The Local Tea Party

(Ladies, this is advice for men. If you are still reading this means don’t come shouting at me. I am not responsible.)

10. Do not argue or try arguing with the ladies. Especially if they happen to be your mother. (Equally applicable to others.) Even if you are winning, you will walk away feeling you have lost.

9. Do not think you can overtake or even try to overtake some ladies in traffic. Because the main thing is they don’t have any distraction on the road. But you are having a major distraction on the road. Them. Even if you succeed, you will be caught by the traffic police at the next signal and the ladies will be happily going past you. Worst thing is, even then they will not turn and look at you.

8. Don’t try to get into or discuss misogyny stuff with them. Some ladies I know can do it better than men.

7. When you are out with the ladies shopping for something on the pavement, don’t show off by trying to take the lead and bargain with the shopkeeper. He will look at you top to bottom and take his stuff back and ask you to leave. Wait for the ladies to start bargaining and that fellow’s starting price will be half of your final offer.

6. Whatever you do, better don’t assume that women don’t know bad words and get into an argument based on their puppy-face innocent looks. Boss, I am telling you, one woman I know knows so much bad words that I suffered severe internal brain damage listening to her. New new dictionaries are waiting to be written.

5. Sports. Avoid discussing this ladies. No No. Not because of the stereotype that women don’t follow sports and all that. Actually the opposite. The other day I was randomly showing off my love for cricket to one girl and she immediately jumped up and started talking about changing Sri Lankan cricket scenario. Boss who follows Sri Lankan cricket anyway, that too if India is not even playing! And she kept quoting so many statistics about the players that at some point I was seriously considering following carrom board or something. If they tell you they don’t follow sports, don’t discuss sports. Discuss something else that makes good conversation. If they tell you they follow sports, then also don’t discuss sports. You are doing your pride a big favour.

4. Do not try to outdo the ladies by reading more books than they read. That is impossible. No. Don’t even protest. They are reading all sorts of authors and all sorts of books that you will be beginning to think you have to quit your fulltime job to even match that amount of reading. If you have read 2,54,874 books in your lifetime, your lady friend would have read 2,54,875 books, many of them even depressing titles. And despite all this, you will be finding hardly any common authors worthy enough for conversation. Except P.G.Wodehouse. Of course.

3. Just don’t think ki all women can cook great. One friend couple I know, that guy is a horrible cook. That woman is even more horrible. One day I went to eat with them. That guy only cooked. That woman was saying ‘Yummmmyyyyyy’. Boss, there was no salt only! What kind of culinary skill is this?

2. Don’t lose your ordinariness. ‘Prince charming’ in white horse, vampire, ‘knight in shining armour ‘and all that the ladies will say, but ordinary fellow wins in the end.

1. VERY VERY IMPORTANT. Do not challenge a woman in a gym. I am serious. If you go to a gym means just go, look down all the time, do your routine, come back home and drink milk. If you think, ‘Pfft, a woman, I can do better than her’ means, all the best.

One pretty woman in the gym was putting off her headphones in her ears. She looked like she was getting ready to jog or walk on the treadmill. Correct that’s what I thought. Wrong. Boss, she pressed some buttons and started running. Like, real running. The kind of running you and I have last done only on a day when we forgot to polish our school shoes and our PT teacher had a fight with the spouse that morning.

I kid you not man, I tried to match her speed for exactly 11 seconds before I tripped and fell off the treadmill and my foot got caught in the moving rubber and I was rolling over and under the treadmill in circles but she was running as if nothing was happening! Arey, focus while exercising is good, but this kind of focus is too much yaar.

They called an ambulance for me and all and she was still running when the paramedics took me inside the ambulance, completely unaware of my life situation for which she was responsible. Later I checked, it seems she was still running when the gym was closing for the day and when the neighbouring shop owner looked through the glass when the last light was switched off, she was still running.

So boss, take my advice. And take care of yourself.

Happy Women’s Day.

