don’t know from where they will come, but the moment two people are kissing on screen, the parents will appear from somewhere and stand behind you.

I am thinking the kissing will be at romantic level and will go away in one second or so. But at that time only those two will passionately roll on the floor and just not stop it. Oh god, terribly embarrassing it will be. And on top of that the parents will ask ki, ‘What movie you are watching?’ As if it is very important now. Boss, I myself am upset right now.

While we were kids only they prevented us from seeing all the adult stuff. Next day in school, this guy will come and tell ki how his parents were out of town and how he watched Basic Instinct full movie on Star Movies and all. But when our parents go out of town, all the useless movies they will put. Ok fine, then we were kids and were not ‘supposed’ to see them. Ok.

But now? Now we are fully grown proper adults and still they are preventing? Actually, they are not preventing us and all. They are only just standing near you and watching along with you. How to watch, you tell? Now, don’t give lecture ki, if you want adult stuff means you can see it on internet like teenagers. That and all we know. I am asking about proper adult content that can be shown on TV.

Now some ‘open-minded’ fellow will be thinking ki, what is there? Why to feel so embarrassed and all? Arey, what to do? You will understand only if your parents also had changed the channels when Carefree advertisement came on air. Or the Nirodh ads. For a long time, I didn’t know itself ki what Nirodh was. Because by the time the guy in the ad said ‘condom’, the parents would have changed the channel. I thought it was ‘Nirodh tonic’ or something.

For people like us, this self-censoring is so much in the DNA ki nowadays even when there is no one around and there is a saucy scene on TV, automatically you feel like changing the channel!

If you feel brave and bold and strong and resisting the urge to change channel means, the channel guy is putting all the censors in place. Even Titanic they are censoring yaar! That epic scene? Gone! Boss, what is the point if that scene is not shown? No, seriously! Do you realize how upset Kate Winselet will be if she comes to know of this? And best is, even subtitles they are changing! Like they are changing ‘shit’ to ‘crap’. Somebody tell me how this is even logical.

Children should not watch adult stuff means understandable. But adult stuff itself should not be there or what? That too only when we are adults now! Hell, we can even be parents soon. If I ask this means you will say ki ‘Chee, this fellow is so cheap and desperate’. But before everyone you will only go to the internet secretly and stream amateur videos.

Despite all this mega censoring, we are still not able to watch the TV in the presence of parents. Ok. Fine. We don’t want to be embarrassed in front of parents by watching movies. You switch on news channel means there only Poonam Pandey is standing there in bikini flashing her..teeth at you. On Prime Time National Television. Arey! What the hell do they want us to do man?

You throw the remote in frustration means immediately the parents are grabbing the remote and putting on some devotional channel. Oh god.

Boss how many hours in the day will they show devotional stuff on TV yaar? Devotional stuff also I can understand. Chalo, peace of mind for parents. Ok, accepted. One fellow is doing yoga 24 hours on TV! Mad or what?

Thinking about all this itself is such a traumatic experience. You still want to switch on that TV when your parents are around?

Blame it on the British

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 13:24:00 +0530

See, we were all very happy and nice people only. Basically, we were killing each other but nobody was bothered anyway. Then suddenly the British fellows landed and saw ki, arey, these barbarians are killing each other. We must stop them. We must only kill them.

So thinking like this, they happily parked their ships and came inside. Our people thought ki they were selling Fair and Lovely cream and said ‘Please come please come’. Suddenly those fellows are showing their guns! Arey! Then we put one compromise and said ‘Ok ok, don’t shoot, now take that land and put factory there.’

Then they did lot of nonsense things to India (that and all is not important now). They suddenly realised ki they can make more money out of BBC documentaries about India than actually staying here. So these fellows left and immediately told the BBC only one word. BBC used this word and made unimaginable incomes for Her Majesty. That word was ‘Malaria’.

Arey British fellows, when you leave you can leave simply no? You idiots left behind some stupid practices that are torturing us day in and day out.

