The Local Tea Party

Boss, you are looking in the wrong place. Then you are simply coming and complaining this city is useless, this city is not having this, this city is not having that and all. See every city has its problems ok?

If you go to a new city means immediately you start complaining. Agreed boss, it is not like your city and is full of shit. Cow shit, goat shits, human shit and lots of crow shit. Everywhere you go it smells of bathroom. The river looks like bathroom itself. But why you are looking at the appearance only I don’t understand?

Right boss, agreed. The transport system is ridiculous. No one can travel without looking like Albert Einstein.  Just like him, everybody’s doing mental calculations only. Of their EMIs. What they will do? Poor fellows.

See, like any gift, a city is also nicely wrapped in multiple layers ok?

You are looking at the wrapping paper and passing comments means not acceptable. Some people buy expensive wrapping paper and tie colourful ribbon and all but inside will be one useless gift item like alarm timepiece. Boss who even uses timepiece these days?

First of all you don’t understand the concept of time itself properly. You want to roam around the streets in the night means, ok, your wish, democratic country, you do whatever you want. But simply you are coming and asking, ‘Where is the night life, where is the night life?’ means go to hell. Arey, others have to sleep no? Always complaining ‘The city shuts down so early, all shops are closed so early’ and this and that. Shopkeepers don’t have family or what? They are also humans no? For you they will have to keep the shop open all through the night is it?

Best is you will go ‘Uff, this city is so hot!’. As if we requested the sun to burn us. Boss, what to do? Geography. That’s all.

And the complaining against the food. No, don’t even get me started.

Boss issue is very simple. That is why I am saying you are looking in the wrong places. All your clubs and pubs and bars and other alcohol related problems are genuine only, agreed. Decent places to hang out is also not there, that also agreed. But these things do not make a city no?

What truly makes a city is its people, right?

Before you say stupid things about the city, ask yourself some of these questions

Are the people always watching your back? (Pun intended, unfortunate, ignorable)

The neighbour aunty is nosy, agreed. She will ask you where you are going but she is also asking whether you had dinner and if you say no means she will happily offer to give whatever she cooked, right?

You can comfortably give your house keys to her and go out (and no she will not open your house when you are gone) and she will even collect your milk packets and keep it in her fridge for you, no?

If you visit somebody’s house means they insist you eat and go no? Will they let you go without making you eat at least one biscuit?

Some neighbour kid from some apartment in the building will come and give you a chocolate and say it is his birthday, right? You don’t even know who it is but you still take it and wish him no?

Whether families are waking up early, cooking, dropping the kids in the school and then driving god-knows-how-far to work? Are they taking their kids to the beach and parks to play on the weekends?

If two people are fighting in the street like mad dogs means there are still some good souls that are interfering and doing the match referee work no?

Grandparents and grandchildren are still living in the same house right?

If you are leaving the city means people are feeling sad and they are wishing you will come back again no?

If you say yes to any of these means then what is your problem boss?

Relax. You are living in a special city. A city full of ordinary people.

Have you tried watching TV with your parents? Don’t. If you still want to do so means, all the best.

First of all it is the most confusing and frustrating experience you will have in your life. You will be watching some movie for a long time. Nobody will be around. But I don’t know from where they will come, but the moment two people are kissing on screen, the parents will appear from somewhere and stand behind you.

I am thinking the kissing will be at romantic level and will go away in one second or so. But at that time only those two will passionately roll on the floor and just not stop it. Oh god, terribly embarrassing it will be. And on top of that the parents will ask ki, ‘What movie you are watching?’ As if it is very important now. Boss, I myself am upset right now.

While we were kids only they prevented us from seeing all the adult stuff. Next day in school, this guy will come and tell ki how his parents were out of town and how he watched Basic Instinct full movie on Star Movies and all. But when our parents go out of town, all the useless movies they will put. Ok fine, then we were kids and were not ‘supposed’ to see them. Ok.

But now? Now we are fully grown proper adults and still they are preventing? Actually, they are not preventing us and all. They are only just standing near you and watching along with you. How to watch, you tell? Now, don’t give lecture ki, if you want adult stuff means you can see it on internet like teenagers. That and all we know. I am asking about proper adult content that can be shown on TV.

Now some ‘open-minded’ fellow will be thinking ki, what is there? Why to feel so embarrassed and all? Arey, what to do? You will understand only if your parents also had changed the channels when Carefree advertisement came on air. Or the Nirodh ads. For a long time, I didn’t know itself ki what Nirodh was. Because by the time the guy in the ad said ‘condom’, the parents would have changed the channel. I thought it was ‘Nirodh tonic’ or something.

