The Local Tea Party

The pen is mightier than the sword and all ok, but don't try to fight with a pen. Otherwise there will be ink all over you.

Blame it on the British

See, we were all very happy and nice people only. Basically, we were killing each other but nobody was bothered anyway. Then suddenly the British fellows landed and saw ki, arey, these barbarians are killing each other. We must stop them. We must only kill them.

So thinking like this, they happily parked their ships and came inside. Our people thought ki they were selling Fair and Lovely cream and said ‘Please come please come’. Suddenly those fellows are showing their guns! Arey! Then we put one compromise and said ‘Ok ok, don’t shoot, now take that land and put factory there.’

Then they did lot of nonsense things to India (that and all is not important now). They suddenly realised ki they can make more money out of BBC documentaries about India than actually staying here. So these fellows left and immediately told the BBC only one word. BBC used this word and made unimaginable incomes for Her Majesty. That word was ‘Malaria’.

Arey British fellows, when you leave you can leave simply no? You idiots left behind some stupid practices that are torturing us day in and day out.

Then what man? For centuries we are comfortably looking at the Sun and doing our jobs. Suddenly you came here and told ki, ‘From today, 1 day = 24 hours = 1440 minutes = 86400 seconds. Ok?’

We didn’t want to be rude and as always, we shook our head and said ‘Oh that aa, that we already know’ and then went away. And then forgot about it. How can we remember such stupid division of time? Why else you think the whole world is complaining ki ‘Indians are never on time, Indians are never on time’.

Boss, for centuries, we are living a normal life and we are respecting the power and awe and beauty of Time. Suddenly you want to take all of Time and compress it inside your watch means how it will work? For us it always between two events in time. Between sunrise and noon. Between noon and sunset.

In your country people are unemployed means you are sitting and putting 60 lines inside the dial. And then to make use of it, you will come and say ‘Let us meet at exactly 5.43 this evening’ means we should obey is it? Not possible. We have thousand and one tasks on hand. We can’t change our biological clock for you and all.

One small island sitting in some nonsense part of the world and commanding everybody else ki, ‘We are the standard timekeepers called GMT. Your time will be plus or minus our time. Ok?’. That and all we can’t listen. We cannot run to your tick-tocks. We have our own concept of time. And we will do things slowly only.

If I am not able to do anything, my children will fulfil it for me. That’s all! Anyhow half the children in this country are saying they are fulfilling their parents’ wishes. Arey what is the hurry, boss? Why you want to finish everything in this birth itself?

If we are not able to complete anything this birth means, we will do it the next birth! That’s all! Anyway so many births are there.

What you are going to achieve running against the time? However early you leave the stupid traffic is the same only. That again you British fellows’ fault only.

We were happily moving about in the roads. Suddenly you are putting the lanes and traffic lights and asking us to obey means who will obey? That is why, even if there is red signal we are still happily roaming around in the road as if nothing happened. And then you will say ‘Indians have no road sense at all!’

Boss, you don’t tell us ok? We had roads before you itself. But we had bullock carts and those animals are color blind. You put coloured traffic lights in front of them means how they will obey the lights yaar? So we were like, ‘Screw it. Let the lights be there for formality. Come let us go. Hai drrrr….’

And we are doing totally fine! For that also your BBC fellows will say ‘There is a method to the madness in this country’. Some nonsense you are talking. Anyway.

The bottom line is you came here and screwed us all. See what you did to our education? Some nonsense concept you introduced and all the beautiful artistic people like jeweller, carpenter, singer, dancer, weaver, farmer all want their children to study engineering. Arey!

Like this only you screwed our economy, resources and destroyed and looted everything that came in your way and went off. See where we are right now? All because of you British fellows only.

But what our forefather fellows were doing all this while only I never understood?

You should get married soon. Or else..

My best friend Guru was going to break the glass and jump out of the Cafe Coffee Day building. I almost let him do it.