Then what man? For centuries we are comfortably looking at the Sun and doing our jobs. Suddenly you came here and told ki, ‘From today, 1 day = 24 hours = 1440 minutes = 86400 seconds. Ok?’

We didn’t want to be rude and as always, we shook our head and said ‘Oh that aa, that we already know’ and then went away. And then forgot about it. How can we remember such stupid division of time? Why else you think the whole world is complaining ki ‘Indians are never on time, Indians are never on time’.

Boss, for centuries, we are living a normal life and we are respecting the power and awe and beauty of Time. Suddenly you want to take all of Time and compress it inside your watch means how it will work? For us it always between two events in time. Between sunrise and noon. Between noon and sunset.

In your country people are unemployed means you are sitting and putting 60 lines inside the dial. And then to make use of it, you will come and say ‘Let us meet at exactly 5.43 this evening’ means we should obey is it? Not possible. We have thousand and one tasks on hand. We can’t change our biological clock for you and all.

One small island sitting in some nonsense part of the world and commanding everybody else ki, ‘We are the standard timekeepers called GMT. Your time will be plus or minus our time. Ok?’. That and all we can’t listen. We cannot run to your tick-tocks. We have our own concept of time. And we will do things slowly only.

If I am not able to do anything, my children will fulfil it for me. That’s all! Anyhow half the children in this country are saying they are fulfilling their parents’ wishes. Arey what is the hurry, boss? Why you want to finish everything in this birth itself?

If we are not able to complete anything this birth means, we will do it the next birth! That’s all! Anyway so many births are there.

What you are going to achieve running against the time? However early you leave the stupid traffic is the same only. That again you British fellows’ fault only.

We were happily moving about in the roads. Suddenly you are putting the lanes and traffic lights and asking us to obey means who will obey? That is why, even if there is red signal we are still happily roaming around in the road as if nothing happened. And then you will say ‘Indians have no road sense at all!’

Boss, you don’t tell us ok? We had roads before you itself. But we had bullock carts and those animals are color blind. You put coloured traffic lights in front of them means how they will obey the lights yaar? So we were like, ‘Screw it. Let the lights be there for formality. Come let us go. Hai drrrr….’

And we are doing totally fine! For that also your BBC fellows will say ‘There is a method to the madness in this country’. Some nonsense you are talking. Anyway.

The bottom line is you came here and screwed us all. See what you did to our education? Some nonsense concept you introduced and all the beautiful artistic people like jeweller, carpenter, singer, dancer, weaver, farmer all want their children to study engineering. Arey!

Like this only you screwed our economy, resources and destroyed and looted everything that came in your way and went off. See where we are right now? All because of you British fellows only.

But what our forefather fellows were doing all this while only I never understood?

You should get married soon. Or else..

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 13:49:00 +0530

My best friend Guru was going to break the glass and jump out of the Cafe Coffee Day building. I almost let him do it.

Why because I will also do the same. You also want to do the same thing I know.

Then what man? Whenever and wherever you go, people are asking only one thing. When you are getting married, when you are getting married. Arey! Getting married is the sole purpose of having born in this planet, is it? And if we tell the age means, the reaction is even stupid. ‘Oh you are so old and you are not married yet? Why? Any problem you have?’ like that you are asking. You are reacting as if he is having some terminal illness like cancer or AIDS. Any problem YOU have? I want to ask.

Especially the parents people. They are giving so many warning sounds like ‘Every day you waste, your chance of getting married becomes less and less. You have to do certain things in certain age’. Arey, what is this?

You are talking as if we are some bananas that should be eaten at the right time! If we delay means our skin will turn black and peel off or something, like that you are speaking and scaring?

Especially the poor fellows working in other countries. If one fellow is coming from the abroad on holiday to India means there are only two reasons. First reason is ‘Property Registration’ in the suburban area and the second is a guided tour of visiting potential life partner.

My god, within 5 days you want to see 10 people and choose one and immediately seal the deal! Boss, even credit card takes 21 working days to reach home. You want to fix marriage in 5 days?