For people like us, this self-censoring is so much in the DNA ki nowadays even when there is no one around and there is a saucy scene on TV, automatically you feel like changing the channel!

If you feel brave and bold and strong and resisting the urge to change channel means, the channel guy is putting all the censors in place. Even Titanic they are censoring yaar! That epic scene? Gone! Boss, what is the point if that scene is not shown? No, seriously! Do you realize how upset Kate Winselet will be if she comes to know of this? And best is, even subtitles they are changing! Like they are changing ‘shit’ to ‘crap’. Somebody tell me how this is even logical.

Children should not watch adult stuff means understandable. But adult stuff itself should not be there or what? That too only when we are adults now! Hell, we can even be parents soon. If I ask this means you will say ki ‘Chee, this fellow is so cheap and desperate’. But before everyone you will only go to the internet secretly and stream amateur videos.

Despite all this mega censoring, we are still not able to watch the TV in the presence of parents. Ok. Fine. We don’t want to be embarrassed in front of parents by watching movies. You switch on news channel means there only Poonam Pandey is standing there in bikini flashing her..teeth at you. On Prime Time National Television. Arey! What the hell do they want us to do man?

You throw the remote in frustration means immediately the parents are grabbing the remote and putting on some devotional channel. Oh god.

Boss how many hours in the day will they show devotional stuff on TV yaar? Devotional stuff also I can understand. Chalo, peace of mind for parents. Ok, accepted. One fellow is doing yoga 24 hours on TV! Mad or what?

Thinking about all this itself is such a traumatic experience. You still want to switch on that TV when your parents are around?

See, we were all very happy and nice people only. Basically, we were killing each other but nobody was bothered anyway. Then suddenly the British fellows landed and saw ki, arey, these barbarians are killing each other. We must stop them. We must only kill them.

So thinking like this, they happily parked their ships and came inside. Our people thought ki they were selling Fair and Lovely cream and said ‘Please come please come’. Suddenly those fellows are showing their guns! Arey! Then we put one compromise and said ‘Ok ok, don’t shoot, now take that land and put factory there.’

Then they did lot of nonsense things to India (that and all is not important now). They suddenly realised ki they can make more money out of BBC documentaries about India than actually staying here. So these fellows left and immediately told the BBC only one word. BBC used this word and made unimaginable incomes for Her Majesty. That word was ‘Malaria’.

Arey British fellows, when you leave you can leave simply no? You idiots left behind some stupid practices that are torturing us day in and day out.

Then what man? For centuries we are comfortably looking at the Sun and doing our jobs. Suddenly you came here and told ki, ‘From today, 1 day = 24 hours = 1440 minutes = 86400 seconds. Ok?’

We didn’t want to be rude and as always, we shook our head and said ‘Oh that aa, that we already know’ and then went away. And then forgot about it. How can we remember such stupid division of time? Why else you think the whole world is complaining ki ‘Indians are never on time, Indians are never on time’.

Boss, for centuries, we are living a normal life and we are respecting the power and awe and beauty of Time. Suddenly you want to take all of Time and compress it inside your watch means how it will work? For us it always between two events in time. Between sunrise and noon. Between noon and sunset.

In your country people are unemployed means you are sitting and putting 60 lines inside the dial. And then to make use of it, you will come and say ‘Let us meet at exactly 5.43 this evening’ means we should obey is it? Not possible. We have thousand and one tasks on hand. We can’t change our biological clock for you and all.

One small island sitting in some nonsense part of the world and commanding everybody else ki, ‘We are the standard timekeepers called GMT. Your time will be plus or minus our time. Ok?’. That and all we can’t listen. We cannot run to your tick-tocks. We have our own concept of time. And we will do things slowly only.

If I am not able to do anything, my children will fulfil it for me. That’s all! Anyhow half the children in this country are saying they are fulfilling their parents’ wishes. Arey what is the hurry, boss? Why you want to finish everything in this birth itself?

If we are not able to complete anything this birth means, we will do it the next birth! That’s all! Anyway so many births are there.

What you are going to achieve running against the time? However early you leave the stupid traffic is the same only. That again you British fellows’ fault only.

