The Local Tea Party

The pen is mightier than the sword and all ok, but don't try to fight with a pen. Otherwise there will be ink all over you.

Advertisements are the original aliens

I saw one cartoon thing about advertisements. How true no? Advertisements everywhere and advertisements all the time! I think they are the actual aliens who are here to attack us. Silly NASA fellows putting up telescopes and searching for them all over the place except here.

Don’t believe me? Just go right now and switch on the radio. I will bet my WWF trump cards and tenth standard slam book that they are playing advertisements right now. See? In a 4-hour radio program only 30 seconds of content they are putting. Rest of all is a giant ad skit about a father who got his daughter married successfully because he invested in real estate. Such nonsense!

These television guys are even worse. Uff. First of all they don’t have proper content itself. On top of that they are bombarding the television with so much advertisements all the time. Who is that idiot marketing guy sponsoring all such crappy television shows? Boss, in the history of my entire life, not even once have I sat down for dinner and seen a proper television program for the full dinner. Every single day I sit down to eat and switch on the TV and they are showing advertisements. I am like, ok fine let me start eating, maybe program will come soon and I eat and I eat and I reach curd rice and they are still showing advertisements. I get up and then they will put ticker like ‘Back in 30 seconds…29…28..’ Bloody idiots.

Arey if the ads are good at least fine, I can swallow. Correctly when I am eating dinner only they will put ads of Harpic, Domex, any and every other item ever invented to clean the toilet. Ugh the worst is who you know? Every night when I am eating one aunty will come and put her hand in the toilet area and rub it nicely to show that toilet is clean. What the absolute atrocity of an act to see when you are eating your favorite dish? Thinking that itself makes me want to puke all over this keyboard now.

Then the shaving ads. Boss let me tell all the ladies and some gents one thing clearly. That level of clean shaven face they are showing in advertisements is possible in only one way. First you have to set fire to your facial hair, then rub the face with sand paper (ISO P12) for 24 hours and then polish it with tamarind and Sabena powder five times a day for one week. Only then you will get smooth face like that. What levels of stupidity they are assuming about us I don’t know.

And then there are the new age fools. The internet ads. All sort of circus they do on screen the minute I open one website. Videos will start playing. Random sounds will come. Ads will pop up from left, right, bottom left, bottom right, Agneya,  Īśāna and all other possible directions. Then whatever you want to read will slowly disappear downwards and giant car will come and sit on your screen. One website is actually having a car move from left to right, and then from right to left, with a little ‘close’ button on the dicky. Boss I am here to read news article. Not play video games!

Worst experience is when I am trying to improve my intelligence by reading some knowledgeable articles about Cosmos and space and black holes and I am scrolling down and suddenly one ad appears saying ‘Buy Black Hole underwear 5 pieces for just Rs. 999/- (Google Ad)’. I simply don’t understand why they are thinking in the first place ki people will suddenly feel like buying underwear in the middle of reading a scientific article.

Such bombardment with ads causes much trauma to the brain. I think just like how government has rehabilitation programs for people affected by war or too much exposure to things like nuclear radiation or Newshour, they should also have rehabilitation program or something for people affected by exposure to too many advertisements.

How much they are present in our life?! And it’s not even like they are asking our permission! Just like that they decided to torture us with their stupid ads.

It’s ridiculous no? How they think that, if we are interested in something they have a right to be present there. ‘Oh! You are looking somewhere. Wait wait I will come and put my ad there and block your view.’ ‘Oh you are listening to something? Please excuse us, we are owning the soundwaves and so please listen to this crappy ad.’

Boss I understand not everything can be free and so they have to make money to sustain and all that MBA related stuff. All that is fine. But that is not the only aim no? Immediately you will say ki boss if you don’t want all this means pay up, then we will talk. That is also correct. But it is not like I have a choice to go anywhere. Na?

I am walking down a street. If you see me walking down the street every day and so send a thousand hawkers everyday who shove products into my face and harass me and ask me to buy, I will simply not come to that street again, no?

Some things about nothing

It is a city. It is an emotion. It is a collection of villages. It is a separate nation. What and all random ways to describe it no? What the hell is this city?

This city makes me angry. The timepass digging along the road. The water stagnating because of the digging. The traffic stagnating because of the water. Vehicles are not at all moving and my patience is vanishing like my grandmother’s front teeth. It drives me crazy and so I try to get off the vehicle to shout at someone to vent my anger and then traffic starts moving. Bloody city doesn’t even allow me to get angry properly.

Typical Madras behaviour. It’s there, but not too much. Just like all the other things. Like, the display of wealth. The city lets the rich fellows flaunt their wealth. But never lets it get vulgar. Modesty is in its DNA.

This city makes me argumentative. I want to argue with the autorickshaw driver who doesn’t want to turn that meter on. Does he not know the rules of the game have changed?  I want to argue with the newspaper boy who delivers newspaper late just on ONE day. Does he not know that the day doesn’t start until I read it? I want to get into an argument with a Brian Lara fan. With a Kamal Haasan fanboy.  With a Times of India reader.

This city makes me hate it. Not in a hateful way. But like how its mothers hate their children when they miss out on centum in maths exams by two marks. Why is there no perfection? It is possible, is it not? And it behaves like a kid that refuses to acknowledge that it has grown up. Why else will it still call its suburbs villages? Does it not see the cars parked on the streets because uncles, when they bought the apartments, never imagined they’d buy cars one day? And yet look! How they have grown!

This city makes me conservative. It tells me to have fun, but “within limits”. It reminds me of home the moment it strikes 9 in the night because I must call and tell them that I’m eating outside and don’t need dinner. I can lose myself in a party. But only until midnight. After which I have to head home. Always.