Boss something is wrong with this world. I am sitting here trying to change the world but so many distractions are happening and I am not able to change even a ten rupee note into coins. Some problems yaar. I don’t know how to explain only. Because I myself don’t know what the problem is!

See I am following all the rules in the traffic. OK not all. This red signal-orange signal is a big confusion all the time. So sometimes I pleasure the rebel in myself by breaking the traffic signals. I mean, not like climbing up the pole and throwing down the traffic light and breaking it types. But, generally breaking the rules.

But seriously, when I am breaking the rules, nobody is around ok? So net damage is zero. But when I am following the rules and someone else breaks the rules no, I bloody want to break his face only. It is because of stupid people like this that the country is still ‘developing’ (whatever that means).

Arey the other day, this fellow made a joke about me and told me itself! How dare he? I was about to slap him only. He asked me whether it was a bad joke! Arey! How can he make fun of me? Boss I will tell jokes about everyone and make people laugh (making people laugh is such a noble thing), I will make fun of all actors and politicians and other people’s physical appearances and might even get paid for it, but if someone makes fun of me means, that’s all. I will whoop their ass in public, baby. Sorry boss, I can only tell jokes but I can’t take jokes.

So I wrote this giant article about a movie by one actor who is a megalomaniac and uses all possible ways to promote his work, ok? That fellow usually shamelessly plugs his works and goes about selling his art, something that he has invested in for decades. So I wrote a nice article against his silly methods. Boss it was such a beautiful article I wrote, I wanted everyone to read and appreciate my criticism. I asked people to share it and retweet it and like it and comment on it. Then one stupid fellow is putting a comment and criticising ki he didn’t like my critique. What the hell yaar? How can he say such a thing?

I want to look around and beat up people like that.

I especially want to beat up people who look at other human beings as pieces of meat. I want to break their jaws if they make dirty comments in public. How dare they look at other people as if they were objects?! Boss I will secretly admire film stars and models and fantasise about them but you cannot do it. Please. Not in my presence. Privately you do whatever you want to do or behave however you want to behave and regard other human beings as you want to, but in public, behave as if you are basically a nice person. Because who I really am not is not important for you. What others think of me is only important. So I will behave like a nice person and not really offend anyone openly.

But you know how I will slyly offend people. For that also I have a technique.

I will insult them by giving ‘offensive tags’ to natural processes. I will call older people as ‘uncle-based’ and ‘aunty-types’. Because being called old is bad and being called young is good, you see. I will call fat people fat. Because being called fat is bad but being called slim is good.

Ugly is bad. Beautiful is good. [Ok, this one I didn’t understand properly. Because if someone is not naturally beautiful but appears beautiful because of using make up, then what is there to be proud of? That beauty is anyway artificial. If someone is naturally beautiful from birth, then also what is there to be proud of? That person had nothing to do with their beauty. They were just born that way. Full confusion yaar!]

Anyway, that is the basic problem. I am telling them to do one thing and everybody is doing exactly the opposite. So many serious problems are there in the world and we are talking about such silly issues.

Ok come let’s discuss about changing the world.

How things have come to this level is a great mystery. Even greater mystery is how nobody is objecting to it! Boss, attracting the females is the one and only full time aim of the gentlemen in this world is it?! Who said? Bring that fellow here. Not everything that men want to buy is to attract the ladies!

What a ridiculous false propaganda this is! I am serious man, take a look at the advertisements and you will start thinking ki men are roaming around the streets always thinking ‘How do I attract the ladies? How do I attract the ladies?’

And Virat Kohli is coming and giving two ideas instead of one to attract girls it seems. First of all, which idiot will buy a phone to attract a girl? No seriously, tell me. And I don’t understand who will be the bigger joker here, the guy who will buy this cellphone or the girl who will be attracted to him because of this?

At least this fellow is young fellow (cellphone company, not Virat Kohli) and at least cellphone—>smartphone—>smart—>gents some connection is there. We can forgive. But underwear? Underwear???!!!