We were happily moving about in the roads. Suddenly you are putting the lanes and traffic lights and asking us to obey means who will obey? That is why, even if there is red signal we are still happily roaming around in the road as if nothing happened. And then you will say ‘Indians have no road sense at all!’

Boss, you don’t tell us ok? We had roads before you itself. But we had bullock carts and those animals are color blind. You put coloured traffic lights in front of them means how they will obey the lights yaar? So we were like, ‘Screw it. Let the lights be there for formality. Come let us go. Hai drrrr….’

And we are doing totally fine! For that also your BBC fellows will say ‘There is a method to the madness in this country’. Some nonsense you are talking. Anyway.

The bottom line is you came here and screwed us all. See what you did to our education? Some nonsense concept you introduced and all the beautiful artistic people like jeweller, carpenter, singer, dancer, weaver, farmer all want their children to study engineering. Arey!

Like this only you screwed our economy, resources and destroyed and looted everything that came in your way and went off. See where we are right now? All because of you British fellows only.

But what our forefather fellows were doing all this while only I never understood?

My best friend Guru was going to break the glass and jump out of the Cafe Coffee Day building. I almost let him do it.

Why because I will also do the same. You also want to do the same thing I know.

Then what man? Whenever and wherever you go, people are asking only one thing. When you are getting married, when you are getting married. Arey! Getting married is the sole purpose of having born in this planet, is it? And if we tell the age means, the reaction is even stupid. ‘Oh you are so old and you are not married yet? Why? Any problem you have?’ like that you are asking. You are reacting as if he is having some terminal illness like cancer or AIDS. Any problem YOU have? I want to ask.

Especially the parents people. They are giving so many warning sounds like ‘Every day you waste, your chance of getting married becomes less and less. You have to do certain things in certain age’. Arey, what is this?

You are talking as if we are some bananas that should be eaten at the right time! If we delay means our skin will turn black and peel off or something, like that you are speaking and scaring?

Especially the poor fellows working in other countries. If one fellow is coming from the abroad on holiday to India means there are only two reasons. First reason is ‘Property Registration’ in the suburban area and the second is a guided tour of visiting potential life partner.

My god, within 5 days you want to see 10 people and choose one and immediately seal the deal! Boss, even credit card takes 21 working days to reach home. You want to fix marriage in 5 days?

You know what is the best joke? If you reject the first one means, the parents will put one scene no, uff. Too much. Like as if you have committed one blasphemy they will react. ‘If you do like this means you will never get married. You must not have such high expectations. You have to be realistic.’ and what and all advice they give! They want to finish off their responsibilities, like that they are saying.

I agree yaar, ki, they have worked all their life and now they want to relax and live with no tension and all. We also want to see our parents enjoy retired life. But for that why they want to put so much blackmail only I don’t understand.

You are putting so much drama and telling, ‘Father is getting old and his health problems are also there. What if “something happens to him” without seeing your marriage?’. Like this and all you will say means what to do?

This is like saying ‘If you don’t kill yourself now, I will die. Now you choose what you want to do’.

The kids are not saying they will not marry, no? They are only saying ki, they will marry when they are ready to spend the rest of their lives with one person. What is wrong in asking for more time? And then you are asking, how much time you want? 1 month? 2 months? Arey!

Best is the married friends. These fellows will not keep quiet, ok? See, already he is having so much complications because he got married. He has to put his child to school next year, already paying the home loan, personal loan, credit card bill and car loan and in short, leading a shitty life.

On top of that he will come to the house and say ki ‘When you are going to put wedding food man? Aunty, why your son is not getting married? If you delay like this means that’s all’, like that he will light fire and go away. Bloody fellow. Why he is coming to the house only I never understand.

Best comedy is, if you keep delaying, parents will keep relaxing their conditions. First they will put condition ki only arranged marriage you should do. Then after some years they will agree ki they will allow love marriage but only within the same community. And then after few more years, total relaxation, ‘Boss, you bring some person, we will get you married. Just bring someone, ok?’

Arey! When we are having high school and college crush you will shout at us and totally prevent from making even one landline call to that girl’s house. Now you are saying bring anyone, but just get married.

Every person will automatically know when they are ready for marriage. If someone is getting old and not getting married means society will think bad it seems. Who is that society? Bring that fellow here. We will talk to him. Or her. Whether they have any logic behind age and marriage I want to understand. Who decides who is young and who is old?

Boss, we are all human beings yaar. We are having something that no other living thing has. We are having something called soul. This body only will become old. How young the soul inside is, that only matters. 

