The Local Tea Party

The pen is mightier than the sword and all ok, but don't try to fight with a pen. Otherwise there will be ink all over you.

A few last words

20.12.2012 

In case the world is ending tomorrow, I want to leave some tips and tricks for the future humans, so that they are not repeating the same mistakes and bringing the same fate to themselves. (At least let them live happily forever, no?)

TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN

If you are reading this means, congratulations on inhabiting the earth once again. We humans rock. (To hell with cockroaches.) But before you start celebrating, you have to learn from past experience. Below, you will be finding some things we learnt while we rocked the planet ‘lyk nething’. I hope you use the below information correctly to ensure your continued presence on the planet.

1. Find the following two objects wherever they are and destroy hide them immediately

            a. Harris Jeyaraj music CDs

            b. Akshay Kumar movie DVD/CD/Bluray/Torrents

Also, never ever refer to them as ‘classics’. Some people used to do that and we are wondering ki if that is one reason the world ended. You don’t do the same mistake and bring the same fate upon yourselves. This is a second chance for humans. Please make use of it.

2. One clarification. There are no boyfriends in engineering college. There are no girls in engineering college. FYI.

3. No need to keep blaming the British for everything. Forgive them. They are already suffering till their last breath. Because Prince Charles is still Prince. Hahaha.

4. Never eat dosa with spoon and fork. (We think this is the number one reason the world wanted to end itself.)

5. If you are finding maps of countries or states, burn them. No need for boundaries. There is nothing called patriotism. Not required. We were test firing missiles all the time and forgot about diabetes. No need to prove that where you were born is the best place in the whole world when you had no control over that fact.

6. If you are male, try the following two things with a woman.

            a. Look into her eyes while talking

            b. Win an argument.

If you are able to achieve any/all of this means please leave a record for the future generations.

7. Test cricket is dying. Save it.

8. If you find grammar-nazis, kidnap them. Learn from them, but don’t let them out on the streets.

9. Don’t wear shoes (especially sports shoes) without socks. Ever.

10. We used to make fun of people based on what they read. I mean, ladies were reading books that nobody has even heard of, man! Where they found such books we didn’t know. And the tragedy in those books, uff! Too much crying. But it was so much fun making fun.

11. They used to make fun of people based on what book they followed. It was not fun. Better you avoid such things.

12. You don’t have to be honest all the time. If you break a neighbour’s window while playing cricket, run.

13. If you like someone means tell them. You never know when the world will end again. Even if it does not end, somebody will make a stupid movie out of the story and will call it ‘love story of the millennium’ etc etc. Better to avoid such complications.

14. Don’t put emotional status message updates. Somebody will say ‘k’ and you will think they are insensitive and you will be more emotionally upset.

15. Laugh. This is easier said than done only, but the world itself has ended and you are still around. What more reason you want to laugh at everything thrown at you?

Yours truly,

Love thy objects

It’s ok, boss. Don’t act too smart and call me superstitious. Everybody is attached to things ok? No no, not like attached to limbs and all. That everybody is. I mean the objects. Simply don’t keep on seeing rationale in everything. 

Not every object becomes close to you just like, right? Only some objects give you the privilege of being in love with them. And only some of them are interested in your secrets.

 Like the study table. Name only study table. You think studies happened at the table? Nothing like that. Only day-dreaming happened. Till date, it only knows how much of the marks I got in the exam was actually deserved. The only reason that table is still sitting in the house is because it cannot talk. There is a reason such objects don’t talk. Because if they talk means, that’s all, total honour gone for a toss.

Or take the vehicle. Boss, my mother has no idea I can use so many bad words like that! But the vehicle has a complete list of bad words I have used so creatively on other people while going on the road.

Forget bad words at others, you know how many conversations I have had with myself? Some days I am talking to myself and playing one entire movie on the vehicle - full comedy, tragedy, song sequence, everything in one journey.

Sometimes this vehicle will think I am talking to it and in protest of my argument, it will simply stop in the middle of the road. After a couple of relationship-based bad words at the inanimate object, things will be normal again and I will get moving.

Vehicle at least we can sell off or replace once it is starting to put too much repairs. But how will anyone know when to replace the underwear?! (I am talking about the decent underwear, not the dirty one.)

So the best thing to do is to keep on using it until a hole starts appearing. Then suddenly, the love for that underwear increases. So keep on wearing until the hole becomes bigger and bigger. And this love will spread to other torn clothes as well.

