10 things you should not do with a woman
(Ladies, this is advice for men. If you are still reading this means don’t come shouting at me. I am not responsible.) 10. Do not argue or try arguing with the ladies. Especially if they happen to be your mother. (Equally applicable to others.) Even if you are winning, you will walk away feeling you have lost. 9. Do not think you can overtake or even try to overtake some ladies in traffic....
Circus elephant and the naked chameleon
Boss something is wrong with this world. I am sitting here trying to change the world but so many distractions are happening and I am not able to change even a ten rupee note into coins. Some problems yaar. I don’t know how to explain only. Because I myself don’t know what the problem is! See I am following all the rules in the traffic. OK not all. This red signal-orange signal is a...
What is this conspiracy?
How things have come to this level is a great mystery. Even greater mystery is how nobody is objecting to it! Boss, attracting the females is the one and only full time aim of the gentlemen in this world is it?! Who said? Bring that fellow here. Not everything that men want to buy is to attract the ladies! What a ridiculous false propaganda this is! I am serious man, take a look at the...
A few last words
20.12.2012 In case the world is ending tomorrow, I want to leave some tips and tricks for the future humans, so that they are not repeating the same mistakes and bringing the same fate to themselves. (At least let them live happily forever, no?) TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN If you are reading this means, congratulations on inhabiting the earth once again. We humans rock. (To hell with...
Love thy objects
It’s ok, boss. Don’t act too smart and call me superstitious. Everybody is attached to things ok? No no, not like attached to limbs and all. That everybody is. I mean the objects. Simply don’t keep on seeing rationale in everything. Not every object becomes close to you just like, right? Only some objects give you the privilege of being in love with them. And only some of...
Keep the change but you won't find it
This is beginning to get funny. On one hand, from the childhood, they are saying ki change is coming change is coming, you must be geared to face the change etc etc. On the other hand, there are these worst fellows who are saying ki ‘Oh tradition is getting spoilt. We must not let things change! etc etc’. Relax boss, both of you. Let me tell you something. From the childhood till...
So much to be concerned about
Full confusion only. One minute everything is happy and the next minute the world looks like it is going to end. I think I want to pull my hair. See, India beat Pakistan. Everybody (I mean some people in India, maybe some in Pakistan also) is celebrating. Then immediately they are showing some protest rally where some people are demanding a separate state and all. See now you tell whether to...
The ones that made us
See the thing is, I don’t know where to start. Where it started with YOU I am able to remember and all. But then, what to say, how to say, that is a little difficult. It has been so many years no… And yet, after so many years, I am not able to forget you. You know why? Because of the things you have done to me! Boss what is the problem if I went running down the corridor, shouting...
Can we end this?
You do one thing. First you grow up. Because, if you grow up means, automatically your son will grow up. And when your son is growing up, give him a pack of condoms. Now don’t give that confused look and all. Seriously, give him a pack of condoms. Along with that, give him a lot of free advice. Don’t think that he won’t take it. Give it anyway, he will eventually take it. Tell your...
Good looks. And then?
Boss what is this obsession with looking good all the time? Every minute of the day you want to look good is it? Not possible. No no, not just the ladies ok? I am talking about the gentlemen too. Always you want to look good means how is it possible? Whether you are working in beauty parlour? Earlier they used to call it beauty parlour and all the ladies used to go to do something with threads or...
Look where it matters, no?
Boss, you are looking in the wrong place. Then you are simply coming and complaining this city is useless, this city is not having this, this city is not having that and all. See every city has its problems ok? If you go to a new city means immediately you start complaining. Agreed boss, it is not like your city and is full of shit. Cow shit, goat shits, human shit and lots of crow shit....
The television is not a family thing
Have you tried watching TV with your parents? Don’t. If you still want to do so means, all the best. First of all it is the most confusing and frustrating experience you will have in your life. You will be watching some movie for a long time. Nobody will be around. But I don’t know from where they will come, but the moment two people are kissing on screen, the parents will appear from...
Blame it on the British
See, we were all very happy and nice people only. Basically, we were killing each other but nobody was bothered anyway. Then suddenly the British fellows landed and saw ki, arey, these barbarians are killing each other. We must stop them. We must only kill them. So thinking like this, they happily parked their ships and came inside. Our people thought ki they were selling Fair and Lovely cream and...
You should get married soon. Or else..
My best friend Guru was going to break the glass and jump out of the Cafe Coffee Day building. I almost let him do it. Why because I will also do the same. You also want to do the same thing I know. Then what man? Whenever and wherever you go, people are asking only one thing. When you are getting married, when you are getting married. Arey! Getting married is the sole purpose of having born in...
This New Year, watch cartoons.
(Inspiration - Mary Schmidt/Baz Luhrmann and Sidin Vadukut) Ladies and gentlemen of the world of 2012, watch cartoons. If I could offer you only one tip for this year means, cartoons would be it. The long term benefits and scientists’ proof and all you don’t worry about, just watch means watch. Whereas as the rest of my message for you this New Year has no basis more reliable than my...
