The Local Tea Party

What sort of a neighbour are you? You only. On one hand you are talking freedom of expression, right to do this and that, but on the other hand you are not allowing the kids to play cricket with other kids in the apartment means what is this logic? Where the kids will go? In their playing area, you have put up parking lots with numbers. Then? The kids have to break glasses only. No choice.

See boss, your father had some issues with your neighbour means, you will shout at the kids also is it? What wrong they did yaar? Let them play as they want.

Arey, the world is overtaking us and running like a mad dog in Indian summer. Still you are saying ki people from such and such area are bad, that locality kids are all evil fellows, is it? Still you are asking your kids “What play is needed with those kids?”. Arey! Wake up man. Let them talk to those kids, play with them. Then only they will understand ki what the real world is made of. Besides, you yourself know, there only beautiful girls are there. Here…

Boss, your house, you have to be proud, agreed. For that you don’t have to go around all the houses and shout, “My house only awesome, my house only best” etc, ok? Keep that feeling to yourself inside your house. Outside, give respect take respect.

By the way, what you are best? You anyway are not cleaning your house itself. You are outsourcing it to housemaid. If at all you clean, only the hall is clean. Once you go inside the bedroom means you will know. How much clothes you are stuffing in that cupboard and locking it nicely. Open it once and all the clothes will fall off like waterfall. Once in a while you will put naphthalene balls in between the clothes means, that’s all is it? When will the actual cleaning happen boss?!

And anyway, still you are stealing food from the fridge in your own house in the nights only! And best is you have some standard people to put the blame on. If something goes wrong or something is missing means immediately you are blaming the housemaid only. “I think it is the maid. She only will do such things..”, like that you are saying.

Some good thing happening in your neighbour’s house means take part in it. Don’t simply close the door and watch TV. You will only miss the wonderful food they are cooking. If they are in trouble means try to help. Instead, you also don’t shout at them like one lord, ok? Now only the apartment secretary will come and say ki “Boss, your behaviour is unacceptable. You are bringing and talking to people we don’t like. We are going to impose sanctions on you. You have not paid maintenance fees also, we will cut off the water supply”. Don’t join chorus music with him. Use your brains from time to time and do what is right.

How many years you are going to live? In those years, why you want to behave like this? Boss, money will come today, go tomorrow. This house that you live in no, you think it will still be like this 500 years from now?

How old is your house? Before you built this house you know what it was? And 500 years before that? It would have been some beautiful farmland. Or some dry forest that no one would have even wanted to stop on the way and do one bathroom, who knows?

Suddenly real estate became valuable now means don’t think it will be like this forever. You think this boundary wall will be the same 500 years from now? If you still say yes means, better you consult a doctor.

So go out and be a good tenant. Ask your grandparents. They have lived in bigger house. It just was not called India at that time.

Now multiply this by one billion.

Happy Independence Day.

All you publicly married and secretly register-marriaged people, leave the single guys alone man. Arey one single guy how many people will make fun yaar?

Have you ever been single in your life? Life is hell only. Especially when that single guy is having married friends or friends in relationships, that’s all. His life is finished. The things that person has to go through, oh god! He is single because he wants to enjoy life for a few more days ok? But now only the entire world will take revenge on him. And I am not talking about single people with girl friend or boy friend. (That is another torture story.)

I am talking about normal single people who like to live life with themselves and not with their cell-phones. Occasional flirting is allowed ok? But the torture story is a national conspiracy only.

It all starts with Indian Railways man. None of you guys are allowing that poor single fellow to sleep in the lower berth. Not even one time!

“Excuse me, ladies is there, can you please move to the upper berth? Thank you”, “Excuse me, you are alone? My father is heart patient, can you please sleep in his upper berth?” you are showing all your teeth and asking. And you know what is the best thing? If that fellow says no means, because it is his berth and he has every right to say no, all you other morons are immediately jumping and talking as if one crime has been committed.

Arey! What nonsense man! Bloody railways, in the history of billion train journeys in India, not even one single time you are putting a single guy and a single girl in the same compartment! Never. How much ever you go through that passenger list outside the train, no chance. No way. All above 40 years only. I don’t know how Railways is doing it man. I think there is some special software for that.