I don’t know why the brain thinks like that, but the torn clothes are the most comfortable clothes to be wearing. It is publicly visible (the hole), but still without any hesitation, I am wanting to wear it.

Mother will want to tear it out and use it in the kitchen, but no chance! That dress still has some more life in it yaar! Anyway, we are inside the house only no? Why waste? But after some days, that logic also goes away and suddenly I am roaming around the street to the nearby shop in the torn dress. See, I know the dress is torn somewhere, but nobody else knows no? Then why bother? Let me wear it for some more days.

Anyway, we are not that posh to keep changing dress just like that. As it is, the waist line is conducting a graduation ceremony every few months, on top of that if we have to replace the dress so frequently means how? Or they should give expiry date for such things. Even then we will not be changing, because these things are holding more secrets than anybody else in this world.

See attachment to objects and all have plenty of reason and logic ok? Objects come with a purpose and they will be leaving us only if the purpose is fully completed. Whether you have seen Lord of the Rings or not? Certain things if anyone takes them away means that’s all, life will stop only (MP3 player and iPhone and all not counted). The emotional trauma of the loss will be so much ki, it will give many sleepless nights and all. What if some black magic fellow made that object talk? What if this object suddenly started talking and telling all strange truths about me? Better to take care of it with love and affection and maintain it carefully.

No way I can let go of that blanket.

Keep the change but you won’t find it

This is beginning to get funny. On one hand, from the childhood, they are saying ki change is coming change is coming, you must be geared to face the change etc etc. On the other hand, there are these worst fellows who are saying ki ‘Oh tradition is getting spoilt. We must not let things change! etc etc’.

Relax boss, both of you. Let me tell you something. From the childhood till today, we are waiting, but where is the change??

After school they said college. Professor replaced teacher. After college they said work. Boss replaced professor. Then after first job. Worst boss replaced better boss. And then we even tried changing jobs and all, but… no way. Nothing is changing.

First we are looking at our parents and thinking ki, no way I am going to be like that. I am going to change everything around me and remove all the imperfections and make this a better place to live and all that BS, we will think. Home state, mother-tongue (that too if you are migrant means that’s all, total hatred for the mother-tongue only), religion, caste etc everything we will ridicule when we are young.

First opposition we will put is, total ridicule of the arranged marriage. All the friends will even agree ki it is ‘such a lame concept’ and all that. And yet, when you grow up these matrimony websites are having millions of registered accounts, that too operated by the parents only. Ok leave it, this, people are doing out of parents’ compulsion and so not doing it voluntarily.

But after this only change will start changing.

From the baby days, we are looking for change, but when you go to a new country or a new place, you want to go to a restaurant that serves you homely food in a ‘traditional manner’ it seems. Boss, you only wanted change no? Then take it!

While at home, nobody wanted to be a part of the festival ritual. On festival holidays, you will run away to play cricket instead of staying with the family and then when you are away from home, you are missing home and you want to take part in all the rituals.

But best moment of revelation comes when suddenly, from being the most boring dish, curd rice becomes the ‘best dish in the whole world!!!!!’. Add one more statement like ‘tender coconut is the coolest drink ever!’ and any talk of ‘permanent change’ is a myth from now on.

You could have pretended you hated your mother-tongue when you were young and spoken only in English with your family people and all, but suddenly you will be feeling attachment to some guy from your state who has done something proud for the country (like winning Olympics or securing a H1B or securing a train ticket using IRCTC website).

Then suddenly <language-religion> or <language-caste> becomes a cool word and you will even put it in all your profile descriptions, along with your favourite traditional food item or beverage.

Now that’s it. Flood gates are open. To hell with change.

Ladies will start dressing exactly like how their mother was dressing. Best is gents. Hair color and hair style will change but the amount of hair on head will be just like that on the father. You are thinking you are different from your father because you are more adventurous and left home to work somewhere, but sorry boss, father also did exactly the same thing when he was young. Father went to office without tucking in the shirt and went in Sandals. We are wearing shoes and tie and all and doing the same. Father used real pens and real files. We are using keyboard and computer files. That’s all. Everything else is the same.

Before you realise, this mysterious thing called ‘change’ is nowhere to be seen.

And we are sitting and wondering how we are having a culture that is many centuries old.

Happy Diwali.