First and second of all, how and why will the ladies know what brand underwear the men are wearing? Even if they know and even if they get attracted to it, it means it is the name of the underwear brand that is attractive and not its contents. Why you are spreading such false propaganda against the gentlemen like this? And then lungi! Don’t even want to discuss that here.

Arey, one time you are showing a girl running away from a guy with a car to a guy with a two-wheeler. On seeing this thousands of gentlemen are buying bikes in the hope of giving lift to a girl from bus-stop. But then there are no girls only in the bus stop because secretly you are selling Scooty and Activa to them. And then you are also showing girls running away from guy with bike to guy with car and they both are leaving the guy with bike in deal and secretly giggling ‘Let’s Go’. What ridiculous nonsense is this?

Then you will come tell, ‘Oh, so you are saying then this is not true? Men don’t want to attract ladies?’, this, that. True boss, that desire will be there, but not like what you are saying. But we will understand if you say things like, ‘If you go to gym, you will attract ladies’ or ‘If you read good books, you will attract ladies.’

But see for yourself, what nonsense you are yapping.

If you buy a soft drink, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a bike, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a car, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a cellphone, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a suitcase, you will attract ladies.

If you buy a lungi, you will attract ladies.

If you buy underwear, you will attract ladies.

If you buy music cd, you will attract ladies.

If you buy toothpaste, you will attract ladies.

If you use debit card, you will attract ladies.

Boss! What is this?

Already some idiot men are doing nonsense things to ladies and the whole country is outraging. On top of this you are showing as if men are so desperate to attract the ladies. And already men are confused ki when the ladies will be funny and when they will suddenly become angry and say ‘You are such a misogynist. All men are rapists. All men are like this. All men are like that.’ On top of this you are showcasing men like this means how?

Arey other than the Drive to Bond, men also have some other nice decent intentions too. Like…ok there is no time to discuss such lengthy topics here. Later.

Even if the men are doing all of the above things and more on top of this, the ladies will say, ‘This and all ok, but most importantly the man should have a sense of humour. That is only crucial.’ Then what will the gentlemen do? Everything is now waste.

Better you do one thing. If you want to make such advertisements means first you manufacture appropriate product like one Sense of Humour spray. Then you can advertise as

‘Spray this and attract ladies!’

‘Just one spray for one hour of sense of humour! Lasts long! Really long!’

At least some sense will be there.

But then, even for that also ladies will counter it because they will come fully loaded with a Sense of Sarcasm Spray. Or worse. Pepper spray.

Who will deal with such things?

20.12.2012 

In case the world is ending tomorrow, I want to leave some tips and tricks for the future humans, so that they are not repeating the same mistakes and bringing the same fate to themselves. (At least let them live happily forever, no?)

TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN

If you are reading this means, congratulations on inhabiting the earth once again. We humans rock. (To hell with cockroaches.) But before you start celebrating, you have to learn from past experience. Below, you will be finding some things we learnt while we rocked the planet ‘lyk nething’. I hope you use the below information correctly to ensure your continued presence on the planet.

1. Find the following two objects wherever they are and destroy hide them immediately

            a. Harris Jeyaraj music CDs

            b. Akshay Kumar movie DVD/CD/Bluray/Torrents

Also, never ever refer to them as ‘classics’. Some people used to do that and we are wondering ki if that is one reason the world ended. You don’t do the same mistake and bring the same fate upon yourselves. This is a second chance for humans. Please make use of it.

2. One clarification. There are no boyfriends in engineering college. There are no girls in engineering college. FYI.

3. No need to keep blaming the British for everything. Forgive them. They are already suffering till their last breath. Because Prince Charles is still Prince. Hahaha.

4. Never eat dosa with spoon and fork. (We think this is the number one reason the world wanted to end itself.)

5. If you are finding maps of countries or states, burn them. No need for boundaries. There is nothing called patriotism. Not required. We were test firing missiles all the time and forgot about diabetes. No need to prove that where you were born is the best place in the whole world when you had no control over that fact.