(Inspiration - Mary Schmidt/Baz Luhrmann and Sidin Vadukut)

Ladies and gentlemen of the world of 2012, watch cartoons.

If I could offer you only one tip for this year means, cartoons would be it. The long term benefits and scientists’ proof and all you don’t worry about, just watch means watch. Whereas as the rest of my message for you this New Year has no basis more reliable than my own non-existent experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your two-wheeler; oh never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your two wheeler until you buy a car and get stuck in traffic. When you buy a car in five years, then only you will understand ki how comfortable your bike was and how many cops you cheated and how much petrol you saved back then…Two wheelers are not as bad as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the March 31 year end targets or worry, knowing ki all year end targets culminate on April Fools’ Day. The real troubles in your life will be from the fact that you are wearing one stinking pair of socks for at least 9 hours every day or the fact that you are not taking bath on a lazy Sunday.

Do a sales job at least once in your career.

Jump.

Don’t leave nasty comments in other people’s walls and blogs. Don’t publish dirty comments that other people leave on your blogs.

Swim.

Don’t expect people to like every thing you say on social websites. Sometimes you are liked many times, sometimes nobody will even read your status update…the race is long and in the end, the status update is only a way of talking to yourself.

Remember to wish people on their birthdays outside Facebook, ignore the people who don’t wish you on yours. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your Reynolds pen cap safe, throw away your torn socks.

Tweet.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know how to use macros in Microsoft Excel…the most well-paid analysts I know hardly excel in anything else. Some of the most well-paid guys I know cannot even rename a sheet in Excel.

Get plenty of hard disk space for your computer.

Be kind to your computer. You will miss it when it crashes and lose all your pictures when you have to format your hard-disk.

Maybe you eat non-veg food, maybe you don’t, maybe you eat only egg, may be you don’t, maybe you’ll be a vegetarian and still eat chicken, maybe you eat chicken only when consuming alcohol..whatever you do, don’t laugh at the person doing the thing opposite of what you do - you are lying to your parents, so is everybody else.

Enjoy travelling by train. Use it every time you can. Don’t travel in AC coaches just because the company is paying for it. Travel in sleeper class with windows open. It’s the greatest way to have fun.

Kiss. Even if you are single, find someone or something to kiss. But don’t do it in public places.

Look at the traffic signal, even if you don’t obey it.

DO NOT watch news channels. They will only make you angry.

Get to know your current mobile phone. You never know when it will be gone for good.

Be nice to your colleagues. They only will cover up for you if you are lying to your boss and taking fake sick-leave.

Understand that neighbours come and go, but there are a precious few you must always annoy. Work hard to find out that neighbour girl’s phone number, because the more you delay, the more the possibility of her boyfriend dropping her off outside your apartment right before your eyes.

Live in south India once, but leave before you forget how to drive a car. Live in north India once, but leave before you forget how to drive.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths. iPhone 4S will become old in a few months. You must never change your iPhone ringtone from its default Marimba tune. Metro rail system will never reduce traffic on the roads. You will never find a young Air India air hostess. An on-site job is NOT the end of the world. Respect the people who have never seen the First World.

Respect the south Indians for their filter coffee.
 
Don’t expect the TV to show good programs all the time. Put it on mute when advertisements are on.

Don’t put cat pictures on your profile.

Be careful whose blog you read, but, appreciate those who blog. Blogging is a form of yoga, where you do abnormal things just to keep you normal.

But trust me on the cartoons.

Boss, what 100 days 100 days? I don’t understand. We have seen so many centuries ok? We celebrate every time 100 is reached. So this time also we will celebrate. Agreed boss, Manipur has faced ONE HUNDRED days of economic blockade. So what?

After all it is in some stupid corner of the country that sends only 2 MPs to Parliament. For that what you expect? That the entire government will run to help is it? Silly fellow. How many MPs in the Parliament, that much only value they get.

See, these Nagas and Kukis are having some old family problems. The Kuki people are asking ki boss, we are majority in Sadar Hills in Manipur, so you create one separate district for us. Otherwise we will put economic blockade in the state. Like that they said and blocked the National Highway. Then the state government agreed and suddenly the Naga fellows said ki, boss if you put separate district means, we will block the highway!

Arey! You have a fight means, you go and kill each other somewhere else yaar, why you are blocking our economy? Like that the rest of the Manipuris are asking.