So much to be concerned about

Full confusion only. One minute everything is happy and the next minute the world looks like it is going to end. I think I want to pull my hair.

See, India beat Pakistan. Everybody (I mean some people in India, maybe some in Pakistan also) is celebrating. Then immediately they are showing some protest rally where some people are demanding a separate state and all. See now you tell whether to celebrate or feel sorry?

Whenever we are celebrating means, you are putting all the guilt in the head and saying ‘How can you celebrate when so much atrocities are happening around you?’. Immediately I am losing all the high.

I don’t know boss. From the childhood this only big problem. When I am laughing out loudly means, the parents people are telling ‘Don’t laugh too much. Don’t laugh loudly. Don’t laugh like that. Don’t laugh. Tomorrow you will cry. Etc etc’ means how? I think that is why secretly they invented short forms like lol, rofl and all so that it is not appearing like we are actually laughing too much. Tell me something, if I am crying too much means whether anyone is coming and telling ‘Don’t cry too much, tomorrow you will end up laughing out loud. Be careful!’? No na? Then? Why this partiality against laughter?

Anyway. But why I should not do that is my only question. I should not have total fun itself, is it? ‘Do you know how many people are suffering in the world right now? Have you ever thought of it?’ you are asking .

Correct boss, even I am angry at all the bullshit happening in the world. I will even go out of my way to make a difference and like a page and forward SMS to 11 people within 24 hours. But what more you want me to do? And more importantly why you are telling me all this only when I am happy and jolly? Your only aim is to make me feel guilty is it? How can you expect one person be concerned about so many things in the world?

See, just now everybody got angry about corruption and did protest march and all. I also got angry. Just watching all that itself made me tired. Then some nuclear based protest happened and I again got angry. Then some demand for separate sta..arey! How many times to get angry yaar? Give some rest, no? Sometimes I must also be happy and take a break na? Absolutely no concern about the world, you are accusing. Even if I care, for that also you will say, ‘Oho, suddenly you are an expert in this topic, is it? Where were you all these days?’ Boss, first you decide what you want to accuse me of.

Yes, the world is full of problems only. Something is happening somewhere and you want us to do something about it means what to do? Who will look after our families? We are also middle-class people only no?

For that only we have elected and put certain people in certain places to do certain things. If they are not doing their jobs, and you want us to take action against them because they are not taking any action against the atrocity means who will do my job here? Whether you will come and do? What logic is this?

Ok, agreed. I am not buying products that are using child labour. I am not encouraging cruelty to animals. I am not spoiling the environment. I am not cheating. I am not stealing. I am putting vote in all the elections. I am paying my taxes regularly. Still what more you want me to do?

We are also having so many problems in life, ok? Severe water shortage in our apartment. Everyday we have to wake up early to store water. And then they are plucking away electricity every day, hiding it somewhere and giving it back just before we die, so that they can play this game with us for one more day. Back problem is coming because of terrible roads. Elevator is not working properly. Cafeteria food is so horrible.

Now you tell me who is protesting on my behalf for all this? Head is going to explode only.

The ones that made us

See the thing is, I don’t know where to start. Where it started with YOU I am able to remember and all. But then, what to say, how to say, that is a little difficult. It has been so many years no…

And yet, after so many years, I am not able to forget you. You know why? Because of the things you have done to me!

Boss what is the problem if I went running down the corridor, shouting at the top of my voice? Immediately you will stop and pull my hair and scold. And while pulling my hair only you will realise ki I have not had my haircut on time and scold me for that also. Because of you, even today I am getting restless if I don’t get a haircut on time!

What is your job and what you are doing? You want to teach means teach but why you are threatening me all the time? I am thinking ki they actually paid you to scare the hell out of me just by glaring at me. Especially with your glasses and all, your eyes looked even bigger! My god, how scary! And I am still thinking you are the reason I get scared even today whenever I see someone with wide-open eyes.

And you know something? It is now officially in my DNA to look around first before speaking out an unparliamentary word. I’m just making sure you are not around when I am saying the bad word. See what you have done to me!

Best is, for anything and everything you will threaten to call my parents and complain about me. And at home, you know what my parents will do? They will threaten to complain about me to you! Arey! What kind of game was this? And I was getting so much worried about who will complain what to whom!

All this despite the fact that I was so much impressed by you.

