The Local Tea Party

All you publicly married and secretly register-marriaged people, leave the single guys alone man. Arey one single guy how many people will make fun yaar?

Have you ever been single in your life? Life is hell only. Especially when that single guy is having married friends or friends in relationships, that’s all. His life is finished. The things that person has to go through, oh god! He is single because he wants to enjoy life for a few more days ok? But now only the entire world will take revenge on him. And I am not talking about single people with girl friend or boy friend. (That is another torture story.)

I am talking about normal single people who like to live life with themselves and not with their cell-phones. Occasional flirting is allowed ok? But the torture story is a national conspiracy only.

It all starts with Indian Railways man. None of you guys are allowing that poor single fellow to sleep in the lower berth. Not even one time!

“Excuse me, ladies is there, can you please move to the upper berth? Thank you”, “Excuse me, you are alone? My father is heart patient, can you please sleep in his upper berth?” you are showing all your teeth and asking. And you know what is the best thing? If that fellow says no means, because it is his berth and he has every right to say no, all you other morons are immediately jumping and talking as if one crime has been committed.

Arey! What nonsense man! Bloody railways, in the history of billion train journeys in India, not even one single time you are putting a single guy and a single girl in the same compartment! Never. How much ever you go through that passenger list outside the train, no chance. No way. All above 40 years only. I don’t know how Railways is doing it man. I think there is some special software for that.

People go to movies to watch and enjoy quietly ok? Some single people like it like that. There only you will come with your whole extended family and sit in the same row. And bloody you will keep moving in and out to buy popcorn and puff and don’t let the single person watch in peace. Movie interval means compulsorily you have to eat is it? In between important scene only your wife will sssshhhh your baby. Boss, when you’re coming to movies leave the brat babies at home yaar! See baby only is cute. Baby poop is not cute even to you ok?

Best is what you know? You folks will call your single friends for shopping. Uff, there is nothing like that hell man. You will see one shirt, immediately you will call your spouse (or someone like that) and describe it over phone. And then that person will ask the price. You will tell. Then they will say it is too costly. Then you will start bargaining with them and try to convince them. Boss, then why the hell did you bring the single guy to shopping with you yaar?

Ever tried going to a restaurant alone and eat? That idiot manager will not even care to look at you if you are alone. All the other customers will come like one army and the manager will run behind them only. Table after table will become empty but people who are coming after you will get seats and you will be standing like a waiter.

Even if you go with married friends, the scene they put, oh. They will drink the same tomato soup (one by two), share their dishes, feed each other, drink the same milk-shake. That idiot will also sip your drink and generously offer to his partner “Mmm. It’s nice. Try it.” As if it’s his drink! Boss! That I should give.

In the pubs and bars, I don’t even have to say it. Single? Then you have to pay so much cover charges that everyone in the country can drink for free in your money. Over drinks, single people want to check out other attractive people in the room ok? That time only you will come and discuss problems about your in-laws and all. Why don’t you understand ki nobody, NOBODY wants to hear about your fights with your in-laws yaar? Not while at the bar.

I think you are taking revenge on the single people because they are the only happy people and you are jealous of that. Mentals.

“See, we are all middle class people. Education only is your property. We do not have much money and all. Study properly and get into a good job. Father and I both wanted good education. We only didn’t get, at least we want you to study well and shine.”

If mother is doing blackmail like this means, what else I can do? See I know ki I also have dreams. Yes boss, I want to play cricket for India, it is a big dream for me. But think practically. Life is not a game ok? I have to have good “education” first.

So I took science group. Arey how can I go and tell ki, “No no, I want to take commerce group”? I am not from Delhi man! Then mother is pointing to that stupid good-for-nothing secretly-adult-movie-watching cousin and saying, “He is also in the same class, no? Then how come he always scores more than you?”

That he himself does not know. I am also studying so hard to score “centum” in board exam. One two-mark question I made a mistake that too it was not from the textbook. What I can do for that?

See boss, I told you before, I want to play cricket for India. I also want to play guitar like mad. I want to write books. I want to take photography. Arey I thought ki, I can do all this once I join engineering college. I can be professionally qualified and side-by-side I can do what I always wanted to do. I thought ki, once I start playing well in the college team, slowly I can make it to the national team. Once I join the college, I will have all the time in the world to play.

Best is the engineering college. They didn’t have any cricket team itself! How the hell was I supposed to know that? They only told ki they have 100-acre campus with excellent facilities and 100% placement record and all. Now they are asking us to do Paper Presentation all the time! For 3 years I didn’t understand itself what that means. Industrial visits, unit tests, pre-model, model exams are there and life is very busy in engineering college.

Everybody is running like a mad dog. We are all middle-class people only. My parents have taken so much loan for the studies. “In front of relatives, you have to come up in life and show them”, mother is always saying. So I decided ki life is definitely not a game. Passion and all ok, but I also have to run. Once I finish professional course, I can do what I want, nobody can question me then na?

Boss, in today’s world anybody can become engineer ok? How can I stop with only one degree yaar? See let me be very honest. I am very patriotic. I don’t want to go to US and all. So I am doing MBA here itself. What is there? Everybody is saying ki MBA with science background is a very very rare combination. If I have such strong degrees as backup, I can boldly try out new things. I can even start playing guitar after finishing B-School. I will be able to apply my management skills and even find an good investor for my albums no?

What you are saying? Campus recruitment is going on. Everybody is attending it! How can I not attend these interviews man? Starting salary itself is in six-digits! This is a golden opportunity for people like us in the middle-class to come out of the rat-race! Once I earn for two years, I would have closed all my loans and I can write or sing or dance or do whatever I like. It is my life and who will stop me then?

Boss, what I told before and all forget. Now home loan is also there (it provides solid tax benefits man!), if I say I want to quit job means my mother will go mad, especially when I am about to get married. This is the time to earn ok? If I think of enjoying now and doing what I like means later on I only have to suffer in life. What to do? We are all middle class people. We have to be happy with what we have.

See I only am not able to do what I want. But all that I missed I will definitely make my child do it. It is a promise.