See these Manipuri fellows are also crazy fellows ok. For so many years they are asking only. If nobody is listening to them anyway, why they keep on asking I don’t understand. That lady Irom Sharmila, like one silly woman, she is fasting for so many years to remove the AFSPA. Anything happened? No na? Then why they keep asking?

The Manipuri women tried walking without dress also because Army people are raping them. You remember? All the press people took the photographs and then they printed it all over the place and all. And then nothing happened.

Then why these Manipuris are expecting something to happen this time also? Boss, the Central government is too busy ok? Just now the scandal drama and all stopped and Anna Hazare is silent and Prime Minister has gone underground for a few days. Again you want to call him and solve this means how he will do?

Arey, ok, petrol is costing Rs. 200 per litre in Manipur. Fine. Agreed. But what to do? The government is busy talking to Mamata Banerjee na! She is blackmailing the government because petrol price was increased by ONE rupee yesterday. Now you itself tell, which is more important? Then how can government focus on Manipur yaar? It also has other things to do no? Like staying in government etc etc.

This is not new for any government no? Some fellow will keep asking for separate state or separate district. They will put bandh and all. You remember the Gurjar caste people who wanted Scheduled Tribe status? Government is too experienced in tackling such issues. You should leave it to them and not write silly blog posts.

Anyway why they are agitating no one is bothered. Arey, they want better jobs, not poverty, better standards of living etc. Our country famous policy is if you put violence means they will listen. So only instead of asking for these things directly, they are putting all the blockade and bandh and doing all the other nonsense things. But government is thinking ki we will happily pass one bill and then go and tell ki, ‘We have met the demands of the people, please vote please vote’.

See, these things will keep happening. We only should look the other way and pretend nothing is happening. Better these Northeast people get out of their state and go to other states. We also need some entertainment no? We can pass nice comments at them.

Anyway, tomorrow we will be meeting these Manipuri people and calling them Nepalis. Or Chinkis. Why we should care?

Everybody is affected by these fellows. Wherever you go these guys are there. Arey, if they are at least good you can look at them, but you can easily count the number of good ones using one finger itself. These bad advertisements when I see them no, I simply want to kill the guy who created it.

Boss either you be like Doordarshan ads. Say something and go away. At least don’t put scene. Or you create better advertisements. Don’t try to come and tell bull shit to us ok? We can easily find out.

What you are saying? If the man puts the deodorant and goes means all the girls will drop their clothes and run behind him is it? What nonsense concept is this yaar? Have you seen this happen anywhere in this world? Then how you expect it to happen in a conservative and traditional and deeply cultured country like India, I don’t understand. Ridiculous fellow.

How much story you are telling? Some girls will come out of the sea, some girls will fall from the sky and some girls even come and bite the men is it? Best is, you are telling ki if I put the deodorant means even neighbour girl will take off her dress in the smell. Bloody, if I put that deodorant means, even I myself cannot smell it after 10 seconds, where will neighbour girl smell it?

Also, there is no neighbour girl concept in this world. That you know? Has there ever been a single eligible neighbour girl living next door to a single eligible neighbour guy? Whose ears you are trying to keep flowers?

But still, men are trying only. Just in case. Who wants to miss the opportunity yaar?

Hello ladies, you too. Don’t just laugh at men for this. How many times you are believing the ad and putting the Clearasil and Fair and Lovely and all the other one million items on your skin and hair? Has anything changed even one bit? No!

Forget the deodorants, even the car fellows are worst. Boss you car guys have lot of money yaar! Why can’t you make some nice ads? You have brought in so much money from Korea but still you can’t create one good ad is it? All your ads are absolute nonsense crap. We are only seeing Shahrukh Khan open his arms and smile as if KKR is winning the IPL. But what you are trying to tell nobody understands.

You want one strategy to increase your sales using advertisement? I will give one advice. Don’t give any advertisement. Seeing your ad, even people who want to buy your car will run away.

You remember that chocolate ad in the 90s? One fellow will hit six and his girl friend will dodge the policeman and dance in the ground like a small girl? Ad means it should be like that. It shows one happy moment which is a simple pleasure of life. Simple and nice ad.

Instead why you want to confuse everybody including yourself? You keep on asking ‘Have I made it large?’ ‘Have I made it large?’! If you itself don’t know means how others will know? Boss first of all you tell what product you are selling?  How such stupid ads are getting approval itself I don’t understand!