I liked the way you had command over English so much, that it often sent me stammering while talking to you because I didn’t want you to ridicule me in front of others. And I always thought you deliberately used cursive writing on the blackboard to mock at my useless handwriting.

You wowed me with your intelligence by giving answers to every question I asked. And I knew what kind of questions to ask you because certain kinds of questions and certain kinds of actions attracted violent physical reactions from you, that is a different story.

And oh, I even had a crush on you because I liked the way you dressed.

No no, I am not saying ki you are bad or that you made me feel bad and all. In fact, it is the opposite.

I may be an average person today, but you never made me feel average. Somehow, at least one of you had something nice to say about me. At least one of you said I was good. At least one of you stayed back every day after work for me because you felt responsible for my future.

But you see, after you left, a lot of people replaced you.

Unlike you, they didn’t scold me for fighting with others. They actually told me that everyone around me was my competitor and that I had to ‘fight the world’ to survive.  Maybe because you knew something that these guys didn’t know. Maybe you knew that the guy I was fighting with, was not my competitor but would actually become a friend for life.

They didn’t ask me to stop running around or even slow down, because they only said I had to run hard if I had to stay in the same place.

They stopped worrying about how much I absorbed. They were only interested in how much I could give. They said they had a job to do. But nobody said they had a responsibility.

At least once, I had wished I would become someone like you. But I did not. And you probably expected that to happen, because you knew me better than anyone else. But I also think you are expecting something else to happen.

You are probably sitting in your chair with your big eyes reading something, expecting me to come up meekly and say, Happy Teacher’s Day.

Can we end this?

You do one thing. First you grow up. Because, if you grow up means, automatically your son will grow up. And when your son is growing up, give him a pack of condoms. Now don’t give that confused look and all. Seriously, give him a pack of condoms. Along with that, give him a lot of free advice. Don’t think that he won’t take it. Give it anyway, he will eventually take it.

Tell your son to go out with the girls. Tell him to give them hugs and high-fives and ask them to go out on day trips and have fun. Tell him that it is not important to get married before having sex and that if he feels like it, ask him to use that condom you just gave him. Tell him that the Health and Glow shop anyway has lots of varieties of them near the cash counter itself and that he need not be embarrassed to go buy them if he has to. No one will notice.

Tell him that he can talk about sex in your presence. And that you will not feel embarrassed about it.

Tell your son that it is ok to watch pornography. Don’t ask him to watch it when you are around and all, that will be indecent, but still tell him that there is nothing wrong in watching two adults in action.

Tell your son to read erotic fiction and have some fun. In fact, if possible, you only give a copy of the Kamasutra to him. He won’t understand any of it anyway, but still give it to him. Or try Harold Robbins.

Ask him to log on to Chatrooms and have sex chat with a random girl on the other end. It could be a guy pretending to be a girl, but still that and all doesn’t matter. Ask him to have it nevertheless.

Ask him to do sexting with this girlfriend, but tell him to do it discreetly. Tell him it is ok to have phone sex with her and that even if you overhear something from his room, tell him that you will pretend you have not heard anything. Promise him you won’t embarrass him.

Tell him to fall in love with a woman (or a man). Tell him to go head-over-heels (or something like that) about her. Tell him to admire her beauty. Actually, tell him to admire the beauty of all women. Tell him that they are single most source of joy on the planet and that without them the world is nothing. Tell him to make love to a woman in a manner that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Tell him to relax and enjoy sex.

But before you do ANY of the above,

Tell him what they show on National Geographic Channel. Tell him that male animals don’t have sex without the permission of the female animal. Tell him that it is a shame to touch a woman without her permission. Tell him that it is a failure on your part and on the way you have brought him up. Tell him that it is a failure to his manhood.

Tell him that real life pornography requires her permission. Tell him that if a woman agrees, no amount of erotica can match a woman’s passion. But ask him to wait for the woman to agree first.

Tell him that a woman is a human being. Just like him. Not a piece of object. Tell him that while it is ok to admire her beauty, grabbing her body parts without her permission is worse than stealing food from rabies-ridden street dog. Tell him that just because he possesses a penis, it does not give him the right to mate with every vagina in the vicinity automatically.

Tell him that even broken hearts can be mended but he cannot break a woman’s dignity at any cost.

Tell him that raping is a Sin for which Man will have to pay a heavy price. A very heavy price.

Good looks. And then?