People go to movies to watch and enjoy quietly ok? Some single people like it like that. There only you will come with your whole extended family and sit in the same row. And bloody you will keep moving in and out to buy popcorn and puff and don’t let the single person watch in peace. Movie interval means compulsorily you have to eat is it? In between important scene only your wife will sssshhhh your baby. Boss, when you’re coming to movies leave the brat babies at home yaar! See baby only is cute. Baby poop is not cute even to you ok?

Best is what you know? You folks will call your single friends for shopping. Uff, there is nothing like that hell man. You will see one shirt, immediately you will call your spouse (or someone like that) and describe it over phone. And then that person will ask the price. You will tell. Then they will say it is too costly. Then you will start bargaining with them and try to convince them. Boss, then why the hell did you bring the single guy to shopping with you yaar?

Ever tried going to a restaurant alone and eat? That idiot manager will not even care to look at you if you are alone. All the other customers will come like one army and the manager will run behind them only. Table after table will become empty but people who are coming after you will get seats and you will be standing like a waiter.

Even if you go with married friends, the scene they put, oh. They will drink the same tomato soup (one by two), share their dishes, feed each other, drink the same milk-shake. That idiot will also sip your drink and generously offer to his partner “Mmm. It’s nice. Try it.” As if it’s his drink! Boss! That I should give.

In the pubs and bars, I don’t even have to say it. Single? Then you have to pay so much cover charges that everyone in the country can drink for free in your money. Over drinks, single people want to check out other attractive people in the room ok? That time only you will come and discuss problems about your in-laws and all. Why don’t you understand ki nobody, NOBODY wants to hear about your fights with your in-laws yaar? Not while at the bar.

I think you are taking revenge on the single people because they are the only happy people and you are jealous of that. Mentals.

“See, we are all middle class people. Education only is your property. We do not have much money and all. Study properly and get into a good job. Father and I both wanted good education. We only didn’t get, at least we want you to study well and shine.”

If mother is doing blackmail like this means, what else I can do? See I know ki I also have dreams. Yes boss, I want to play cricket for India, it is a big dream for me. But think practically. Life is not a game ok? I have to have good “education” first.

So I took science group. Arey how can I go and tell ki, “No no, I want to take commerce group”? I am not from Delhi man! Then mother is pointing to that stupid good-for-nothing secretly-adult-movie-watching cousin and saying, “He is also in the same class, no? Then how come he always scores more than you?”

That he himself does not know. I am also studying so hard to score “centum” in board exam. One two-mark question I made a mistake that too it was not from the textbook. What I can do for that?

See boss, I told you before, I want to play cricket for India. I also want to play guitar like mad. I want to write books. I want to take photography. Arey I thought ki, I can do all this once I join engineering college. I can be professionally qualified and side-by-side I can do what I always wanted to do. I thought ki, once I start playing well in the college team, slowly I can make it to the national team. Once I join the college, I will have all the time in the world to play.

Best is the engineering college. They didn’t have any cricket team itself! How the hell was I supposed to know that? They only told ki they have 100-acre campus with excellent facilities and 100% placement record and all. Now they are asking us to do Paper Presentation all the time! For 3 years I didn’t understand itself what that means. Industrial visits, unit tests, pre-model, model exams are there and life is very busy in engineering college.

Everybody is running like a mad dog. We are all middle-class people only. My parents have taken so much loan for the studies. “In front of relatives, you have to come up in life and show them”, mother is always saying. So I decided ki life is definitely not a game. Passion and all ok, but I also have to run. Once I finish professional course, I can do what I want, nobody can question me then na?

Boss, in today’s world anybody can become engineer ok? How can I stop with only one degree yaar? See let me be very honest. I am very patriotic. I don’t want to go to US and all. So I am doing MBA here itself. What is there? Everybody is saying ki MBA with science background is a very very rare combination. If I have such strong degrees as backup, I can boldly try out new things. I can even start playing guitar after finishing B-School. I will be able to apply my management skills and even find an good investor for my albums no?

What you are saying? Campus recruitment is going on. Everybody is attending it! How can I not attend these interviews man? Starting salary itself is in six-digits! This is a golden opportunity for people like us in the middle-class to come out of the rat-race! Once I earn for two years, I would have closed all my loans and I can write or sing or dance or do whatever I like. It is my life and who will stop me then?