6. If you are male, try the following two things with a woman.

            a. Look into her eyes while talking

            b. Win an argument.

If you are able to achieve any/all of this means please leave a record for the future generations.

7. Test cricket is dying. Save it.

8. If you find grammar-nazis, kidnap them. Learn from them, but don’t let them out on the streets.

9. Don’t wear shoes (especially sports shoes) without socks. Ever.

10. We used to make fun of people based on what they read. I mean, ladies were reading books that nobody has even heard of, man! Where they found such books we didn’t know. And the tragedy in those books, uff! Too much crying. But it was so much fun making fun.

11. They used to make fun of people based on what book they followed. It was not fun. Better you avoid such things.

12. You don’t have to be honest all the time. If you break a neighbour’s window while playing cricket, run.

13. If you like someone means tell them. You never know when the world will end again. Even if it does not end, somebody will make a stupid movie out of the story and will call it ‘love story of the millennium’ etc etc. Better to avoid such complications.

14. Don’t put emotional status message updates. Somebody will say ‘k’ and you will think they are insensitive and you will be more emotionally upset.

15. Laugh. This is easier said than done only, but the world itself has ended and you are still around. What more reason you want to laugh at everything thrown at you?

Yours truly,

It’s ok, boss. Don’t act too smart and call me superstitious. Everybody is attached to things ok? No no, not like attached to limbs and all. That everybody is. I mean the objects. Simply don’t keep on seeing rationale in everything. 

Not every object becomes close to you just like, right? Only some objects give you the privilege of being in love with them. And only some of them are interested in your secrets.

 Like the study table. Name only study table. You think studies happened at the table? Nothing like that. Only day-dreaming happened. Till date, it only knows how much of the marks I got in the exam was actually deserved. The only reason that table is still sitting in the house is because it cannot talk. There is a reason such objects don’t talk. Because if they talk means, that’s all, total honour gone for a toss.

Or take the vehicle. Boss, my mother has no idea I can use so many bad words like that! But the vehicle has a complete list of bad words I have used so creatively on other people while going on the road.

Forget bad words at others, you know how many conversations I have had with myself? Some days I am talking to myself and playing one entire movie on the vehicle - full comedy, tragedy, song sequence, everything in one journey.

Sometimes this vehicle will think I am talking to it and in protest of my argument, it will simply stop in the middle of the road. After a couple of relationship-based bad words at the inanimate object, things will be normal again and I will get moving.

Vehicle at least we can sell off or replace once it is starting to put too much repairs. But how will anyone know when to replace the underwear?! (I am talking about the decent underwear, not the dirty one.)

So the best thing to do is to keep on using it until a hole starts appearing. Then suddenly, the love for that underwear increases. So keep on wearing until the hole becomes bigger and bigger. And this love will spread to other torn clothes as well.

I don’t know why the brain thinks like that, but the torn clothes are the most comfortable clothes to be wearing. It is publicly visible (the hole), but still without any hesitation, I am wanting to wear it.

Mother will want to tear it out and use it in the kitchen, but no chance! That dress still has some more life in it yaar! Anyway, we are inside the house only no? Why waste? But after some days, that logic also goes away and suddenly I am roaming around the street to the nearby shop in the torn dress. See, I know the dress is torn somewhere, but nobody else knows no? Then why bother? Let me wear it for some more days.

Anyway, we are not that posh to keep changing dress just like that. As it is, the waist line is conducting a graduation ceremony every few months, on top of that if we have to replace the dress so frequently means how? Or they should give expiry date for such things. Even then we will not be changing, because these things are holding more secrets than anybody else in this world.

See attachment to objects and all have plenty of reason and logic ok? Objects come with a purpose and they will be leaving us only if the purpose is fully completed. Whether you have seen Lord of the Rings or not? Certain things if anyone takes them away means that’s all, life will stop only (MP3 player and iPhone and all not counted). The emotional trauma of the loss will be so much ki, it will give many sleepless nights and all. What if some black magic fellow made that object talk? What if this object suddenly started talking and telling all strange truths about me? Better to take care of it with love and affection and maintain it carefully.