You know what is the best joke? If you reject the first one means, the parents will put one scene no, uff. Too much. Like as if you have committed one blasphemy they will react. ‘If you do like this means you will never get married. You must not have such high expectations. You have to be realistic.’ and what and all advice they give! They want to finish off their responsibilities, like that they are saying.

I agree yaar, ki, they have worked all their life and now they want to relax and live with no tension and all. We also want to see our parents enjoy retired life. But for that why they want to put so much blackmail only I don’t understand.

You are putting so much drama and telling, ‘Father is getting old and his health problems are also there. What if “something happens to him” without seeing your marriage?’. Like this and all you will say means what to do?

This is like saying ‘If you don’t kill yourself now, I will die. Now you choose what you want to do’.

The kids are not saying they will not marry, no? They are only saying ki, they will marry when they are ready to spend the rest of their lives with one person. What is wrong in asking for more time? And then you are asking, how much time you want? 1 month? 2 months? Arey!

Best is the married friends. These fellows will not keep quiet, ok? See, already he is having so much complications because he got married. He has to put his child to school next year, already paying the home loan, personal loan, credit card bill and car loan and in short, leading a shitty life.

On top of that he will come to the house and say ki ‘When you are going to put wedding food man? Aunty, why your son is not getting married? If you delay like this means that’s all’, like that he will light fire and go away. Bloody fellow. Why he is coming to the house only I never understand.

Best comedy is, if you keep delaying, parents will keep relaxing their conditions. First they will put condition ki only arranged marriage you should do. Then after some years they will agree ki they will allow love marriage but only within the same community. And then after few more years, total relaxation, ‘Boss, you bring some person, we will get you married. Just bring someone, ok?’

Arey! When we are having high school and college crush you will shout at us and totally prevent from making even one landline call to that girl’s house. Now you are saying bring anyone, but just get married.

Every person will automatically know when they are ready for marriage. If someone is getting old and not getting married means society will think bad it seems. Who is that society? Bring that fellow here. We will talk to him. Or her. Whether they have any logic behind age and marriage I want to understand. Who decides who is young and who is old?

Boss, we are all human beings yaar. We are having something that no other living thing has. We are having something called soul. This body only will become old. How young the soul inside is, that only matters.

This New Year, watch cartoons.

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 14:02:00 +0530

(Inspiration - Mary Schmidt/Baz Luhrmann and Sidin Vadukut)

Ladies and gentlemen of the world of 2012, watch cartoons.

If I could offer you only one tip for this year means, cartoons would be it. The long term benefits and scientists’ proof and all you don’t worry about, just watch means watch. Whereas as the rest of my message for you this New Year has no basis more reliable than my own non-existent experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your two-wheeler; oh never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your two wheeler until you buy a car and get stuck in traffic. When you buy a car in five years, then only you will understand ki how comfortable your bike was and how many cops you cheated and how much petrol you saved back then…Two wheelers are not as bad as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the March 31 year end targets or worry, knowing ki all year end targets culminate on April Fools’ Day. The real troubles in your life will be from the fact that you are wearing one stinking pair of socks for at least 9 hours every day or the fact that you are not taking bath on a lazy Sunday.

Do a sales job at least once in your career.

Jump.

Don’t leave nasty comments in other people’s walls and blogs. Don’t publish dirty comments that other people leave on your blogs.

Swim.

Don’t expect people to like every thing you say on social websites. Sometimes you are liked many times, sometimes nobody will even read your status update…the race is long and in the end, the status update is only a way of talking to yourself.

Remember to wish people on their birthdays outside Facebook, ignore the people who don’t wish you on yours. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your Reynolds pen cap safe, throw away your torn socks.

Tweet.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know how to use macros in Microsoft Excel…the most well-paid analysts I know hardly excel in anything else. Some of the most well-paid guys I know cannot even rename a sheet in Excel.

Get plenty of hard disk space for your computer.

Be kind to your computer. You will miss it when it crashes and lose all your pictures when you have to format your hard-disk.