Boss, what I told before and all forget. Now home loan is also there (it provides solid tax benefits man!), if I say I want to quit job means my mother will go mad, especially when I am about to get married. This is the time to earn ok? If I think of enjoying now and doing what I like means later on I only have to suffer in life. What to do? We are all middle class people. We have to be happy with what we have.

See I only am not able to do what I want. But all that I missed I will definitely make my child do it. It is a promise.

honker (hôngk-er, hngk-er) n. (1) a person born without brains (2) a complete idiot (3) aliens’ revenge on mankind.

Are you deaf? No seriously. Before you get on the vehicle, you leave your brains outside is it? What is the reason for your honking? You think that once you honk, all the vehicles in front of you will vanish is it?

I don’t know from where you are getting that anger once you get on your vehicle. What you think of yourself in your mind? That you are Moses or what? Everybody should part and give you way is it? Bloody you are not giving way to ambulance itself. Who will give you way?

While starting, honking. While going, honking. While stopping also honking! What the hell, man?

While starting you are checking if horn is working. That is fine. That is the only sensible thing you are doing. After that you completely become mental. Otherwise why the hell do you keep on pressing the horn man?

You think you are a hero if you keep pressing the horn or what? What, you want to put scene in front your girl friend is it?

City speed limit is there. Overtaking limit is there. Lane limit is there. That and all you don’t care. If there is empty space in the road and you are not able to go there means honk. That’s all no? Idiot.

While going forward you are making trouble. While going backwards also you are making trouble! The reversing tune you are using. Uffo. Too much! How many years will you still use “Made in India Made in India” as a reversing tune man? What made in India? Nothing is made in India. Or otherwise you have that Airtel song. Absolutely irritating stuff.

But you know who is the worst kind of honker in this world? That idiot who honks every 2 seconds. Beep. He just cannot live without honking. Beep. This is how his conversation with his wife will be

“Listen no. Beep. What? Beep. Remember that uncle who lived next door? Beep. Yes. Beep. His sister died. Beep. When? Beep. Last night in her sleep. Beep. Nice lady. Beep. RIP. Beep.”

You have no respect for dead people also? You look into the mirror. Beep. Why? You want to honk at the vehicle coming behind you?

Oh and you are not stopping with that. The scene you put when you are nearing a signal. Oh god. Too much overacting. Just now you saw the signal turn from green to orange. What you think? If you just keep honking continuously means, automatically red signal wont fall is it? Nonsense fellow.

And when the signal turns green once again, next second you are back to honking. Wait boss, the vehicles in the front have to go no? The first vehicle is some hundred metres away. If you look at the first vehicle and honk means, he will know is it? He can’t even hear you man.

When you honk like that that, you know how I feel? I want to stop my bike. Then, in sloow motion, I want to turn around, walk over to your car or bike or whatever the piece of shit you are driving. Then, I want to pull you out by your collar while Hans Zimmer plays a background score, adjust your face position so that you look straight into my eyes.

And then I want to punch your nose. In slow motion. Actually, in ultra motion.

Dear English Pundit,

As I am suffering from ‘horrible English’, I kindly request you to go to hell. You are really senseless or you are just acting like this? Don’t you know that English language is constantly changing and that, what you are speaking now will be a joke 50 years from now? Then why the hell are you keep on asking to speak proper English proper English? Whether English is your father’s language? Even if it is, it is not MY father’s language.

First of all define proper English. I can also speak Shakespeare English ok? Come on tell me, “What trade art thou?”. Answer me. You are laughing right? So, what they used 500 years back, you are laughing at it now, then you are saying “His English is horrible man!”. And when exactly did your ‘proper English’ originate? 18th century? 19th century? You have a calendar, I also have one. Not speaking ‘Traditional English’ it seems. Hello sir, “traditionally”, human beings never had a language for many millions of years. Only ‘ba bu bee’ sounds. You want to use that? No na?

Have you read English non-detail in school? If you went to school in India means you will understand what I am saying. If you went in abroad means, then go to hell urgently. First you stop using tissue paper and then I will talk to you. After so many difficulties we are learning the English. In our school they taught us ‘Zed’ and now if I say it loudly means you idiots are laughing and saying “Oh, you mean Zee!”. Mentals.