Why because I will also do the same. You also want to do the same thing I know.

Then what man? Whenever and wherever you go, people are asking only one thing. When you are getting married, when you are getting married. Arey! Getting married is the sole purpose of having born in this planet, is it? And if we tell the age means, the reaction is even stupid. ‘Oh you are so old and you are not married yet? Why? Any problem you have?’ like that you are asking. You are reacting as if he is having some terminal illness like cancer or AIDS. Any problem YOU have? I want to ask.

Especially the parents people. They are giving so many warning sounds like ‘Every day you waste, your chance of getting married becomes less and less. You have to do certain things in certain age’. Arey, what is this?

You are talking as if we are some bananas that should be eaten at the right time! If we delay means our skin will turn black and peel off or something, like that you are speaking and scaring?

Especially the poor fellows working in other countries. If one fellow is coming from the abroad on holiday to India means there are only two reasons. First reason is ‘Property Registration’ in the suburban area and the second is a guided tour of visiting potential life partner.

My god, within 5 days you want to see 10 people and choose one and immediately seal the deal! Boss, even credit card takes 21 working days to reach home. You want to fix marriage in 5 days?

You know what is the best joke? If you reject the first one means, the parents will put one scene no, uff. Too much. Like as if you have committed one blasphemy they will react. ‘If you do like this means you will never get married. You must not have such high expectations. You have to be realistic.’ and what and all advice they give! They want to finish off their responsibilities, like that they are saying.

I agree yaar, ki, they have worked all their life and now they want to relax and live with no tension and all. We also want to see our parents enjoy retired life. But for that why they want to put so much blackmail only I don’t understand.

You are putting so much drama and telling, ‘Father is getting old and his health problems are also there. What if “something happens to him” without seeing your marriage?’. Like this and all you will say means what to do?

This is like saying ‘If you don’t kill yourself now, I will die. Now you choose what you want to do’.

The kids are not saying they will not marry, no? They are only saying ki, they will marry when they are ready to spend the rest of their lives with one person. What is wrong in asking for more time? And then you are asking, how much time you want? 1 month? 2 months? Arey!

Best is the married friends. These fellows will not keep quiet, ok? See, already he is having so much complications because he got married. He has to put his child to school next year, already paying the home loan, personal loan, credit card bill and car loan and in short, leading a shitty life.

On top of that he will come to the house and say ki ‘When you are going to put wedding food man? Aunty, why your son is not getting married? If you delay like this means that’s all’, like that he will light fire and go away. Bloody fellow. Why he is coming to the house only I never understand.

Best comedy is, if you keep delaying, parents will keep relaxing their conditions. First they will put condition ki only arranged marriage you should do. Then after some years they will agree ki they will allow love marriage but only within the same community. And then after few more years, total relaxation, ‘Boss, you bring some person, we will get you married. Just bring someone, ok?’

Arey! When we are having high school and college crush you will shout at us and totally prevent from making even one landline call to that girl’s house. Now you are saying bring anyone, but just get married.

Every person will automatically know when they are ready for marriage. If someone is getting old and not getting married means society will think bad it seems. Who is that society? Bring that fellow here. We will talk to him. Or her. Whether they have any logic behind age and marriage I want to understand. Who decides who is young and who is old?

Boss, we are all human beings yaar. We are having something that no other living thing has. We are having something called soul. This body only will become old. How young the soul inside is, that only matters. 

 

This New Year, watch cartoons.

(Inspiration - Mary Schmidt/Baz Luhrmann and Sidin Vadukut)

Ladies and gentlemen of the world of 2012, watch cartoons.