Maybe you eat non-veg food, maybe you don’t, maybe you eat only egg, may be you don’t, maybe you’ll be a vegetarian and still eat chicken, maybe you eat chicken only when consuming alcohol..whatever you do, don’t laugh at the person doing the thing opposite of what you do - you are lying to your parents, so is everybody else.

Enjoy travelling by train. Use it every time you can. Don’t travel in AC coaches just because the company is paying for it. Travel in sleeper class with windows open. It’s the greatest way to have fun.

Kiss. Even if you are single, find someone or something to kiss. But don’t do it in public places.

Look at the traffic signal, even if you don’t obey it.

DO NOT watch news channels. They will only make you angry.

Get to know your current mobile phone. You never know when it will be gone for good.

Be nice to your colleagues. They only will cover up for you if you are lying to your boss and taking fake sick-leave.

Understand that neighbours come and go, but there are a precious few you must always annoy. Work hard to find out that neighbour girl’s phone number, because the more you delay, the more the possibility of her boyfriend dropping her off outside your apartment right before your eyes.

Live in south India once, but leave before you forget how to drive a car. Live in north India once, but leave before you forget how to drive.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths. iPhone 4S will become old in a few months. You must never change your iPhone ringtone from its default Marimba tune. Metro rail system will never reduce traffic on the roads. You will never find a young Air India air hostess. An on-site job is NOT the end of the world. Respect the people who have never seen the First World.

Respect the south Indians for their filter coffee.

Don’t expect the TV to show good programs all the time. Put it on mute when advertisements are on.

Don’t put cat pictures on your profile.

Be careful whose blog you read, but, appreciate those who blog. Blogging is a form of yoga, where you do abnormal things just to keep you normal.

But trust me on the cartoons.

This is not a problem at all

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:26:00 +0530

Boss, what 100 days 100 days? I don’t understand. We have seen so many centuries ok? We celebrate every time 100 is reached. So this time also we will celebrate. Agreed boss, Manipur has faced ONE HUNDRED days of economic blockade. So what?

After all it is in some stupid corner of the country that sends only 2 MPs to Parliament. For that what you expect? That the entire government will run to help is it? Silly fellow. How many MPs in the Parliament, that much only value they get.

See, these Nagas and Kukis are having some old family problems. The Kuki people are asking ki boss, we are majority in Sadar Hills in Manipur, so you create one separate district for us. Otherwise we will put economic blockade in the state. Like that they said and blocked the National Highway. Then the state government agreed and suddenly the Naga fellows said ki, boss if you put separate district means, we will block the highway!

Arey! You have a fight means, you go and kill each other somewhere else yaar, why you are blocking our economy? Like that the rest of the Manipuris are asking.

See these Manipuri fellows are also crazy fellows ok. For so many years they are asking only. If nobody is listening to them anyway, why they keep on asking I don’t understand. That lady Irom Sharmila, like one silly woman, she is fasting for so many years to remove the AFSPA. Anything happened? No na? Then why they keep asking?

The Manipuri women tried walking without dress also because Army people are raping them. You remember? All the press people took the photographs and then they printed it all over the place and all. And then nothing happened.

Then why these Manipuris are expecting something to happen this time also? Boss, the Central government is too busy ok? Just now the scandal drama and all stopped and Anna Hazare is silent and Prime Minister has gone underground for a few days. Again you want to call him and solve this means how he will do?

Arey, ok, petrol is costing Rs. 200 per litre in Manipur. Fine. Agreed. But what to do? The government is busy talking to Mamata Banerjee na! She is blackmailing the government because petrol price was increased by ONE rupee yesterday. Now you itself tell, which is more important? Then how can government focus on Manipur yaar? It also has other things to do no? Like staying in government etc etc.

This is not new for any government no? Some fellow will keep asking for separate state or separate district. They will put bandh and all. You remember the Gurjar caste people who wanted Scheduled Tribe status? Government is too experienced in tackling such issues. You should leave it to them and not write silly blog posts.