See already the MS Word is screwing everybody in India by putting the red lines below all spellings. Our school only taught this spelling. Now suddenly Bill Gates and Co are saying the spelling is all wrong. We are scratching our heads and thinking ki what we did wrong and why that red line is coming. On top of that you are also saying the English is bad.

In ‘proper’ English, gay means happy. Whether you are aware of it? I am saying “I am very gay today” and you are rolling and laughing at me, pointing fingers? Have you lost your mind?

‘My’ is also two letters. ‘Ma’ is also two letters. Then why you are saying ‘Ma dog poo-pooed in ma pillow today’? Style eh? You are accepting this but you will not accept my English. You will shout at my English and then suddenly they will add Indian words into the Oxford dictionary and then you will also start using it, right?

If I use complicated words means I have good English, is it? I also know how to make complex sentences ok? All I have to do is to right-click and choose a synonym for every word and then you will be flabbergasted at the harmonised synchronisation of my meta-physical and above-optimal usage of this language that oscillates a tad between its Anglo-Saxonic origin and the Post-Renaissance more Modernistic approach. Then you will also frame my picture and worship me for my English.

Idiot fellow, English is only a language to communicate your thoughts. It takes only 6 weeks to learn any language. Ask Rapidex or Veta. So stop putting scene and start respecting other people. There is nothing superior in speaking ‘better’ English. If I leave you in Siberian desert for one week, what will you bother about? Food or proper sentence formation? Why go to Siberia, even if I leave you in France itself, that’s all. You are finished. You will pronounce ‘R’ in one way and nobody will understand what you are saying.

At that time you will think of me. Don’t worry. I am not like you. I will come to your rescue then.

OK?

Yours Truly

Can’t you sit simply and keep your hands and legs idle? What is your objective in life? To make others jealous? Then why you are simply keep on changing your profile picture? What is the reason? Come on tell me. I want to know the answer.

Agreed boss, you have gone abroad.Your 26th relative uncle is also proud of you. We are also happy only. That is why we even came to airport to say bye and all. But why you are killing us with your pictures?

Ok, I agree ki I have seen that place only in map and you have seen in real life. That’s all no? Every alternate day you are putting one new picture. What you want? You want all of us to press the ‘like’ and say “Wooowwwwww”, is it? Secretly you are monitoring the comments every minute, but like one lord, you will reply only after 4 days saying “Thanks guys!”.

See, that is also acceptable. You have spent so much money and gone there and so you want everybody to appreciate you. Understood. But why you are putting plants and trees and CATS (?!?!) as profile pictures? You have any common sense? Crazy man!

There is one more category. You will put the picture of your baby instead of your picture. I don’t even want to talk about those people.

Best is the ladies. If you convert your picture to black and white means, you suddenly will become good looking is it? People will look at you and think “Wow. Nice!” and send you friend request and all. I only know how you look.

As it is you were doing nothing here. You got married and you went there and again doing nothing only. What is there to be proud of? Every day, evvreee day you are updating on what you are cooking. “Today I made curd rice for my darrrlinggg hubby”.

Really? And that idiot husband will ‘like’ it and publicly kiss you. “Thank you wifey, mmuuaaahh”.

You are from India only no? Don’t you know such things are indecent and doing this in public place is not allowed? If you go out of India means immediately you are forgetting everything.

And then you are putting the pictures of your food. “Yummy!” you will put as title. Who knows how it tasted? Heights is, when some other idiot in some other country asks you for the recipe. Arey goose, you are using internet. Just Google and find out.

Now you tell me, when you were in India, have you cooked like this for ONE day? Your brother is also a gentleman only. Have you cooked like this for him? Hello husband, I am asking you also. When you were here, have you said “Mmmuahh” to your mother because you liked her food?

Of all the monkey pranks that you are playing from “abroad”, worst is when both you and your spouse act like you are always happy 24 hours and 365 days. “Had the best dinner ever at King Cole’s Oriental Palace at the 35th and 16th. Awesome Thai food!”

Just some Thai food only no? Why you need so much scene for that? India is closer to Thailand only.