Boss what is this obsession with looking good all the time? Every minute of the day you want to look good is it? Not possible. No no, not just the ladies ok? I am talking about the gentlemen too. Always you want to look good means how is it possible? Whether you are working in beauty parlour?

Earlier they used to call it beauty parlour and all the ladies used to go to do something with threads or something. At that time, all the men happily used to sit and read some magazines, I mean see some pictures of…ladies, I mean girls. But these beauty parlour fellows have totally messed up everything. They saw ki men are wasting time and so they said, ‘Arey, we will cut hair for men too, come come!’

So women are getting haircut and next seat men are also getting haircut. Women are looking at themselves in the mirror seriously and men are also looking at them secretly through the mirror. Best part is the women know everything that is happening and still they act as if they have not seen the men seeing them. What boss? Why such acting?

Hair looks so boring, it seems. If it is boring, why you are looking at it? Go watch some TV or play video games. Anyway you are going to put your hairband in your wrist only. For that why so much trouble?

Ok leave that. We used to happily go to ‘Malabar Saloon’ and get haircut and all. Now, suddenly all the saloon fellows have become salon fellows. Best is, they dropped one ‘O’ from saloon and added two ‘0’s to the price! Suddenly, ten rupees hair cut is thousand rupees. Arey! At least put some radio no, some decent music or general knowledge will come. Instead they are playing party music. What?! Boss, hair is getting cut yaar, how to shake the leg to the music? Whether you will face the consequence of ugly haircut? Maybe you will face, but I won’t.

On top of all this, they are selling hair cream to give ‘that Just-out-of-bed’ look it seems. Arey! If I want to get that look, I will simply get out of bed and go straight, no?

Indecent fellow will cut the hair and should simply leave no? He won’t. Very cleverly he will look at your face and say ‘Sir your skin is too rough and ugly patches are coming. You want to remove them?’ And we are thinking ki, ‘Boss, if one guy itself calling me ugly means what will the girls think?’ Men are feeling like this means, imagine how women will feel when asked like this? Ok, no need to imagine.

And he also wants to cut my nails it seems. No thank you. I have Made in Korea nail-cutter at home.

And the trouble taken in the gym. Uff. No need to mention at all. I think the gym fellows are our creditors in the previous birth. Otherwise why we will simply give money and forget about it? Especially because anyhow you are visiting Frankie’s every alternate day. What is the point? And yes, six-pack is useless. Women will look and drool and all but ultimately fall for the ‘chubby cute’ guy with nice paunch, because he looks ‘normal’. Why bother anyway?

You put fairness cream wherever you want to, but result will be the same. Somebody is always fairer than you, so again, don’t bother. There are six billion people in this planet. Who are you trying to impress?

Boss, you do whatever you want to look good. Nothing wrong. Your money, you spend. If nothing is working you can at least download some nice filters on Adobe Light Room and impress others. Anyhow you are already using Instagram.

But see, just looking good is not at all important no? Ordinary looking people cannot live in this planet is it? Who said?

However ‘beautiful’ you are, if you are walking around with a frown means what is the point? People will throw mustard at your face and it will explode only.

I don’t understand why we are trying so hard when there is an easy way to become the most beautiful person in the planet. Put one simple honest smile. That’s all.

Look where it matters, no?

Boss, you are looking in the wrong place. Then you are simply coming and complaining this city is useless, this city is not having this, this city is not having that and all. See every city has its problems ok?

If you go to a new city means immediately you start complaining. Agreed boss, it is not like your city and is full of shit. Cow shit, goat shits, human shit and lots of crow shit. Everywhere you go it smells of bathroom. The river looks like bathroom itself. But why you are looking at the appearance only I don’t understand?

Right boss, agreed. The transport system is ridiculous. No one can travel without looking like Albert Einstein.  Just like him, everybody’s doing mental calculations only. Of their EMIs. What they will do? Poor fellows.

See, like any gift, a city is also nicely wrapped in multiple layers ok?

You are looking at the wrapping paper and passing comments means not acceptable. Some people buy expensive wrapping paper and tie colourful ribbon and all but inside will be one useless gift item like alarm timepiece. Boss who even uses timepiece these days?