Anyway why they are agitating no one is bothered. Arey, they want better jobs, not poverty, better standards of living etc. Our country famous policy is if you put violence means they will listen. So only instead of asking for these things directly, they are putting all the blockade and bandh and doing all the other nonsense things. But government is thinking ki we will happily pass one bill and then go and tell ki, ‘We have met the demands of the people, please vote please vote’.

See, these things will keep happening. We only should look the other way and pretend nothing is happening. Better these Northeast people get out of their state and go to other states. We also need some entertainment no? We can pass nice comments at them.

Anyway, tomorrow we will be meeting these Manipuri people and calling them Nepalis. Or Chinkis. Why we should care?

We deserve better. Please.

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:56:28 +0530

Everybody is affected by these fellows. Wherever you go these guys are there. Arey, if they are at least good you can look at them, but you can easily count the number of good ones using one finger itself. These bad advertisements when I see them no, I simply want to kill the guy who created it.

Boss either you be like Doordarshan ads. Say something and go away. At least don’t put scene. Or you create better advertisements. Don’t try to come and tell bull shit to us ok? We can easily find out.

What you are saying? If the man puts the deodorant and goes means all the girls will drop their clothes and run behind him is it? What nonsense concept is this yaar? Have you seen this happen anywhere in this world? Then how you expect it to happen in a conservative and traditional and deeply cultured country like India, I don’t understand. Ridiculous fellow.

How much story you are telling? Some girls will come out of the sea, some girls will fall from the sky and some girls even come and bite the men is it? Best is, you are telling ki if I put the deodorant means even neighbour girl will take off her dress in the smell. Bloody, if I put that deodorant means, even I myself cannot smell it after 10 seconds, where will neighbour girl smell it?

Also, there is no neighbour girl concept in this world. That you know? Has there ever been a single eligible neighbour girl living next door to a single eligible neighbour guy? Whose ears you are trying to keep flowers?

But still, men are trying only. Just in case. Who wants to miss the opportunity yaar?

Hello ladies, you too. Don’t just laugh at men for this. How many times you are believing the ad and putting the Clearasil and Fair and Lovely and all the other one million items on your skin and hair? Has anything changed even one bit? No!

Forget the deodorants, even the car fellows are worst. Boss you car guys have lot of money yaar! Why can’t you make some nice ads? You have brought in so much money from Korea but still you can’t create one good ad is it? All your ads are absolute nonsense crap. We are only seeing Shahrukh Khan open his arms and smile as if KKR is winning the IPL. But what you are trying to tell nobody understands.

You want one strategy to increase your sales using advertisement? I will give one advice. Don’t give any advertisement. Seeing your ad, even people who want to buy your car will run away.

You remember that chocolate ad in the 90s? One fellow will hit six and his girl friend will dodge the policeman and dance in the ground like a small girl? Ad means it should be like that. It shows one happy moment which is a simple pleasure of life. Simple and nice ad.

Instead why you want to confuse everybody including yourself? You keep on asking ‘Have I made it large?’ ‘Have I made it large?’! If you itself don’t know means how others will know? Boss first of all you tell what product you are selling? How such stupid ads are getting approval itself I don’t understand!

I can only think of one explanation only for all of this: The ad guy must be some fellow from B-School with initials in its name. Ditto for the client guy. Both these fellows are smoking up some banned substance. One fellow says some nonsense concept for ad. The other fellow thinks it is brilliant. That’s all.

What you think of us? That we will watch whatever you put is it?

But we are watching only. What to do? That only is the problem.

Eat junk food

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 23:44:00 +0530

Boss, how long you are going to live? In such a short time, why you want to restrict yourself and not eat any of the awesome junk food? First of all you tell me who is that idiot who named it junk food? You know what junk means right? So you are saying that everything they put in that dish has been collected from the dustbin or what?

Arey the ‘junk food’ consists of the same items you put in normal food. Then why this hatred? You know how awesome junk food is? I will tell you.

Imagine you are forgetting to take your Tupperware lunch one day. What you will do? You will be going to eat at the cafeteria right?

See, it is universal fact that all the cafeteria ‘chefs’ were construction workers in their earlier jobs. Arey they put sand, cement, stones and water in that concrete mixer na, like that the idiot chef will simply mix some two vegetables and make one dish that even a baby that is going to be born will puke. This guy will be giving regular ‘homely’ food.