Boss, in case you didn’t know already, here is the truth. Nobody is happy. How much ever money you earn, you will not be happy. You will only sit on the WC tapping your fingers and think, “Why I came here?”

If I say this truth, immediately you will flash your i-Products at me. For your kind information, iPad2 is also available here, that you know? So shut up and listen to me. Stop making fool of yourself.

Now you are thinking ki I am jealous and so only I am talking like this, no? See, till I also go somewhere and do all such things, I will talk like this only. What you can do?

So I did not give them permission and all. Suddenly they are knocking my door and before I could open it, they all are coming inside complete with all their army and equipments. They build one circle around me and told me ki this was a panel discussion. I asked them where the panel is. One polite fellow with a grey beard tells, “You are the panel. We are here to talk to you.”

Then they all said their names and started off.

Rannoy Poy (in a calm, soft voice): Localparty, people have been accusing you of degrading the wonderful language called English. And we thought it is only right that we give you an opportunity to explain yourselves. My media colleagues have been gracious enough to allow me to…

Ranab Sogwami: …Mr. Localparty….yes…Mr. Localparty, why did you have to do such a thing to this great nation? Why? Who will answer the billion Indians who are demanding an explanation? One minute…yes, Mr. Localparty.

Me: Boss, I have absolutely no clue about what you are asking ! First of all, you tell me, why you are leaning on the table facing sideways and looking outside the TV? I am seeing six faces on the screen, which face is yours?

Darkha Butt: Isn’t this the bane of the system? In a sense, this whole angst of losing face is so misplaced against this corrupt mechanism that we tend to lose focus of the actual problem that is staring right into our faces threatening us…if the cameraman can pan towards me…yes..thank you…no towards me…yes…threatening to condemn us into poverty pushing us beyond the edge of clear.logical.thinking.? What could be the reason?

Me: Can you repeat your question please? I am getting distracted with your waving hands.You are holding a pen in one hand and waving so much, I am scared ink will fall on my shirt.

Jardeep Rasdesai: E-E-E-E-Is it because you had a bad childhood, localparty, is it because people have a bad childhood that they actually resolve to writing like this? E-E-E-E-In a sense they like to vent their anger by writing like this? On the one hand, you have the-the-the-the…the writing gurus who take offense with anything outside the Oxford dictionary and on the other, you have random people like you who claim credit to…literature.

Me: Wait. First, please pass me a tissue, I want to wipe my face. Next, please say “spit” otherwise you will get mouth ulcer and all. Third, do you know you are saying two completely random things? The second one is not even a question. What should I say?

Jardeep Rasdesai: I was saying is commercial interest becoming more important than actual content? Is advertisement dictating all the content?

Me: Well…

Jardeep Rasdesai: Be-Be-Be-Be-Before you answer that question, let me into slip into a short commercial break. When we come back, we will hear all about this latest sensation called localparty.

-Ad break-

Darkha Butt: Welcome back. Is this a new trend we are seeing in this country today? The sort of, easy way out for young people to escape from reality? To tell us more about it, we are talking to Localparty. Yes, please go ahead.

Me: Oh god, what should I say to keep the camera focused on me?

Ranab Sogwami: What should I say? Why? Why indeed? Why are you saying what should I say? You are answerable to this country. Mr. Localparty….Mr. Localparty…..Mr. Localparty….yes. Mr.Localparty, this country has a right to know!

Me: I am going to go crazy but I am going to say something to shut your mouth. Because it is my choice.

Ranab Sogwami: Why? Why indeed? Should a billion Indians be resigned to the whims and fancies of a single person? Why? Why indeed? Why?

Gasarika Hose: It eeeeez my chaaaaice, says localparty ashefacesthenationtonightonourshow. What do you, the viewer, think about all this? Let’s see what the country has to say…….98 percentofyouthinkwearethebestonair right. now. That’s 98 percent of the country. So localparty, are you happy?

Me: Oh, your lipstick is a little smudged. To the right. No, My right. Yes. A little left. Yes. Oh, your hair….Now it’s fine.

Gasarika Hose: Are you happy now?

Me: Are you going to end this show?

Gasarika Hose: Yayyyyssssss (Yes)

Me: Then I am very happy.

Rannoy Poy (very softly): Please keep up the good work. I wish you many many many. MANY. more interviews like this.

