The Local Tea Party

The pen is mightier than the sword and all ok, but don't try to fight with a pen. Otherwise there will be ink all over you.

Boss something is wrong with this world. I am sitting here trying to change the world but so many distractions are happening and I am not able to change even a ten rupee note into coins. Some problems yaar. I don’t know how to explain only. Because I myself don’t know what the problem is!

See I am following all the rules in the traffic. OK not all. This red signal-orange signal is a big confusion all the time. So sometimes I pleasure the rebel in myself by breaking the traffic signals. I mean, not like climbing up the pole and throwing down the traffic light and breaking it types. But, generally breaking the rules.

But seriously, when I am breaking the rules, nobody is around ok? So net damage is zero. But when I am following the rules and someone else breaks the rules no, I bloody want to break his face only. It is because of stupid people like this that the country is still ‘developing’ (whatever that means).

Arey the other day, this fellow made a joke about me and told me itself! How dare he? I was about to slap him only. He asked me whether it was a bad joke! Arey! How can he make fun of me? Boss I will tell jokes about everyone and make people laugh (making people laugh is such a noble thing), I will make fun of all actors and politicians and other people’s physical appearances and might even get paid for it, but if someone makes fun of me means, that’s all. I will whoop their ass in public, baby. Sorry boss, I can only tell jokes but I can’t take jokes.

So I wrote this giant article about a movie by one actor who is a megalomaniac and uses all possible ways to promote his work, ok? That fellow usually shamelessly plugs his works and goes about selling his art, something that he has invested in for decades. So I wrote a nice article against his silly methods. Boss it was such a beautiful article I wrote, I wanted everyone to read and appreciate my criticism. I asked people to share it and retweet it and like it and comment on it. Then one stupid fellow is putting a comment and criticising ki he didn’t like my critique. What the hell yaar? How can he say such a thing?

I want to look around and beat up people like that.

I especially want to beat up people who look at other human beings as pieces of meat. I want to break their jaws if they make dirty comments in public. How dare they look at other people as if they were objects?! Boss I will secretly admire film stars and models and fantasise about them but you cannot do it. Please. Not in my presence. Privately you do whatever you want to do or behave however you want to behave and regard other human beings as you want to, but in public, behave as if you are basically a nice person. Because who I really am not is not important for you. What others think of me is only important. So I will behave like a nice person and not really offend anyone openly.

But you know how I will slyly offend people. For that also I have a technique.

I will insult them by giving ‘offensive tags’ to natural processes. I will call older people as ‘uncle-based’ and ‘aunty-types’. Because being called old is bad and being called young is good, you see. I will call fat people fat. Because being called fat is bad but being called slim is good.

Ugly is bad. Beautiful is good. [Ok, this one I didn’t understand properly. Because if someone is not naturally beautiful but appears beautiful because of using make up, then what is there to be proud of? That beauty is anyway artificial. If someone is naturally beautiful from birth, then also what is there to be proud of? That person had nothing to do with their beauty. They were just born that way. Full confusion yaar!]

Anyway, that is the basic problem. I am telling them to do one thing and everybody is doing exactly the opposite. So many serious problems are there in the world and we are talking about such silly issues.

Ok come let’s discuss about changing the world.

1 year ago
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