Next counter guy will be preparing the awesome junk food. He will be cutting the onions right in front your eyes with his clean hands and sprinkling them over the pav-bhaji and serving you hot. Now you tell me, which will give you more satisfaction?

That also you leave, imagine what will happen to all the ladies if they don’t eat pani puri? My god! Even if they are going to get married in 10 minutes, they will park their Scooty in the side of the road and order one plate pani puri.

When they open their mouth wiiiiide and push that big puri with stuffed masala inside, they will forget the entire world around them, including that little fellow who is doing one-bathroom nearby. When they are biting that pani puri and the taste of the salty water mixes with the potato and hits their brain, at that moment, even if you ask them to marry you, they will say yes.

Best is when eating the samosa. The dance the people will do when they are suddenly biting that hot samosa no, hahaha, soo funny it will be. They don’t want to spit the hot potato masala, but at the same time they can’t bear the heat also. Too good it will be to see.

Or when they are biting that chilli bajji at the beach, they will also ask for chilly chutney as side dish. Their bravery should be saluted only. On top of all this, some idiots are saying ki Indians are meek people. Silly fellows.

Now one thing you itself tell. Why you think there are so many north Indian fellows at sandwich shops? Already they are undergoing some punishment at home in the form of tasteless food. That’s why they are coming and telling the guy ki ‘Boss, one chilli cheese, double spice, ok? Put extra chilli chutney’. Poor fellows.

Boss, eat junk food and be happy. Imagine what will happen if you are not eating junk food? All the fast food guys will close their shops (demand-supply economics problem). Then suddenly there will be price rise. One plate samosa will suddenly cost one hundred ‘bucks’ and in addition to your monthly 3G plan you have to add one samosa plan also. And you have to eat ‘Ghee rice (dal extra) Frankies’ or ‘Curd rice tikka’.

If there is no junk food, people will not be so happy. If they are not happy, their productivity will go down. Then economy will go into recession. Again. Then people will not want to have babies. Then our population will come down. If there is no population, who will protect our rich cultural heritage and all?

You need all this or what? Better nip it in the bud itself.

Everybody is busy ok?

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 22:11:00 +0530

Excuse me busy fellow, but why you want to put so much scene? Whenever your friends suggest to do something fun, then only you will have all sorts of work in this world. ‘Oh no, there is so much to do. I have to read, send a report, email this, print that, go to hell and come back by tomorrow morning..’ . Some nonsense reason you will give.

One time two times is ok, always some stupid reason you give? You say you are busy with this, busy with that, but somehow you will find all the time in the world to update status messages, including your bloody latitude and longitude, in all the social networking websites. And still you act as if the whole earth is rotating on your head.

In school days only you put all the scene in the world in front the girls. (The girls bloody didn’t even look at you, that is a different story.) You were sitting under the tree with a book, even in PT period when other boys were playing hand cricket. God knows what you were studying, because you were anyway getting the same 70% marks in all the subjects.

Even today you repeat the same thing. Anyone calls you means you will not attend the call. And then after 2 days like one lord, you will call back and say ‘Sorry man, I was in a meeting that day.’ They will also reply as if nothing has happened ‘Hehe, no problem re, just called you just like that.’

See if you don’t want to anyone to disturb you in chat means, don’t login itself na! Or login under ‘Invisible mode’. Why you want to put “DO NOT DISTURB” as the status man? This is heights of scene. You want to show off in front of everybody that you are the only one doing work and other fellows with green dot are all jobless fools is it? Nonsense.

And worst is the other guys who always have the red dot. You are always busy is it? Who you are trying to fool? First of all, you should not login to chat itself in office, that you know? On top of that you will exhibit all sorts of stupid behaviour.

Oh and in the office the kind of scene you put. Uff man. If you stare seriously into the monitor means, nobody will know is it? Boss, everybody in this world knows you are playing Freecell. That is the only game in the world that will make you look like you are performing some complex integral calculus problems.