Me: For this, you could have stayed back in your studio itself and recorded yourself. In the English language, one word is there. Narcissism.  Perfect for you all.

Jardeep Rasdesai: Is this typical of us? Do we always ask questions and never let the panel member answer? Does Indian journalism need a hard rethinking? Is this a wake-up call for us?

Me: Man, you are going to get solidly from me.

I watched all you guys only when I grew up. Even though deep inside I like all you guys (except that fellow who looks out of the TV all the time, I HATE him to the core) every night I want to say bad words to you. It is all your fault only.

You are always treating the thin guy like a patient. You are thinking arey, he is thin only no, he won’t say anything. That is also fine. But one thing only is simply too much. You are looking at the thin person and boldly asking “Oh, why are you so thin?”. Will you say the same thing to a “healthy” person?

Just one time you go and say “Why are you so fat?” to someone. Will you ask? No na? If you say it means I will accept you have guts. Bloody they will hit you in the head only. Then how come you get the guts to say the same to thin people? Making fun of thin guy is ok but making fun of fat guy is not ok is it? What boss? If this is unacceptable, that should also be unacceptable.

The thin guy is giving you so many advantages. When you want to go a movie, you will go in groups only right? Once all the healthy people get inside the auto, then only the thin guy gets inside. All through the journey he is sitting on somebody’s lap and bending his head.

Even if you are going by car, you are never allowing the thin guy to sit in the front. Some big person will sit in the front with nice leg room and all. He will also pull the seat back because he is huge. And then everybody else will climb in the backseat. Lastly, you are taking the thin guy and making him sit in between or on somebody’s lap. On top of that, you are also commenting “Your bones are hurting me”. Who asked you to make him sit on top of you boss? Give one separate seat or you come by auto na!
 
No, no. Listen to me. What the thin guy did to you? Whether he put any sand in your food? Like one idiot, you are saying if you are thin means you are cunning and shrewd and if you are heavy means you are innocent. What nonsense you are talking? 

That thin guy is saying he doesn’t have unwanted fat and he is very healthy, he is having very little risk of many diseases and all. “Eat more, man” you are saying. Do you know that scientifically, eating more will not make someone fat?

Outwardly you are making fun but secretly you are jealous. Then suddenly one time you will ask, “How you are maintaining your body like this? Tell me the secret na?”. Arey! If you want means he is maintaining his body, don’t want means he is looking weak is it? He won’t tell. Go find out yourself, go.

Actually, the thin guy is not going to the gym or doing anything. But what the thin guy can do? He is eating all the protein mixes, going through website after website, reading all the health magazines, but nothing is happening! Boss, all weight training exercise and all ok, but how long he will do that? At some point he also has to see the result na? If he goes to the gym means, he is becoming even more thinner only!

In the gym, one guy will come with six pack who is looking like some hero of some adult movie. He will come and show off his muscles. Everybody will look at that guy and want to become like him, but actually that guy is secretly paid by the gym just to give everybody a complex. All he is seeing in the gym is the ladies exercising with full focus because they are going to marry soon.

For slimming, so many options are there. Sauna belt with door delivery is there, then slimming tea is there, tummy tucker dress is there, Kellogs special package is also there and on top of everything so many diet centres are there. For weight gaining, what is there? If you ask the dietician means she is scratching her head. She herself is undergoing weight loss program, then how she will advise on becoming fat?

Over-weight people want to become thin. Thin people want to become fat. I don’t know where this will stop.

All you non-vegetarians and non-veg eating vegetarians, what you are doing is simply too much. Why you are joking about vegetarians? You want means you eat hen, cow, pig, goat and all. Why you are simply asking vegetarians “Why you are not eating the animals?” Arey, I know ki, if you eat the animals you will not die. But that is not the point. If you eat the animal, the animal is dying no? Why you don’t understand this logic?

Without understanding this, simply you are coming and showing all the dead animals to the vegetarians, making them to vomit. Whether you will clean the vomit? Tell me. You are coming and telling, the animal is already dead, then why it matters who eats it? Arey it is dead only, but why you are doing such things I want to know.

Then you are teasing them, putting the non-veg in their plates, saying their food touched chicken, it kissed the mutton and all. You want to transfer the sins or what?

