The Local Tea Party

Dear English Pundit,

As I am suffering from ‘horrible English’, I kindly request you to go to hell. You are really senseless or you are just acting like this? Don’t you know that English language is constantly changing and that, what you are speaking now will be a joke 50 years from now? Then why the hell are you keep on asking to speak proper English proper English? Whether English is your father’s language? Even if it is, it is not MY father’s language.

First of all define proper English. I can also speak Shakespeare English ok? Come on tell me, “What trade art thou?”. Answer me. You are laughing right? So, what they used 500 years back, you are laughing at it now, then you are saying “His English is horrible man!”. And when exactly did your ‘proper English’ originate? 18th century? 19th century? You have a calendar, I also have one. Not speaking ‘Traditional English’ it seems. Hello sir, “traditionally”, human beings never had a language for many millions of years. Only ‘ba bu bee’ sounds. You want to use that? No na?

Have you read English non-detail in school? If you went to school in India means you will understand what I am saying. If you went in abroad means, then go to hell urgently. First you stop using tissue paper and then I will talk to you. After so many difficulties we are learning the English. In our school they taught us ‘Zed’ and now if I say it loudly means you idiots are laughing and saying “Oh, you mean Zee!”. Mentals.

See already the MS Word is screwing everybody in India by putting the red lines below all spellings. Our school only taught this spelling. Now suddenly Bill Gates and Co are saying the spelling is all wrong. We are scratching our heads and thinking ki what we did wrong and why that red line is coming. On top of that you are also saying the English is bad.

In ‘proper’ English, gay means happy. Whether you are aware of it? I am saying “I am very gay today” and you are rolling and laughing at me, pointing fingers? Have you lost your mind?

‘My’ is also two letters. ‘Ma’ is also two letters. Then why you are saying ‘Ma dog poo-pooed in ma pillow today’? Style eh? You are accepting this but you will not accept my English. You will shout at my English and then suddenly they will add Indian words into the Oxford dictionary and then you will also start using it, right?

If I use complicated words means I have good English, is it? I also know how to make complex sentences ok? All I have to do is to right-click and choose a synonym for every word and then you will be flabbergasted at the harmonised synchronisation of my meta-physical and above-optimal usage of this language that oscillates a tad between its Anglo-Saxonic origin and the Post-Renaissance more Modernistic approach. Then you will also frame my picture and worship me for my English.

Idiot fellow, English is only a language to communicate your thoughts. It takes only 6 weeks to learn any language. Ask Rapidex or Veta. So stop putting scene and start respecting other people. There is nothing superior in speaking ‘better’ English. If I leave you in Siberian desert for one week, what will you bother about? Food or proper sentence formation? Why go to Siberia, even if I leave you in France itself, that’s all. You are finished. You will pronounce ‘R’ in one way and nobody will understand what you are saying.

At that time you will think of me. Don’t worry. I am not like you. I will come to your rescue then.

OK?

Yours Truly

Can’t you sit simply and keep your hands and legs idle? What is your objective in life? To make others jealous? Then why you are simply keep on changing your profile picture? What is the reason? Come on tell me. I want to know the answer.

Agreed boss, you have gone abroad.Your 26th relative uncle is also proud of you. We are also happy only. That is why we even came to airport to say bye and all. But why you are killing us with your pictures?

Ok, I agree ki I have seen that place only in map and you have seen in real life. That’s all no? Every alternate day you are putting one new picture. What you want? You want all of us to press the ‘like’ and say “Wooowwwwww”, is it? Secretly you are monitoring the comments every minute, but like one lord, you will reply only after 4 days saying “Thanks guys!”.

See, that is also acceptable. You have spent so much money and gone there and so you want everybody to appreciate you. Understood. But why you are putting plants and trees and CATS (?!?!) as profile pictures? You have any common sense? Crazy man!

There is one more category. You will put the picture of your baby instead of your picture. I don’t even want to talk about those people.

Best is the ladies. If you convert your picture to black and white means, you suddenly will become good looking is it? People will look at you and think “Wow. Nice!” and send you friend request and all. I only know how you look.

As it is you were doing nothing here. You got married and you went there and again doing nothing only. What is there to be proud of? Every day, evvreee day you are updating on what you are cooking. “Today I made curd rice for my darrrlinggg hubby”.

Really? And that idiot husband will ‘like’ it and publicly kiss you. “Thank you wifey, mmuuaaahh”.

You are from India only no? Don’t you know such things are indecent and doing this in public place is not allowed? If you go out of India means immediately you are forgetting everything.

And then you are putting the pictures of your food. “Yummy!” you will put as title. Who knows how it tasted? Heights is, when some other idiot in some other country asks you for the recipe. Arey goose, you are using internet. Just Google and find out.

Now you tell me, when you were in India, have you cooked like this for ONE day? Your brother is also a gentleman only. Have you cooked like this for him? Hello husband, I am asking you also. When you were here, have you said “Mmmuahh” to your mother because you liked her food?

Of all the monkey pranks that you are playing from “abroad”, worst is when both you and your spouse act like you are always happy 24 hours and 365 days. “Had the best dinner ever at King Cole’s Oriental Palace at the 35th and 16th. Awesome Thai food!”

Just some Thai food only no? Why you need so much scene for that? India is closer to Thailand only.

Boss, in case you didn’t know already, here is the truth. Nobody is happy. How much ever money you earn, you will not be happy. You will only sit on the WC tapping your fingers and think, “Why I came here?”

If I say this truth, immediately you will flash your i-Products at me. For your kind information, iPad2 is also available here, that you know? So shut up and listen to me. Stop making fool of yourself.

Now you are thinking ki I am jealous and so only I am talking like this, no? See, till I also go somewhere and do all such things, I will talk like this only. What you can do?