I can only think of one explanation only for all of this: The ad guy must be some fellow from B-School with initials in its name. Ditto for the client guy. Both these fellows are smoking up some banned substance. One fellow says some nonsense concept for ad. The other fellow thinks it is brilliant. That’s all.

What you think of us? That we will watch whatever you put is it?

But we are watching only. What to do? That only is the problem.

Boss, how long you are going to live? In such a short time, why you want to restrict yourself and not eat any of the awesome junk food? First of all you tell me who is that idiot who named it junk food? You know what junk means right? So you are saying that everything they put in that dish has been collected from the dustbin or what?

Arey the ‘junk food’ consists of the same items you put in normal food. Then why this hatred? You know how awesome junk food is? I will tell you.

Imagine you are forgetting to take your Tupperware lunch one day. What you will do? You will be going to eat at the cafeteria right?

See, it is universal fact that all the cafeteria ‘chefs’ were construction workers in their earlier jobs. Arey they put sand, cement, stones and water in that concrete mixer na, like that the idiot chef will simply mix some two vegetables and make one dish that even a baby that is going to be born will puke. This guy will be giving regular ‘homely’ food.

Next counter guy will be preparing the awesome junk food. He will be cutting the onions right in front your eyes with his clean hands and sprinkling them over the pav-bhaji and serving you hot. Now you tell me, which will give you more satisfaction?

That also you leave, imagine what will happen to all the ladies if they don’t eat pani puri? My god! Even if they are going to get married in 10 minutes, they will park their Scooty in the side of the road and order one plate pani puri.

When they open their mouth wiiiiide and push that big puri with stuffed masala inside, they will forget the entire world around them, including that little fellow who is doing one-bathroom nearby. When they are biting that pani puri and the taste of the salty water mixes with the potato and hits their brain, at that moment, even if you ask them to marry you, they will say yes.

Best is when eating the samosa. The dance the people will do when they are suddenly biting that hot samosa no, hahaha, soo funny it will be. They don’t want to spit the hot potato masala, but at the same time they can’t bear the heat also. Too good it will be to see.

Or when they are biting that chilli bajji at the beach, they will also ask for chilly chutney as side dish. Their bravery should be saluted only. On top of all this, some idiots are saying ki Indians are meek people. Silly fellows.

Now one thing you itself tell. Why you think there are so many north Indian fellows at sandwich shops? Already they are undergoing some punishment at home in the form of tasteless food. That’s why they are coming and telling the guy ki ‘Boss, one chilli cheese, double spice, ok? Put extra chilli chutney’. Poor fellows.

Boss, eat junk food and be happy. Imagine what will happen if you are not eating junk food? All the fast food guys will close their shops (demand-supply economics problem). Then suddenly there will be price rise. One plate samosa will suddenly cost one hundred ‘bucks’ and in addition to your monthly 3G plan you have to add one samosa plan also. And you have to eat ‘Ghee rice (dal extra) Frankies’ or ‘Curd rice tikka’.

If there is no junk food, people will not be so happy. If they are not happy, their productivity will go down. Then economy will go into recession. Again. Then people will not want to have babies. Then our population will come down. If there is no population, who will protect our rich cultural heritage and all?

You need all this or what? Better nip it in the bud itself.

Excuse me busy fellow, but why you want to put so much scene? Whenever your friends suggest to do something fun, then only you will have all sorts of work in this world. ‘Oh no, there is so much to do. I have to read, send a report, email this, print that, go to hell and come back by tomorrow morning..’ . Some nonsense reason you will give.

One time two times is ok, always some stupid reason you give? You say you are busy with this, busy with that, but somehow you will find all the time in the world to update status messages, including your bloody latitude and longitude, in all the social networking websites. And still you act as if the whole earth is rotating on your head.

In school days only you put all the scene in the world in front the girls. (The girls bloody didn’t even look at you, that is a different story.) You were sitting under the tree with a book, even in PT period when other boys were playing hand cricket. God knows what you were studying, because you were anyway getting the same 70% marks in all the subjects.

Even today you repeat the same thing. Anyone calls you means you will not attend the call. And then after 2 days like one lord, you will call back and say ‘Sorry man, I was in a meeting that day.’ They will also reply as if nothing has happened ‘Hehe, no problem re, just called you just like that.’

See if you don’t want to anyone to disturb you in chat means, don’t login itself na! Or login under ‘Invisible mode’. Why you want to put “DO NOT DISTURB” as the status man? This is heights of scene. You want to show off in front of everybody that you are the only one doing work and other fellows with green dot are all jobless fools is it? Nonsense.