If I could offer you only one tip for this year means, cartoons would be it. The long term benefits and scientists’ proof and all you don’t worry about, just watch means watch. Whereas as the rest of my message for you this New Year has no basis more reliable than my own non-existent experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your two-wheeler; oh never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your two wheeler until you buy a car and get stuck in traffic. When you buy a car in five years, then only you will understand ki how comfortable your bike was and how many cops you cheated and how much petrol you saved back then…Two wheelers are not as bad as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the March 31 year end targets or worry, knowing ki all year end targets culminate on April Fools’ Day. The real troubles in your life will be from the fact that you are wearing one stinking pair of socks for at least 9 hours every day or the fact that you are not taking bath on a lazy Sunday.

Do a sales job at least once in your career.

Jump.

Don’t leave nasty comments in other people’s walls and blogs. Don’t publish dirty comments that other people leave on your blogs.

Swim.

Don’t expect people to like every thing you say on social websites. Sometimes you are liked many times, sometimes nobody will even read your status update…the race is long and in the end, the status update is only a way of talking to yourself.

Remember to wish people on their birthdays outside Facebook, ignore the people who don’t wish you on yours. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your Reynolds pen cap safe, throw away your torn socks.

Tweet.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know how to use macros in Microsoft Excel…the most well-paid analysts I know hardly excel in anything else. Some of the most well-paid guys I know cannot even rename a sheet in Excel.

Get plenty of hard disk space for your computer.

Be kind to your computer. You will miss it when it crashes and lose all your pictures when you have to format your hard-disk.

Maybe you eat non-veg food, maybe you don’t, maybe you eat only egg, may be you don’t, maybe you’ll be a vegetarian and still eat chicken, maybe you eat chicken only when consuming alcohol..whatever you do, don’t laugh at the person doing the thing opposite of what you do - you are lying to your parents, so is everybody else.

Enjoy travelling by train. Use it every time you can. Don’t travel in AC coaches just because the company is paying for it. Travel in sleeper class with windows open. It’s the greatest way to have fun.

Kiss. Even if you are single, find someone or something to kiss. But don’t do it in public places.

Look at the traffic signal, even if you don’t obey it.

DO NOT watch news channels. They will only make you angry.

Get to know your current mobile phone. You never know when it will be gone for good.

Be nice to your colleagues. They only will cover up for you if you are lying to your boss and taking fake sick-leave.

Understand that neighbours come and go, but there are a precious few you must always annoy. Work hard to find out that neighbour girl’s phone number, because the more you delay, the more the possibility of her boyfriend dropping her off outside your apartment right before your eyes.

Live in south India once, but leave before you forget how to drive a car. Live in north India once, but leave before you forget how to drive.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths. iPhone 4S will become old in a few months. You must never change your iPhone ringtone from its default Marimba tune. Metro rail system will never reduce traffic on the roads. You will never find a young Air India air hostess. An on-site job is NOT the end of the world. Respect the people who have never seen the First World.

Respect the south Indians for their filter coffee.
 
Don’t expect the TV to show good programs all the time. Put it on mute when advertisements are on.

Don’t put cat pictures on your profile.

Be careful whose blog you read, but, appreciate those who blog. Blogging is a form of yoga, where you do abnormal things just to keep you normal.

But trust me on the cartoons.

This is not a problem at all

Boss, what 100 days 100 days? I don’t understand. We have seen so many centuries ok? We celebrate every time 100 is reached. So this time also we will celebrate. Agreed boss, Manipur has faced ONE HUNDRED days of economic blockade. So what?

After all it is in some stupid corner of the country that sends only 2 MPs to Parliament. For that what you expect? That the entire government will run to help is it? Silly fellow. How many MPs in the Parliament, that much only value they get.

See, these Nagas and Kukis are having some old family problems. The Kuki people are asking ki boss, we are majority in Sadar Hills in Manipur, so you create one separate district for us. Otherwise we will put economic blockade in the state. Like that they said and blocked the National Highway. Then the state government agreed and suddenly the Naga fellows said ki, boss if you put separate district means, we will block the highway!

Arey! You have a fight means, you go and kill each other somewhere else yaar, why you are blocking our economy? Like that the rest of the Manipuris are asking.