No way I can let go of that blanket.

This is beginning to get funny. On one hand, from the childhood, they are saying ki change is coming change is coming, you must be geared to face the change etc etc. On the other hand, there are these worst fellows who are saying ki ‘Oh tradition is getting spoilt. We must not let things change! etc etc’.

Relax boss, both of you. Let me tell you something. From the childhood till today, we are waiting, but where is the change??

After school they said college. Professor replaced teacher. After college they said work. Boss replaced professor. Then after first job. Worst boss replaced better boss. And then we even tried changing jobs and all, but… no way. Nothing is changing.

First we are looking at our parents and thinking ki, no way I am going to be like that. I am going to change everything around me and remove all the imperfections and make this a better place to live and all that BS, we will think. Home state, mother-tongue (that too if you are migrant means that’s all, total hatred for the mother-tongue only), religion, caste etc everything we will ridicule when we are young.

First opposition we will put is, total ridicule of the arranged marriage. All the friends will even agree ki it is ‘such a lame concept’ and all that. And yet, when you grow up these matrimony websites are having millions of registered accounts, that too operated by the parents only. Ok leave it, this, people are doing out of parents’ compulsion and so not doing it voluntarily.

But after this only change will start changing.

From the baby days, we are looking for change, but when you go to a new country or a new place, you want to go to a restaurant that serves you homely food in a ‘traditional manner’ it seems. Boss, you only wanted change no? Then take it!

While at home, nobody wanted to be a part of the festival ritual. On festival holidays, you will run away to play cricket instead of staying with the family and then when you are away from home, you are missing home and you want to take part in all the rituals.

But best moment of revelation comes when suddenly, from being the most boring dish, curd rice becomes the ‘best dish in the whole world!!!!!’. Add one more statement like ‘tender coconut is the coolest drink ever!’ and any talk of ‘permanent change’ is a myth from now on.

You could have pretended you hated your mother-tongue when you were young and spoken only in English with your family people and all, but suddenly you will be feeling attachment to some guy from your state who has done something proud for the country (like winning Olympics or securing a H1B or securing a train ticket using IRCTC website).

Then suddenly <language-religion> or <language-caste> becomes a cool word and you will even put it in all your profile descriptions, along with your favourite traditional food item or beverage.

Now that’s it. Flood gates are open. To hell with change.

Ladies will start dressing exactly like how their mother was dressing. Best is gents. Hair color and hair style will change but the amount of hair on head will be just like that on the father. You are thinking you are different from your father because you are more adventurous and left home to work somewhere, but sorry boss, father also did exactly the same thing when he was young. Father went to office without tucking in the shirt and went in Sandals. We are wearing shoes and tie and all and doing the same. Father used real pens and real files. We are using keyboard and computer files. That’s all. Everything else is the same.

Before you realise, this mysterious thing called ‘change’ is nowhere to be seen.

And we are sitting and wondering how we are having a culture that is many centuries old.

Happy Diwali.

See the thing is, I don’t know where to start. Where it started with YOU I am able to remember and all. But then, what to say, how to say, that is a little difficult. It has been so many years no…

And yet, after so many years, I am not able to forget you. You know why? Because of the things you have done to me!

Boss what is the problem if I went running down the corridor, shouting at the top of my voice? Immediately you will stop and pull my hair and scold. And while pulling my hair only you will realise ki I have not had my haircut on time and scold me for that also. Because of you, even today I am getting restless if I don’t get a haircut on time!

What is your job and what you are doing? You want to teach means teach but why you are threatening me all the time? I am thinking ki they actually paid you to scare the hell out of me just by glaring at me. Especially with your glasses and all, your eyes looked even bigger! My god, how scary! And I am still thinking you are the reason I get scared even today whenever I see someone with wide-open eyes.