First of all you don’t understand the concept of time itself properly. You want to roam around the streets in the night means, ok, your wish, democratic country, you do whatever you want. But simply you are coming and asking, ‘Where is the night life, where is the night life?’ means go to hell. Arey, others have to sleep no? Always complaining ‘The city shuts down so early, all shops are closed so early’ and this and that. Shopkeepers don’t have family or what? They are also humans no? For you they will have to keep the shop open all through the night is it?

Best is you will go ‘Uff, this city is so hot!’. As if we requested the sun to burn us. Boss, what to do? Geography. That’s all.

And the complaining against the food. No, don’t even get me started.

Boss issue is very simple. That is why I am saying you are looking in the wrong places. All your clubs and pubs and bars and other alcohol related problems are genuine only, agreed. Decent places to hang out is also not there, that also agreed. But these things do not make a city no?

What truly makes a city is its people, right?

Before you say stupid things about the city, ask yourself some of these questions

Are the people always watching your back? (Pun intended, unfortunate, ignorable)

The neighbour aunty is nosy, agreed. She will ask you where you are going but she is also asking whether you had dinner and if you say no means she will happily offer to give whatever she cooked, right?

You can comfortably give your house keys to her and go out (and no she will not open your house when you are gone) and she will even collect your milk packets and keep it in her fridge for you, no?

If you visit somebody’s house means they insist you eat and go no? Will they let you go without making you eat at least one biscuit?

Some neighbour kid from some apartment in the building will come and give you a chocolate and say it is his birthday, right? You don’t even know who it is but you still take it and wish him no?

Whether families are waking up early, cooking, dropping the kids in the school and then driving god-knows-how-far to work? Are they taking their kids to the beach and parks to play on the weekends?

If two people are fighting in the street like mad dogs means there are still some good souls that are interfering and doing the match referee work no?

Grandparents and grandchildren are still living in the same house right?

If you are leaving the city means people are feeling sad and they are wishing you will come back again no?

If you say yes to any of these means then what is your problem boss?

Relax. You are living in a special city. A city full of ordinary people.

The television is not a family thing

Have you tried watching TV with your parents? Don’t. If you still want to do so means, all the best.

First of all it is the most confusing and frustrating experience you will have in your life. You will be watching some movie for a long time. Nobody will be around. But I don’t know from where they will come, but the moment two people are kissing on screen, the parents will appear from somewhere and stand behind you.

I am thinking the kissing will be at romantic level and will go away in one second or so. But at that time only those two will passionately roll on the floor and just not stop it. Oh god, terribly embarrassing it will be. And on top of that the parents will ask ki, ‘What movie you are watching?’ As if it is very important now. Boss, I myself am upset right now.

While we were kids only they prevented us from seeing all the adult stuff. Next day in school, this guy will come and tell ki how his parents were out of town and how he watched Basic Instinct full movie on Star Movies and all. But when our parents go out of town, all the useless movies they will put. Ok fine, then we were kids and were not ‘supposed’ to see them. Ok.

But now? Now we are fully grown proper adults and still they are preventing? Actually, they are not preventing us and all. They are only just standing near you and watching along with you. How to watch, you tell? Now, don’t give lecture ki, if you want adult stuff means you can see it on internet like teenagers. That and all we know. I am asking about proper adult content that can be shown on TV.

Now some ‘open-minded’ fellow will be thinking ki, what is there? Why to feel so embarrassed and all? Arey, what to do? You will understand only if your parents also had changed the channels when Carefree advertisement came on air. Or the Nirodh ads. For a long time, I didn’t know itself ki what Nirodh was. Because by the time the guy in the ad said ‘condom’, the parents would have changed the channel. I thought it was ‘Nirodh tonic’ or something.

For people like us, this self-censoring is so much in the DNA ki nowadays even when there is no one around and there is a saucy scene on TV, automatically you feel like changing the channel!

If you feel brave and bold and strong and resisting the urge to change channel means, the channel guy is putting all the censors in place. Even Titanic they are censoring yaar! That epic scene? Gone! Boss, what is the point if that scene is not shown? No, seriously! Do you realize how upset Kate Winselet will be if she comes to know of this? And best is, even subtitles they are changing! Like they are changing ‘shit’ to ‘crap’. Somebody tell me how this is even logical.

Children should not watch adult stuff means understandable. But adult stuff itself should not be there or what? That too only when we are adults now! Hell, we can even be parents soon. If I ask this means you will say ki ‘Chee, this fellow is so cheap and desperate’. But before everyone you will only go to the internet secretly and stream amateur videos.