See these Manipuri fellows are also crazy fellows ok. For so many years they are asking only. If nobody is listening to them anyway, why they keep on asking I don’t understand. That lady Irom Sharmila, like one silly woman, she is fasting for so many years to remove the AFSPA. Anything happened? No na? Then why they keep asking?

The Manipuri women tried walking without dress also because Army people are raping them. You remember? All the press people took the photographs and then they printed it all over the place and all. And then nothing happened.

Then why these Manipuris are expecting something to happen this time also? Boss, the Central government is too busy ok? Just now the scandal drama and all stopped and Anna Hazare is silent and Prime Minister has gone underground for a few days. Again you want to call him and solve this means how he will do?

Arey, ok, petrol is costing Rs. 200 per litre in Manipur. Fine. Agreed. But what to do? The government is busy talking to Mamata Banerjee na! She is blackmailing the government because petrol price was increased by ONE rupee yesterday. Now you itself tell, which is more important? Then how can government focus on Manipur yaar? It also has other things to do no? Like staying in government etc etc.

This is not new for any government no? Some fellow will keep asking for separate state or separate district. They will put bandh and all. You remember the Gurjar caste people who wanted Scheduled Tribe status? Government is too experienced in tackling such issues. You should leave it to them and not write silly blog posts.

Anyway why they are agitating no one is bothered. Arey, they want better jobs, not poverty, better standards of living etc. Our country famous policy is if you put violence means they will listen. So only instead of asking for these things directly, they are putting all the blockade and bandh and doing all the other nonsense things. But government is thinking ki we will happily pass one bill and then go and tell ki, ‘We have met the demands of the people, please vote please vote’.

See, these things will keep happening. We only should look the other way and pretend nothing is happening. Better these Northeast people get out of their state and go to other states. We also need some entertainment no? We can pass nice comments at them.

Anyway, tomorrow we will be meeting these Manipuri people and calling them Nepalis. Or Chinkis. Why we should care?

We deserve better. Please.

Everybody is affected by these fellows. Wherever you go these guys are there. Arey, if they are at least good you can look at them, but you can easily count the number of good ones using one finger itself. These bad advertisements when I see them no, I simply want to kill the guy who created it.

Boss either you be like Doordarshan ads. Say something and go away. At least don’t put scene. Or you create better advertisements. Don’t try to come and tell bull shit to us ok? We can easily find out.

What you are saying? If the man puts the deodorant and goes means all the girls will drop their clothes and run behind him is it? What nonsense concept is this yaar? Have you seen this happen anywhere in this world? Then how you expect it to happen in a conservative and traditional and deeply cultured country like India, I don’t understand. Ridiculous fellow.

How much story you are telling? Some girls will come out of the sea, some girls will fall from the sky and some girls even come and bite the men is it? Best is, you are telling ki if I put the deodorant means even neighbour girl will take off her dress in the smell. Bloody, if I put that deodorant means, even I myself cannot smell it after 10 seconds, where will neighbour girl smell it?

Also, there is no neighbour girl concept in this world. That you know? Has there ever been a single eligible neighbour girl living next door to a single eligible neighbour guy? Whose ears you are trying to keep flowers?

But still, men are trying only. Just in case. Who wants to miss the opportunity yaar?

Hello ladies, you too. Don’t just laugh at men for this. How many times you are believing the ad and putting the Clearasil and Fair and Lovely and all the other one million items on your skin and hair? Has anything changed even one bit? No!

Forget the deodorants, even the car fellows are worst. Boss you car guys have lot of money yaar! Why can’t you make some nice ads? You have brought in so much money from Korea but still you can’t create one good ad is it? All your ads are absolute nonsense crap. We are only seeing Shahrukh Khan open his arms and smile as if KKR is winning the IPL. But what you are trying to tell nobody understands.