And you know something? It is now officially in my DNA to look around first before speaking out an unparliamentary word. I’m just making sure you are not around when I am saying the bad word. See what you have done to me!

Best is, for anything and everything you will threaten to call my parents and complain about me. And at home, you know what my parents will do? They will threaten to complain about me to you! Arey! What kind of game was this? And I was getting so much worried about who will complain what to whom!

All this despite the fact that I was so much impressed by you.

I liked the way you had command over English so much, that it often sent me stammering while talking to you because I didn’t want you to ridicule me in front of others. And I always thought you deliberately used cursive writing on the blackboard to mock at my useless handwriting.

You wowed me with your intelligence by giving answers to every question I asked. And I knew what kind of questions to ask you because certain kinds of questions and certain kinds of actions attracted violent physical reactions from you, that is a different story.

And oh, I even had a crush on you because I liked the way you dressed.

No no, I am not saying ki you are bad or that you made me feel bad and all. In fact, it is the opposite.

I may be an average person today, but you never made me feel average. Somehow, at least one of you had something nice to say about me. At least one of you said I was good. At least one of you stayed back every day after work for me because you felt responsible for my future.

But you see, after you left, a lot of people replaced you.

Unlike you, they didn’t scold me for fighting with others. They actually told me that everyone around me was my competitor and that I had to ‘fight the world’ to survive.  Maybe because you knew something that these guys didn’t know. Maybe you knew that the guy I was fighting with, was not my competitor but would actually become a friend for life.

They didn’t ask me to stop running around or even slow down, because they only said I had to run hard if I had to stay in the same place.

They stopped worrying about how much I absorbed. They were only interested in how much I could give. They said they had a job to do. But nobody said they had a responsibility.

At least once, I had wished I would become someone like you. But I did not. And you probably expected that to happen, because you knew me better than anyone else. But I also think you are expecting something else to happen.

You are probably sitting in your chair with your big eyes reading something, expecting me to come up meekly and say, Happy Teacher’s Day.

You do one thing. First you grow up. Because, if you grow up means, automatically your son will grow up. And when your son is growing up, give him a pack of condoms. Now don’t give that confused look and all. Seriously, give him a pack of condoms. Along with that, give him a lot of free advice. Don’t think that he won’t take it. Give it anyway, he will eventually take it.

Tell your son to go out with the girls. Tell him to give them hugs and high-fives and ask them to go out on day trips and have fun. Tell him that it is not important to get married before having sex and that if he feels like it, ask him to use that condom you just gave him. Tell him that the Health and Glow shop anyway has lots of varieties of them near the cash counter itself and that he need not be embarrassed to go buy them if he has to. No one will notice.

Tell him that he can talk about sex in your presence. And that you will not feel embarrassed about it.

Tell your son that it is ok to watch pornography. Don’t ask him to watch it when you are around and all, that will be indecent, but still tell him that there is nothing wrong in watching two adults in action.

Tell your son to read erotic fiction and have some fun. In fact, if possible, you only give a copy of the Kamasutra to him. He won’t understand any of it anyway, but still give it to him. Or try Harold Robbins.

Ask him to log on to Chatrooms and have sex chat with a random girl on the other end. It could be a guy pretending to be a girl, but still that and all doesn’t matter. Ask him to have it nevertheless.

Ask him to do sexting with this girlfriend, but tell him to do it discreetly. Tell him it is ok to have phone sex with her and that even if you overhear something from his room, tell him that you will pretend you have not heard anything. Promise him you won’t embarrass him.

Tell him to fall in love with a woman (or a man). Tell him to go head-over-heels (or something like that) about her. Tell him to admire her beauty. Actually, tell him to admire the beauty of all women. Tell him that they are single most source of joy on the planet and that without them the world is nothing. Tell him to make love to a woman in a manner that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Tell him to relax and enjoy sex.

But before you do ANY of the above,

Tell him what they show on National Geographic Channel. Tell him that male animals don’t have sex without the permission of the female animal. Tell him that it is a shame to touch a woman without her permission. Tell him that it is a failure on your part and on the way you have brought him up. Tell him that it is a failure to his manhood.

