(Ladies, this is advice for men. If you are still reading this means don’t come shouting at me. I am not responsible.)
10. Do not argue or try arguing with the ladies. Especially if they happen to be your mother. (Equally applicable to others.) Even if you are winning, you will walk away feeling you have lost.
9. Do not think you can overtake or even try to overtake some ladies in traffic. Because the main thing is they don’t have any distraction on the road. But you are having a major distraction on the road. Them. Even if you succeed, you will be caught by the traffic police at the next signal and the ladies will be happily going past you. Worst thing is, even then they will not turn and look at you.
8. Don’t try to get into or discuss misogyny stuff with them. Some ladies I know can do it better than men.
7. When you are out with the ladies shopping for something on the pavement, don’t show off by trying to take the lead and bargain with the shopkeeper. He will look at you top to bottom and take his stuff back and ask you to leave. Wait for the ladies to start bargaining and that fellow’s starting price will be half of your final offer.
6. Whatever you do, better don’t assume that women don’t know bad words and get into an argument based on their puppy-face innocent looks. Boss, I am telling you, one woman I know knows so much bad words that I suffered severe internal brain damage listening to her. New new dictionaries are waiting to be written.
5. Sports. Avoid discussing this ladies. No No. Not because of the stereotype that women don’t follow sports and all that. Actually the opposite. The other day I was randomly showing off my love for cricket to one girl and she immediately jumped up and started talking about changing Sri Lankan cricket scenario. Boss who follows Sri Lankan cricket anyway, that too if India is not even playing! And she kept quoting so many statistics about the players that at some point I was seriously considering following carrom board or something. If they tell you they don’t follow sports, don’t discuss sports. Discuss something else that makes good conversation. If they tell you they follow sports, then also don’t discuss sports. You are doing your pride a big favour.
4. Do not try to outdo the ladies by reading more books than they read. That is impossible. No. Don’t even protest. They are reading all sorts of authors and all sorts of books that you will be beginning to think you have to quit your fulltime job to even match that amount of reading. If you have read 2,54,874 books in your lifetime, your lady friend would have read 2,54,875 books, many of them even depressing titles. And despite all this, you will be finding hardly any common authors worthy enough for conversation. Except P.G.Wodehouse. Of course.
3. Just don’t think ki all women can cook great. One friend couple I know, that guy is a horrible cook. That woman is even more horrible. One day I went to eat with them. That guy only cooked. That woman was saying ‘Yummmmyyyyyy’. Boss, there was no salt only! What kind of culinary skill is this?
2. Don’t lose your ordinariness. ‘Prince charming’ in white horse, vampire, ‘knight in shining armour ‘and all that the ladies will say, but ordinary fellow wins in the end.
1. VERY VERY IMPORTANT. Do not challenge a woman in a gym. I am serious. If you go to a gym means just go, look down all the time, do your routine, come back home and drink milk. If you think, ‘Pfft, a woman, I can do better than her’ means, all the best.
One pretty woman in the gym was putting off her headphones in her ears. She looked like she was getting ready to jog or walk on the treadmill. Correct that’s what I thought. Wrong. Boss, she pressed some buttons and started running. Like, real running. The kind of running you and I have last done only on a day when we forgot to polish our school shoes and our PT teacher had a fight with the spouse that morning.
I kid you not man, I tried to match her speed for exactly 11 seconds before I tripped and fell off the treadmill and my foot got caught in the moving rubber and I was rolling over and under the treadmill in circles but she was running as if nothing was happening! Arey, focus while exercising is good, but this kind of focus is too much yaar.
They called an ambulance for me and all and she was still running when the paramedics took me inside the ambulance, completely unaware of my life situation for which she was responsible. Later I checked, it seems she was still running when the gym was closing for the day and when the neighbouring shop owner looked through the glass when the last light was switched off, she was still running.
So boss, take my advice. And take care of yourself.
Happy Women’s Day.