You want one strategy to increase your sales using advertisement? I will give one advice. Don’t give any advertisement. Seeing your ad, even people who want to buy your car will run away.

You remember that chocolate ad in the 90s? One fellow will hit six and his girl friend will dodge the policeman and dance in the ground like a small girl? Ad means it should be like that. It shows one happy moment which is a simple pleasure of life. Simple and nice ad.

Instead why you want to confuse everybody including yourself? You keep on asking ‘Have I made it large?’ ‘Have I made it large?’! If you itself don’t know means how others will know? Boss first of all you tell what product you are selling?  How such stupid ads are getting approval itself I don’t understand!

I can only think of one explanation only for all of this: The ad guy must be some fellow from B-School with initials in its name. Ditto for the client guy. Both these fellows are smoking up some banned substance. One fellow says some nonsense concept for ad. The other fellow thinks it is brilliant. That’s all.

What you think of us? That we will watch whatever you put is it?

But we are watching only. What to do? That only is the problem.

Eat junk food

Boss, how long you are going to live? In such a short time, why you want to restrict yourself and not eat any of the awesome junk food? First of all you tell me who is that idiot who named it junk food? You know what junk means right? So you are saying that everything they put in that dish has been collected from the dustbin or what?

Arey the ‘junk food’ consists of the same items you put in normal food. Then why this hatred? You know how awesome junk food is? I will tell you.

Imagine you are forgetting to take your Tupperware lunch one day. What you will do? You will be going to eat at the cafeteria right?

See, it is universal fact that all the cafeteria ‘chefs’ were construction workers in their earlier jobs. Arey they put sand, cement, stones and water in that concrete mixer na, like that the idiot chef will simply mix some two vegetables and make one dish that even a baby that is going to be born will puke. This guy will be giving regular ‘homely’ food.

Next counter guy will be preparing the awesome junk food. He will be cutting the onions right in front your eyes with his clean hands and sprinkling them over the pav-bhaji and serving you hot. Now you tell me, which will give you more satisfaction?

That also you leave, imagine what will happen to all the ladies if they don’t eat pani puri? My god! Even if they are going to get married in 10 minutes, they will park their Scooty in the side of the road and order one plate pani puri.

When they open their mouth wiiiiide and push that big puri with stuffed masala inside, they will forget the entire world around them, including that little fellow who is doing one-bathroom nearby. When they are biting that pani puri and the taste of the salty water mixes with the potato and hits their brain, at that moment, even if you ask them to marry you, they will say yes.

Best is when eating the samosa. The dance the people will do when they are suddenly biting that hot samosa no, hahaha, soo funny it will be. They don’t want to spit the hot potato masala, but at the same time they can’t bear the heat also. Too good it will be to see.

Or when they are biting that chilli bajji at the beach, they will also ask for chilly chutney as side dish. Their bravery should be saluted only. On top of all this, some idiots are saying ki Indians are meek people. Silly fellows.

Now one thing you itself tell. Why you think there are so many north Indian fellows at sandwich shops? Already they are undergoing some punishment at home in the form of tasteless food. That’s why they are coming and telling the guy ki ‘Boss, one chilli cheese, double spice, ok? Put extra chilli chutney’. Poor fellows.

Boss, eat junk food and be happy. Imagine what will happen if you are not eating junk food? All the fast food guys will close their shops (demand-supply economics problem). Then suddenly there will be price rise. One plate samosa will suddenly cost one hundred ‘bucks’ and in addition to your monthly 3G plan you have to add one samosa plan also. And you have to eat ‘Ghee rice (dal extra) Frankies’ or ‘Curd rice tikka’.

If there is no junk food, people will not be so happy. If they are not happy, their productivity will go down. Then economy will go into recession. Again. Then people will not want to have babies. Then our population will come down. If there is no population, who will protect our rich cultural heritage and all?

You need all this or what? Better nip it in the bud itself.

Everybody is busy ok?

