So I did not give them permission and all. Suddenly they are knocking my door and before I could open it, they all are coming inside complete with all their army and equipments. They build one circle around me and told me ki this was a panel discussion. I asked them where the panel is. One polite fellow with a grey beard tells, “You are the panel. We are here to talk to you.”
Then they all said their names and started off.
Rannoy Poy (in a calm, soft voice): Localparty, people have been accusing you of degrading the wonderful language called English. And we thought it is only right that we give you an opportunity to explain yourselves. My media colleagues have been gracious enough to allow me to…
Ranab Sogwami: …Mr. Localparty….yes…Mr. Localparty, why did you have to do such a thing to this great nation? Why? Who will answer the billion Indians who are demanding an explanation? One minute…yes, Mr. Localparty.
Me: Boss, I have absolutely no clue about what you are asking ! First of all, you tell me, why you are leaning on the table facing sideways and looking outside the TV? I am seeing six faces on the screen, which face is yours?
Darkha Butt: Isn’t this the bane of the system? In a sense, this whole angst of losing face is so misplaced against this corrupt mechanism that we tend to lose focus of the actual problem that is staring right into our faces threatening us…if the cameraman can pan towards me…yes..thank you…no towards me…yes…threatening to condemn us into poverty pushing us beyond the edge of clear.logical.thinking.? What could be the reason?
Me: Can you repeat your question please? I am getting distracted with your waving hands.You are holding a pen in one hand and waving so much, I am scared ink will fall on my shirt.
Jardeep Rasdesai: E-E-E-E-Is it because you had a bad childhood, localparty, is it because people have a bad childhood that they actually resolve to writing like this? E-E-E-E-In a sense they like to vent their anger by writing like this? On the one hand, you have the-the-the-the…the writing gurus who take offense with anything outside the Oxford dictionary and on the other, you have random people like you who claim credit to…literature.
Me: Wait. First, please pass me a tissue, I want to wipe my face. Next, please say “spit” otherwise you will get mouth ulcer and all. Third, do you know you are saying two completely random things? The second one is not even a question. What should I say?
Jardeep Rasdesai: I was saying is commercial interest becoming more important than actual content? Is advertisement dictating all the content?
Jardeep Rasdesai: Be-Be-Be-Be-Before you answer that question, let me into slip into a short commercial break. When we come back, we will hear all about this latest sensation called localparty.
Darkha Butt: Welcome back. Is this a new trend we are seeing in this country today? The sort of, easy way out for young people to escape from reality? To tell us more about it, we are talking to Localparty. Yes, please go ahead.
Me: Oh god, what should I say to keep the camera focused on me?
Ranab Sogwami: What should I say? Why? Why indeed? Why are you saying what should I say? You are answerable to this country. Mr. Localparty….Mr. Localparty…..Mr. Localparty….yes. Mr.Localparty, this country has a right to know!
Me: I am going to go crazy but I am going to say something to shut your mouth. Because it is my choice.
Ranab Sogwami: Why? Why indeed? Should a billion Indians be resigned to the whims and fancies of a single person? Why? Why indeed? Why?
Gasarika Hose: It eeeeez my chaaaaice, says localparty ashefacesthenationtonightonourshow. What do you, the viewer, think about all this? Let’s see what the country has to say…….98 percentofyouthinkwearethebestonair right. now. That’s 98 percent of the country. So localparty, are you happy?
Me: Oh, your lipstick is a little smudged. To the right. No, My right. Yes. A little left. Yes. Oh, your hair….Now it’s fine.
Gasarika Hose: Are you happy now?
Me: Are you going to end this show?
Gasarika Hose: Yayyyyssssss (Yes)
Me: Then I am very happy.
Rannoy Poy (very softly): Please keep up the good work. I wish you many many many. MANY. more interviews like this.
Me: For this, you could have stayed back in your studio itself and recorded yourself. In the English language, one word is there. Narcissism. Perfect for you all.
Jardeep Rasdesai: Is this typical of us? Do we always ask questions and never let the panel member answer? Does Indian journalism need a hard rethinking? Is this a wake-up call for us?
Me: Man, you are going to get solidly from me.
I watched all you guys only when I grew up. Even though deep inside I like all you guys (except that fellow who looks out of the TV all the time, I HATE him to the core) every night I want to say bad words to you. It is all your fault only.