And worst is the other guys who always have the red dot. You are always busy is it? Who you are trying to fool? First of all, you should not login to chat itself in office, that you know? On top of that you will exhibit all sorts of stupid behaviour.

Oh and in the office the kind of scene you put. Uff man. If you stare seriously into the monitor means, nobody will know is it? Boss, everybody in this world knows you are playing Freecell. That is the only game in the world that will make you look like you are performing some complex integral calculus problems.

Either you do that or you do the other extreme. See, you are in a desk job. Why you always get up and move here and there with sleeves rolled up and pencil behind the ears? People will look at you and go, ‘Man, he is so busy. Such a hard worker’. No? Whenever somebody wants to talk to you, you act as if you are the CEO and immediately tell, ‘Oh, I have a meeting in 5 minutes. Can you please send me a calendar invite for next Wednesday? I am fully booked till then.’

I have one doubt. If you are always in meeting means when you will do your work?

Besides, what meeting meeting? Two people go into the conference room and talk means it is a meeting is it? Two people talking means it is a conversation. Three people only is a meeting. I know what you will discuss in the conference room. ‘Arey, this room is so much better. The AC outside is so bad. Let us stay here for a while.’ All the others outside will think ki you are discussing some mind blowing strategy that will change the history of the company.

Why you want to act like the CEO of the company? Even the CEO is roaming around casually, as if he is jobless. He is looking at you and wondering what so much work you have, he himself cannot understand.

Next time I see you show off, I will ask you questions such that you will want to pluck your tongue and die off. Or even better, I myself will pluck your tongue.

Maths. Physics. Chemistry. Biology. Computer Science, especially BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN and all the other nonsense you studied. Are you using any of these subjects in your real life? No na? You tell me one time, just one time where you have used trigonometry after the board exam?

Arey, in the school only the teacher was killing us. Now you also started. If you are not using any other subject from school in real life means, why history alone you are clinging on to it like a baby monkey?

Agreed boss, history is important for us to remember and all. But why so much importance you are giving to previous centuries I don’t understand.

Best is the political fellows. Suddenly they will remember some chapter in history and they will say ki “Arey! This is not the ‘original’ name of the place! First let me change it back to its historic name.” Mental or what?

Along with history only they taught us Civics. Come on tell me the Preamble of the Constitution? What? Constitution has a Preamble? Like that you will ask.

Historically, we are monkeys. Then walking around naked. Then doing unmentionable things in the public places. Then only farming business. You want to go back and do any of these things? No na? Then?

What you think? All our forefathers were concerned by the history or what? They didn’t think like that and all.  If they thought like that means why they invented clothes? We can still wear leaves na? That only is our “historic” dress right? (I know what you are thinking. No no, without any dress, it will uncomfortable in front the opposite gender people.)

Boss, they didn’t think about the future only. If they thought about future means why they put dirty sculptures in the temples? Didn’t they know that in the future kids will come and look at them and ask nonsense questions to their mothers? If they thought about future means why they put that hole in the ozone? If they didn’t think about future, why we should think about their history I ask?

“Ashoka planted trees all along the road”…still you are reading this and getting fooled? History means starts with Ashoka The GREAT (?!) and ends in 1947 is it? Who will read 1947 to 2011? Bloody.

Boss, read history, nothing wrong. But use it to study IAS (Mains) exam. Get good marks and get settled in life. And let others live peacefully.

Why you want to take that history book and tie yourself around with it only I am not getting. If you keep doing only what is there in the history books, how you will enter the history books? Bloody you are interested in everybody else creating history, but you don’t want to create anything is it? Sachin creates history, scientists create history, Anna Hazare creates history…all nonsense gossip stories you will sit and talk. But you will not go out and do one thing that is different from others.

Instead, you are coming and preaching about “good old days” nonsense to all of us here and ask us lay eggs reading history. You are living in the present means live according to present times. That’s all.

“Historically we are this, historically we are that” what kind of nonsense is this? Historically we are all amoeba, you know that? So you will crawl on the roads like amoeba is it?

See even the United Nations itself given warning to all of us. They went and told Bolivia ki, boss, historically you may have chewed the cocain-leaves as tradition, but now we are telling you ki it is illegal. Don’t ask why illegal and all. If you want means stay, else go out. To hell with your tradition.

UN itself telling. Better you pay attention. Otherwise you will become history.