Excuse me busy fellow, but why you want to put so much scene? Whenever your friends suggest to do something fun, then only you will have all sorts of work in this world. ‘Oh no, there is so much to do. I have to read, send a report, email this, print that, go to hell and come back by tomorrow morning..’ . Some nonsense reason you will give.

One time two times is ok, always some stupid reason you give? You say you are busy with this, busy with that, but somehow you will find all the time in the world to update status messages, including your bloody latitude and longitude, in all the social networking websites. And still you act as if the whole earth is rotating on your head.

In school days only you put all the scene in the world in front the girls. (The girls bloody didn’t even look at you, that is a different story.) You were sitting under the tree with a book, even in PT period when other boys were playing hand cricket. God knows what you were studying, because you were anyway getting the same 70% marks in all the subjects.

Even today you repeat the same thing. Anyone calls you means you will not attend the call. And then after 2 days like one lord, you will call back and say ‘Sorry man, I was in a meeting that day.’ They will also reply as if nothing has happened ‘Hehe, no problem re, just called you just like that.’

See if you don’t want to anyone to disturb you in chat means, don’t login itself na! Or login under ‘Invisible mode’. Why you want to put “DO NOT DISTURB” as the status man? This is heights of scene. You want to show off in front of everybody that you are the only one doing work and other fellows with green dot are all jobless fools is it? Nonsense.

And worst is the other guys who always have the red dot. You are always busy is it? Who you are trying to fool? First of all, you should not login to chat itself in office, that you know? On top of that you will exhibit all sorts of stupid behaviour.

Oh and in the office the kind of scene you put. Uff man. If you stare seriously into the monitor means, nobody will know is it? Boss, everybody in this world knows you are playing Freecell. That is the only game in the world that will make you look like you are performing some complex integral calculus problems.

Either you do that or you do the other extreme. See, you are in a desk job. Why you always get up and move here and there with sleeves rolled up and pencil behind the ears? People will look at you and go, ‘Man, he is so busy. Such a hard worker’. No? Whenever somebody wants to talk to you, you act as if you are the CEO and immediately tell, ‘Oh, I have a meeting in 5 minutes. Can you please send me a calendar invite for next Wednesday? I am fully booked till then.’

I have one doubt. If you are always in meeting means when you will do your work?

Besides, what meeting meeting? Two people go into the conference room and talk means it is a meeting is it? Two people talking means it is a conversation. Three people only is a meeting. I know what you will discuss in the conference room. ‘Arey, this room is so much better. The AC outside is so bad. Let us stay here for a while.’ All the others outside will think ki you are discussing some mind blowing strategy that will change the history of the company.

Why you want to act like the CEO of the company? Even the CEO is roaming around casually, as if he is jobless. He is looking at you and wondering what so much work you have, he himself cannot understand.

Next time I see you show off, I will ask you questions such that you will want to pluck your tongue and die off. Or even better, I myself will pluck your tongue.

What is there in history?

Maths. Physics. Chemistry. Biology. Computer Science, especially BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN and all the other nonsense you studied. Are you using any of these subjects in your real life? No na? You tell me one time, just one time where you have used trigonometry after the board exam?

Arey, in the school only the teacher was killing us. Now you also started. If you are not using any other subject from school in real life means, why history alone you are clinging on to it like a baby monkey?

Agreed boss, history is important for us to remember and all. But why so much importance you are giving to previous centuries I don’t understand.

Best is the political fellows. Suddenly they will remember some chapter in history and they will say ki “Arey! This is not the ‘original’ name of the place! First let me change it back to its historic name.” Mental or what?

Along with history only they taught us Civics. Come on tell me the Preamble of the Constitution? What? Constitution has a Preamble? Like that you will ask.

Historically, we are monkeys. Then walking around naked. Then doing unmentionable things in the public places. Then only farming business. You want to go back and do any of these things? No na? Then?