Then you are bringing one full fish with all decorations in the table. That fish is staring at everybody. It is looking as if it expecting someone to save it. When you are opening its stomach, it is opening its mouth. And the smell it gives, uff. Too much. You like the smell? Then why you are using deodorant and all? Simply put one fish in your pocket and go to office. Will you do like that?

If a vegetarian wants to eat egg means, immediately you are ganging against that person. You are asking ki if you are eating egg, then why you don’t eat chicken. What nonsense you are speaking? Whether you know the meaning of eggitarian? If you don’t know means shut up.

You are eating animals no? Why you eat only meek animals like goat, cow, deer and all? Whether you will eat dog and cat? Tomorrow go to shop and ask for 1 kilo country breed dog. You can’t no? This is also like that only.

That vegetarian fellow is saying, when you are cutting the goat it is releasing lot of adrenaline. If you eat such meat means it is bad for health. So he is not eating. But you are saying it is proteins and health and all? He is already drinking milk and eating dal for proteins.

And then you are making fun for drinking milk. You are saying, “go drink milk, go”. You are secretly drinking milk in the night and here you are coming and putting scene. Whether you have common sense?

For you only you have ordered all the chicken. Then you are digging your hand in the Gobi Manchurian also. You want to eat both the dishes. You are then laughing and showing your teeth and daring to make counter-attack. If they make counter-attack, you are laughing and secretly crying inside, because your chicken is gone.

I think you are having some psychological problems. Better consult a doctor.

This Gaddafi fellow is there no? He is a useless character. He is not going only. He is ruling for 42 years. People are telling him, “Arey baba, you have ruled for so long, now you go away”. He is telling no, why suddenly you want me to go?

All because of that stupid people in Tunisia. See, they want to change their leader. They can change and be quiet na? They are spreading the revolution to Egypt. There only the problem started. The Mubarak started beating his own people with stones. I mean he did not throw stones himself and all, but his supporters did all the things.

The western world is facing issue like one scorpion stung thief. They are telling Mubarak ho mubarak, your people want you to retire, so please go. He tried many stunts. In between this Al-Jazeera channel also put up camera everywhere like local garment store and clearly showed the reality. Ultimately he escaped with his family to one resort. There he liked the massage or something I don’t know but he said ki, “Boss, this place is too good. I am quitting and settling here.” So everybody was happy?

But no, not the Libyans. They are turning left, Tunisians are making crazy noise, saying something called democracy. They are turning right, the Egyptians are clapping their hands. Till now America is saying words like restraint, democracy and other things like that. So Libyans ne socha ki, chalo, we will also try our best. If we win, we will get new leader and if we don’t, what the hell, he is only ruling us now. But that Gaddafi fellow is using air planes to kill his own people!

Suddenly, every country is angry with Gaddafi. Obama is calling Gaddafi and says, boss you giving oil and all is ok, but now stop killing. He says no. That French guy is there na, that guy who has a hot wife, he comes and says ki, boss, this is unacceptable, you go. Gaddafi says, arey, you go. This is my country, you don’t poke your nose inside it. Then they run to UN and get permission (for what reason I don’t know). Some Arab Union is also saying ok ok, you bomb Libya, as if it is their country, they are telling.

Here only anti-climax. China and Russia is saying wait man, you are acting in a silly manner. Then India. Already India is facing too much headache. All scamsters are busy discussing about each others scams, in between this headache also. So it is saying there is no enough information.  I also won’t vote only.

But who will listen? Arey India and China together account for one-third of world population. So what? What we guys know about world peace? We don’t have the guts to go somebody’s house and fight with them! Bloody we don’t have the guts to go to neighbour’s house and ask biscuit only, then how they will listen to us? We are not strong people. Half the world is opposing this attack, but all these are weak fellows. France is telling ki, as long as we are there, we will not let Gaddafi kill his people. Arey if France wants to kill, then let him give them a chance na? Anyway Sarkozy can’t try such stunt anywhere else in the world, and all his soldiers are sitting jobless playing videogames.

You see, already France, UK, USA image is big damage. They tried something and all in Iraq but that Saddam has cleverly hidden the nuclear bomb. Now only their chance. Let them do no. Anyway we are just reading newspaper and simply chatting.