This is not a problem at all
Boss, what 100 days 100 days? I don’t understand. We have seen so many centuries ok? We celebrate every time 100 is reached. So this time also we will celebrate. Agreed boss, Manipur has faced ONE HUNDRED days of economic blockade. So what? After all it is in some stupid corner of the country that sends only 2 MPs to Parliament. For that what you expect? That the entire government will run...
We deserve better. Please.
Everybody is affected by these fellows. Wherever you go these guys are there. Arey, if they are at least good you can look at them, but you can easily count the number of good ones using one finger itself. These bad advertisements when I see them no, I simply want to kill the guy who created it. Boss either you be like Doordarshan ads. Say something and go away. At least don’t put scene. Or...
Eat junk food
Boss, how long you are going to live? In such a short time, why you want to restrict yourself and not eat any of the awesome junk food? First of all you tell me who is that idiot who named it junk food? You know what junk means right? So you are saying that everything they put in that dish has been collected from the dustbin or what? Arey the ‘junk food’ consists of the same items you...
Everybody is busy ok?
Excuse me busy fellow, but why you want to put so much scene? Whenever your friends suggest to do something fun, then only you will have all sorts of work in this world. ‘Oh no, there is so much to do. I have to read, send a report, email this, print that, go to hell and come back by tomorrow morning..’ . Some nonsense reason you will give. One time two times is ok, always some stupid...
What is there in history?
Maths. Physics. Chemistry. Biology. Computer Science, especially BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN and all the other nonsense you studied. Are you using any of these subjects in your real life? No na? You tell me one time, just one time where you have used trigonometry after the board exam? Arey, in the school only the teacher was killing us. Now you also started. If you are not using any other subject from...
How big is your house?
What sort of a neighbour are you? You only. On one hand you are talking freedom of expression, right to do this and that, but on the other hand you are not allowing the kids to play cricket with other kids in the apartment means what is this logic? Where the kids will go? In their playing area, you have put up parking lots with numbers. Then? The kids have to break glasses only. No choice. See...
Don't mess with the single people
All you publicly married and secretly register-marriaged people, leave the single guys alone man. Arey one single guy how many people will make fun yaar? Have you ever been single in your life? Life is hell only. Especially when that single guy is having married friends or friends in relationships, that’s all. His life is finished. The things that person has to go through, oh god! He is single...
Where is the finish line?
“See, we are all middle class people. Education only is your property. We do not have much money and all. Study properly and get into a good job. Father and I both wanted good education. We only didn’t get, at least we want you to study well and shine.” If mother is doing blackmail like this means, what else I can do? See I know ki I also have dreams. Yes boss, I want to play...
Are you a bloody honker?
honker (hôngk-er, hngk-er) n. (1) a person born without brains (2) a complete idiot (3) aliens’ revenge on mankind. Are you deaf? No seriously. Before you get on the vehicle, you leave your brains outside is it? What is the reason for your honking? You think that once you honk, all the vehicles in front of you will vanish is it? I don’t know from where you are getting that anger once...
Mind your language, not mine
Dear English Pundit, As I am suffering from ‘horrible English’, I kindly request you to go to hell. You are really senseless or you are just acting like this? Don’t you know that English language is constantly changing and that, what you are speaking now will be a joke 50 years from now? Then why the hell are you keep on asking to speak proper English proper English? Whether...
Stop making fool of yourself
Can’t you sit simply and keep your hands and legs idle? What is your objective in life? To make others jealous? Then why you are simply keep on changing your profile picture? What is the reason? Come on tell me. I want to know the answer. Agreed boss, you have gone abroad.Your 26th relative uncle is also proud of you. We are also happy only. That is why we even came to airport to say bye...
What is the point?
So I did not give them permission and all. Suddenly they are knocking my door and before I could open it, they all are coming inside complete with all their army and equipments. They build one circle around me and told me ki this was a panel discussion. I asked them where the panel is. One polite fellow with a grey beard tells, “You are the panel. We are here to talk to you.” Then they...
Thin guy means you will make fun is it?
You are always treating the thin guy like a patient. You are thinking arey, he is thin only no, he won’t say anything. That is also fine. But one thing only is simply too much. You are looking at the thin person and boldly asking “Oh, why are you so thin?”. Will you say the same thing to a “healthy” person? Just one time you go and say “Why are you so fat?” to someone. Will you ask? No na?...
Leave the vegetarians alone I say
All you non-vegetarians and non-veg eating vegetarians, what you are doing is simply too much. Why you are joking about vegetarians? You want means you eat hen, cow, pig, goat and all. Why you are simply asking vegetarians “Why you are not eating the animals?” Arey, I know ki, if you eat the animals you will not die. But that is not the point. If you eat the animal, the animal is dying...
What is our problem?
This Gaddafi fellow is there no? He is a useless character. He is not going only. He is ruling for 42 years. People are telling him, “Arey baba, you have ruled for so long, now you go away”. He is telling no, why suddenly you want me to go? All because of that stupid people in Tunisia. See, they want to change their leader. They can change and be quiet na? They are spreading the...