What you think? All our forefathers were concerned by the history or what? They didn’t think like that and all.  If they thought like that means why they invented clothes? We can still wear leaves na? That only is our “historic” dress right? (I know what you are thinking. No no, without any dress, it will uncomfortable in front the opposite gender people.)

Boss, they didn’t think about the future only. If they thought about future means why they put dirty sculptures in the temples? Didn’t they know that in the future kids will come and look at them and ask nonsense questions to their mothers? If they thought about future means why they put that hole in the ozone? If they didn’t think about future, why we should think about their history I ask?

"Ashoka planted trees all along the road"…still you are reading this and getting fooled? History means starts with Ashoka The GREAT (?!) and ends in 1947 is it? Who will read 1947 to 2011? Bloody.

Boss, read history, nothing wrong. But use it to study IAS (Mains) exam. Get good marks and get settled in life. And let others live peacefully.

Why you want to take that history book and tie yourself around with it only I am not getting. If you keep doing only what is there in the history books, how you will enter the history books? Bloody you are interested in everybody else creating history, but you don’t want to create anything is it? Sachin creates history, scientists create history, Anna Hazare creates history…all nonsense gossip stories you will sit and talk. But you will not go out and do one thing that is different from others.

Instead, you are coming and preaching about “good old days” nonsense to all of us here and ask us lay eggs reading history. You are living in the present means live according to present times. That’s all.

"Historically we are this, historically we are that" what kind of nonsense is this? Historically we are all amoeba, you know that? So you will crawl on the roads like amoeba is it?

See even the United Nations itself given warning to all of us. They went and told Bolivia ki, boss, historically you may have chewed the cocain-leaves as tradition, but now we are telling you ki it is illegal. Don’t ask why illegal and all. If you want means stay, else go out. To hell with your tradition.

UN itself telling. Better you pay attention. Otherwise you will become history.

How big is your house?

What sort of a neighbour are you? You only. On one hand you are talking freedom of expression, right to do this and that, but on the other hand you are not allowing the kids to play cricket with other kids in the apartment means what is this logic? Where the kids will go? In their playing area, you have put up parking lots with numbers. Then? The kids have to break glasses only. No choice.

See boss, your father had some issues with your neighbour means, you will shout at the kids also is it? What wrong they did yaar? Let them play as they want.

Arey, the world is overtaking us and running like a mad dog in Indian summer. Still you are saying ki people from such and such area are bad, that locality kids are all evil fellows, is it? Still you are asking your kids “What play is needed with those kids?”. Arey! Wake up man. Let them talk to those kids, play with them. Then only they will understand ki what the real world is made of. Besides, you yourself know, there only beautiful girls are there. Here…

Boss, your house, you have to be proud, agreed. For that you don’t have to go around all the houses and shout, “My house only awesome, my house only best” etc, ok? Keep that feeling to yourself inside your house. Outside, give respect take respect.

By the way, what you are best? You anyway are not cleaning your house itself. You are outsourcing it to housemaid. If at all you clean, only the hall is clean. Once you go inside the bedroom means you will know. How much clothes you are stuffing in that cupboard and locking it nicely. Open it once and all the clothes will fall off like waterfall. Once in a while you will put naphthalene balls in between the clothes means, that’s all is it? When will the actual cleaning happen boss?!

And anyway, still you are stealing food from the fridge in your own house in the nights only! And best is you have some standard people to put the blame on. If something goes wrong or something is missing means immediately you are blaming the housemaid only. “I think it is the maid. She only will do such things..”, like that you are saying.

Some good thing happening in your neighbour’s house means take part in it. Don’t simply close the door and watch TV. You will only miss the wonderful food they are cooking. If they are in trouble means try to help. Instead, you also don’t shout at them like one lord, ok? Now only the apartment secretary will come and say ki “Boss, your behaviour is unacceptable. You are bringing and talking to people we don’t like. We are going to impose sanctions on you. You have not paid maintenance fees also, we will cut off the water supply”. Don’t join chorus music with him. Use your brains from time to time and do what is right.