Despite all this mega censoring, we are still not able to watch the TV in the presence of parents. Ok. Fine. We don’t want to be embarrassed in front of parents by watching movies. You switch on news channel means there only Poonam Pandey is standing there in bikini flashing her..teeth at you. On Prime Time National Television. Arey! What the hell do they want us to do man?

You throw the remote in frustration means immediately the parents are grabbing the remote and putting on some devotional channel. Oh god.

Boss how many hours in the day will they show devotional stuff on TV yaar? Devotional stuff also I can understand. Chalo, peace of mind for parents. Ok, accepted. One fellow is doing yoga 24 hours on TV! Mad or what?

Thinking about all this itself is such a traumatic experience. You still want to switch on that TV when your parents are around?

Blame it on the British

See, we were all very happy and nice people only. Basically, we were killing each other but nobody was bothered anyway. Then suddenly the British fellows landed and saw ki, arey, these barbarians are killing each other. We must stop them. We must only kill them.

So thinking like this, they happily parked their ships and came inside. Our people thought ki they were selling Fair and Lovely cream and said ‘Please come please come’. Suddenly those fellows are showing their guns! Arey! Then we put one compromise and said ‘Ok ok, don’t shoot, now take that land and put factory there.’

Then they did lot of nonsense things to India (that and all is not important now). They suddenly realised ki they can make more money out of BBC documentaries about India than actually staying here. So these fellows left and immediately told the BBC only one word. BBC used this word and made unimaginable incomes for Her Majesty. That word was ‘Malaria’.

Arey British fellows, when you leave you can leave simply no? You idiots left behind some stupid practices that are torturing us day in and day out.

Then what man? For centuries we are comfortably looking at the Sun and doing our jobs. Suddenly you came here and told ki, ‘From today, 1 day = 24 hours = 1440 minutes = 86400 seconds. Ok?’

We didn’t want to be rude and as always, we shook our head and said ‘Oh that aa, that we already know’ and then went away. And then forgot about it. How can we remember such stupid division of time? Why else you think the whole world is complaining ki ‘Indians are never on time, Indians are never on time’.

Boss, for centuries, we are living a normal life and we are respecting the power and awe and beauty of Time. Suddenly you want to take all of Time and compress it inside your watch means how it will work? For us it always between two events in time. Between sunrise and noon. Between noon and sunset.

In your country people are unemployed means you are sitting and putting 60 lines inside the dial. And then to make use of it, you will come and say ‘Let us meet at exactly 5.43 this evening’ means we should obey is it? Not possible. We have thousand and one tasks on hand. We can’t change our biological clock for you and all.

One small island sitting in some nonsense part of the world and commanding everybody else ki, ‘We are the standard timekeepers called GMT. Your time will be plus or minus our time. Ok?’. That and all we can’t listen. We cannot run to your tick-tocks. We have our own concept of time. And we will do things slowly only.

If I am not able to do anything, my children will fulfil it for me. That’s all! Anyhow half the children in this country are saying they are fulfilling their parents’ wishes. Arey what is the hurry, boss? Why you want to finish everything in this birth itself?

If we are not able to complete anything this birth means, we will do it the next birth! That’s all! Anyway so many births are there.

What you are going to achieve running against the time? However early you leave the stupid traffic is the same only. That again you British fellows’ fault only.

We were happily moving about in the roads. Suddenly you are putting the lanes and traffic lights and asking us to obey means who will obey? That is why, even if there is red signal we are still happily roaming around in the road as if nothing happened. And then you will say ‘Indians have no road sense at all!’

Boss, you don’t tell us ok? We had roads before you itself. But we had bullock carts and those animals are color blind. You put coloured traffic lights in front of them means how they will obey the lights yaar? So we were like, ‘Screw it. Let the lights be there for formality. Come let us go. Hai drrrr….’

And we are doing totally fine! For that also your BBC fellows will say ‘There is a method to the madness in this country’. Some nonsense you are talking. Anyway.

The bottom line is you came here and screwed us all. See what you did to our education? Some nonsense concept you introduced and all the beautiful artistic people like jeweller, carpenter, singer, dancer, weaver, farmer all want their children to study engineering. Arey!

Like this only you screwed our economy, resources and destroyed and looted everything that came in your way and went off. See where we are right now? All because of you British fellows only.

But what our forefather fellows were doing all this while only I never understood?