Tell him that real life pornography requires her permission. Tell him that if a woman agrees, no amount of erotica can match a woman’s passion. But ask him to wait for the woman to agree first.

Tell him that a woman is a human being. Just like him. Not a piece of object. Tell him that while it is ok to admire her beauty, grabbing her body parts without her permission is worse than stealing food from rabies-ridden street dog. Tell him that just because he possesses a penis, it does not give him the right to mate with every vagina in the vicinity automatically.

Tell him that even broken hearts can be mended but he cannot break a woman’s dignity at any cost.

Tell him that raping is a Sin for which Man will have to pay a heavy price. A very heavy price.

Boss what is this obsession with looking good all the time? Every minute of the day you want to look good is it? Not possible. No no, not just the ladies ok? I am talking about the gentlemen too. Always you want to look good means how is it possible? Whether you are working in beauty parlour?

Earlier they used to call it beauty parlour and all the ladies used to go to do something with threads or something. At that time, all the men happily used to sit and read some magazines, I mean see some pictures of…ladies, I mean girls. But these beauty parlour fellows have totally messed up everything. They saw ki men are wasting time and so they said, ‘Arey, we will cut hair for men too, come come!’

So women are getting haircut and next seat men are also getting haircut. Women are looking at themselves in the mirror seriously and men are also looking at them secretly through the mirror. Best part is the women know everything that is happening and still they act as if they have not seen the men seeing them. What boss? Why such acting?

Hair looks so boring, it seems. If it is boring, why you are looking at it? Go watch some TV or play video games. Anyway you are going to put your hairband in your wrist only. For that why so much trouble?

Ok leave that. We used to happily go to ‘Malabar Saloon’ and get haircut and all. Now, suddenly all the saloon fellows have become salon fellows. Best is, they dropped one ‘O’ from saloon and added two ‘0’s to the price! Suddenly, ten rupees hair cut is thousand rupees. Arey! At least put some radio no, some decent music or general knowledge will come. Instead they are playing party music. What?! Boss, hair is getting cut yaar, how to shake the leg to the music? Whether you will face the consequence of ugly haircut? Maybe you will face, but I won’t.

On top of all this, they are selling hair cream to give ‘that Just-out-of-bed’ look it seems. Arey! If I want to get that look, I will simply get out of bed and go straight, no?

Indecent fellow will cut the hair and should simply leave no? He won’t. Very cleverly he will look at your face and say ‘Sir your skin is too rough and ugly patches are coming. You want to remove them?’ And we are thinking ki, ‘Boss, if one guy itself calling me ugly means what will the girls think?’ Men are feeling like this means, imagine how women will feel when asked like this? Ok, no need to imagine.

And he also wants to cut my nails it seems. No thank you. I have Made in Korea nail-cutter at home.

And the trouble taken in the gym. Uff. No need to mention at all. I think the gym fellows are our creditors in the previous birth. Otherwise why we will simply give money and forget about it? Especially because anyhow you are visiting Frankie’s every alternate day. What is the point? And yes, six-pack is useless. Women will look and drool and all but ultimately fall for the ‘chubby cute’ guy with nice paunch, because he looks ‘normal’. Why bother anyway?

You put fairness cream wherever you want to, but result will be the same. Somebody is always fairer than you, so again, don’t bother. There are six billion people in this planet. Who are you trying to impress?

Boss, you do whatever you want to look good. Nothing wrong. Your money, you spend. If nothing is working you can at least download some nice filters on Adobe Light Room and impress others. Anyhow you are already using Instagram.

But see, just looking good is not at all important no? Ordinary looking people cannot live in this planet is it? Who said?

However ‘beautiful’ you are, if you are walking around with a frown means what is the point? People will throw mustard at your face and it will explode only.

I don’t understand why we are trying so hard when there is an easy way to become the most beautiful person in the planet. Put one simple honest smile. That’s all.