Either you do that or you do the other extreme. See, you are in a desk job. Why you always get up and move here and there with sleeves rolled up and pencil behind the ears? People will look at you and go, ‘Man, he is so busy. Such a hard worker’. No? Whenever somebody wants to talk to you, you act as if you are the CEO and immediately tell, ‘Oh, I have a meeting in 5 minutes. Can you please send me a calendar invite for next Wednesday? I am fully booked till then.’

I have one doubt. If you are always in meeting means when you will do your work?

Besides, what meeting meeting? Two people go into the conference room and talk means it is a meeting is it? Two people talking means it is a conversation. Three people only is a meeting. I know what you will discuss in the conference room. ‘Arey, this room is so much better. The AC outside is so bad. Let us stay here for a while.’ All the others outside will think ki you are discussing some mind blowing strategy that will change the history of the company.

Why you want to act like the CEO of the company? Even the CEO is roaming around casually, as if he is jobless. He is looking at you and wondering what so much work you have, he himself cannot understand.

Next time I see you show off, I will ask you questions such that you will want to pluck your tongue and die off. Or even better, I myself will pluck your tongue.

What is there in history?

Mon, 29 Aug 2011 23:21:00 +0530

Maths. Physics. Chemistry. Biology. Computer Science, especially BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN and all the other nonsense you studied. Are you using any of these subjects in your real life? No na? You tell me one time, just one time where you have used trigonometry after the board exam?

Arey, in the school only the teacher was killing us. Now you also started. If you are not using any other subject from school in real life means, why history alone you are clinging on to it like a baby monkey?

Agreed boss, history is important for us to remember and all. But why so much importance you are giving to previous centuries I don’t understand.

Best is the political fellows. Suddenly they will remember some chapter in history and they will say ki “Arey! This is not the ‘original’ name of the place! First let me change it back to its historic name.” Mental or what?

Along with history only they taught us Civics. Come on tell me the Preamble of the Constitution? What? Constitution has a Preamble? Like that you will ask.

Historically, we are monkeys. Then walking around naked. Then doing unmentionable things in the public places. Then only farming business. You want to go back and do any of these things? No na? Then?

What you think? All our forefathers were concerned by the history or what? They didn’t think like that and all. If they thought like that means why they invented clothes? We can still wear leaves na? That only is our “historic” dress right? (I know what you are thinking. No no, without any dress, it will uncomfortable in front the opposite gender people.)

Boss, they didn’t think about the future only. If they thought about future means why they put dirty sculptures in the temples? Didn’t they know that in the future kids will come and look at them and ask nonsense questions to their mothers? If they thought about future means why they put that hole in the ozone? If they didn’t think about future, why we should think about their history I ask?

“Ashoka planted trees all along the road”…still you are reading this and getting fooled? History means starts with Ashoka The GREAT (?!) and ends in 1947 is it? Who will read 1947 to 2011? Bloody.

Boss, read history, nothing wrong. But use it to study IAS (Mains) exam. Get good marks and get settled in life. And let others live peacefully.

Why you want to take that history book and tie yourself around with it only I am not getting. If you keep doing only what is there in the history books, how you will enter the history books? Bloody you are interested in everybody else creating history, but you don’t want to create anything is it? Sachin creates history, scientists create history, Anna Hazare creates history…all nonsense gossip stories you will sit and talk. But you will not go out and do one thing that is different from others.

Instead, you are coming and preaching about “good old days” nonsense to all of us here and ask us lay eggs reading history. You are living in the present means live according to present times. That’s all.

“Historically we are this, historically we are that” what kind of nonsense is this? Historically we are all amoeba, you know that? So you will crawl on the roads like amoeba is it?

See even the United Nations itself given warning to all of us. They went and told Bolivia ki, boss, historically you may have chewed the cocain-leaves as tradition, but now we are telling you ki it is illegal. Don’t ask why illegal and all. If you want means stay, else go out. To hell with your tradition.

UN itself telling. Better you pay attention. Otherwise you will become history.