How many years you are going to live? In those years, why you want to behave like this? Boss, money will come today, go tomorrow. This house that you live in no, you think it will still be like this 500 years from now?

How old is your house? Before you built this house you know what it was? And 500 years before that? It would have been some beautiful farmland. Or some dry forest that no one would have even wanted to stop on the way and do one bathroom, who knows?

Suddenly real estate became valuable now means don’t think it will be like this forever. You think this boundary wall will be the same 500 years from now? If you still say yes means, better you consult a doctor.

So go out and be a good tenant. Ask your grandparents. They have lived in bigger house. It just was not called India at that time.

Now multiply this by one billion.

Happy Independence Day.

Don’t mess with the single people

All you publicly married and secretly register-marriaged people, leave the single guys alone man. Arey one single guy how many people will make fun yaar?

Have you ever been single in your life? Life is hell only. Especially when that single guy is having married friends or friends in relationships, that’s all. His life is finished. The things that person has to go through, oh god! He is single because he wants to enjoy life for a few more days ok? But now only the entire world will take revenge on him. And I am not talking about single people with girl friend or boy friend. (That is another torture story.)

I am talking about normal single people who like to live life with themselves and not with their cell-phones. Occasional flirting is allowed ok? But the torture story is a national conspiracy only.

It all starts with Indian Railways man. None of you guys are allowing that poor single fellow to sleep in the lower berth. Not even one time!

“Excuse me, ladies is there, can you please move to the upper berth? Thank you”, “Excuse me, you are alone? My father is heart patient, can you please sleep in his upper berth?” you are showing all your teeth and asking. And you know what is the best thing? If that fellow says no means, because it is his berth and he has every right to say no, all you other morons are immediately jumping and talking as if one crime has been committed.

Arey! What nonsense man! Bloody railways, in the history of billion train journeys in India, not even one single time you are putting a single guy and a single girl in the same compartment! Never. How much ever you go through that passenger list outside the train, no chance. No way. All above 40 years only. I don’t know how Railways is doing it man. I think there is some special software for that.

People go to movies to watch and enjoy quietly ok? Some single people like it like that. There only you will come with your whole extended family and sit in the same row. And bloody you will keep moving in and out to buy popcorn and puff and don’t let the single person watch in peace. Movie interval means compulsorily you have to eat is it? In between important scene only your wife will sssshhhh your baby. Boss, when you’re coming to movies leave the brat babies at home yaar! See baby only is cute. Baby poop is not cute even to you ok?

Best is what you know? You folks will call your single friends for shopping. Uff, there is nothing like that hell man. You will see one shirt, immediately you will call your spouse (or someone like that) and describe it over phone. And then that person will ask the price. You will tell. Then they will say it is too costly. Then you will start bargaining with them and try to convince them. Boss, then why the hell did you bring the single guy to shopping with you yaar?

Ever tried going to a restaurant alone and eat? That idiot manager will not even care to look at you if you are alone. All the other customers will come like one army and the manager will run behind them only. Table after table will become empty but people who are coming after you will get seats and you will be standing like a waiter.

Even if you go with married friends, the scene they put, oh. They will drink the same tomato soup (one by two), share their dishes, feed each other, drink the same milk-shake. That idiot will also sip your drink and generously offer to his partner “Mmm. It’s nice. Try it.” As if it’s his drink! Boss! That I should give.

In the pubs and bars, I don’t even have to say it. Single? Then you have to pay so much cover charges that everyone in the country can drink for free in your money. Over drinks, single people want to check out other attractive people in the room ok? That time only you will come and discuss problems about your in-laws and all. Why don’t you understand ki nobody, NOBODY wants to hear about your fights with your in-laws yaar? Not while at the bar.

I think you are taking revenge on the single people because they are the only happy people and you are jealous of that. Mentals.