This city tempts me with its humble but powerful invisible force. Like the one coming from a plate of hot sambar vadai sprinkled with little onion pieces and topped with ghee.

This city makes me ask. It has everything I need but it’s all secretly stashed away out of sight. Like how a mother hides the biscuits from the child. It gives only if it feels like rewarding me.

This city doesn’t care how much money I have. It’s more interested in what I read. What sport do I follow. (Never mind if I don’t play one.) It is interested in my opinion. Can I engage in an intellectual discussion with it? In the comments section of a blog post? How about on Twitter?

This city makes me belong.

It doesn’t care about my appearance. It makes me feel completely comfortable in uncoordinated checked blue shirt and brown pants. It pretends like it matters where I come from. But it really doesn’t care. It doesn’t force me to speak its language. Instead, it will speak my language willingly. ‘Kaise ho mera dost?’ ‘Yemi babu?’ ‘Entha chetta?’

This city has got nothing special. Nothing makes it special.  

But this city is home. Like any city that is home, this city makes me…normal.

This city makes me.

When God is everywhere

I am on a mission.

Whenever someone tells you ki the world is coming to an end and the end is near because people have lost faith in God and that belief in God is reducing day by day and all that means DON’T BELIEVE THEM!

Today, more than ever, belief is growing only. Simply because the number of people on earth today is numerically more than the number of people on earth in 10,000 BC, right? And so numerically (even after adjusting for inflation and PPP) belief is also growing right? Arey we have been multiplying like crazy no? The only creature that is doing better than us is mosquito, but that is a different story. Leave that. But net-net in toto NPV of belief is more than ever.

Boss what are you saying ki people are not believing anymore and so we are losing all the traditional values? Come to my house. The display of devotion in just my house alone is enough to compensate for all the non-believers in the world. I think my family has it covered for all of us for this millennium.

In spite of all this, if something is not right means they cannot blame us.

I am complaining about all these long long religious procedures and lengthy literature directory that we have to recite on festival days means they are giving shorter version of the same thing saying, ‘These 4 lines if you say means, you will have the same benefit of saying the entire literature’. Arey! Then why to sit and say the entire thing and spend time? Unnecessary glorification of pain. You are only inventing shortcuts and then blaming the next generation for avoiding traditional practices means what is this?

Arey, earlier it used to be watching TV serials back to back. Like a silly goose, that day itself I should have not complained and let it be. At least TV serials have season 1 and season 2 etc. Then some genius thought of putting HD camera in all the temples. Now all the time, all seasons there is direct telecast from all the temples and all religious places in the world direct to TV!

As soon as Live Aarthi in one temple is over immediately they are changing TV channels to the next. Even God is like ‘Boss, slow down. I have not reached there yet.’

Ridiculous theories yaar. Values are degrading it seems. Here is a simple logic. Earlier days, no computer. So, no wallpaper. Today, there is computer. Computer has wallpaper. Wallpaper is God photo. Earlier, no God. Now, God. Got it?

Computer wallpaper is the simplest and most harmless avatar. Ringtones, caller tunes, plastic covers, calendars…CALENDARS! Boss I still have 1993 calendar card with God photo on my table! Because I don’t know what to do with it!

Iron Man 2 is going on TV means go to hell. Tony Stark can wait. ‘How many times will you watch the same movie again and again? Live Aarthi session comes only once….a day.’

This at least ok yaar. Aunty is going to that temple and correctly calling up the family and saying ‘I am there only. Can you see me on TV?’ and then they are like ‘Wait wait, don’t change channels, they will show aunty.’ What?! You want to watch the God or aunty on TV? So crazy man!

Already our childhood is scarred by that LTA thing where we took train, bus and flight to go from one temple to another. So many temple visits ki then only I realised what they meant by saying ‘God is everywhere.’

So we want to escape all that using technology but that also you are not letting means what to do?

Boss, broadband connection I am increasing all speed and free GB limit and everything so that I can download all latest TV series. But now I am getting ridiculous amounts of monthly bill and I am sitting and wondering, only one season is out and that too four episodes then how come I exhausted the download limit means only then I am realizing another kind of live streaming is going on. Any festival and function means direct Youtube only to access God. That too in HD.

In between, some devotional sites are sending some viruses also. What crazy irony!

I know they are always saying God is invisible and everywhere. I didn’t realize that they meant it literally. I think as long as there is ether and technology, God is not going anywhere.

This new year, Ban.

First of all, Ban honking. Then Ban Dhoom themed car-reversing tunes. Ban car reversing tunes.

Ban anger-inducing annoying stupid speed breakers that exist in the middle of the road for no reason other than to make men impotent. Ban public display of middle finger by angry car drivers. Ban angry people from driving cars. Ban angry people from driving anything. Ban anger.

Ban unhealthy food. Actually don’t. But ban them from being eaten by children. Ban peas pulao and one-fourth naan at buffet lunches during all-day bullet point filled power point presentations. Ban power point presentations. Ban bullets.

Ban reality television for kids. Ban children from talking like grownups. Ban grownups from stealing children’s childhood. Ban anything that takes away childhood from children.

Ban preferential treatment to car owners in hotels. Ban discrimination against single people.

Ban ridiculous marketing campaigns asking men to shave in order to get laid. Ban asking men to shave. Ban anything except condoms that men have to buy so that they can get laid.

Ban full page real estate ads. Ban any kind of real estate ads.

Ban ridiculously expensive mineral water that claims to have Gold, Silver, Bronze, Diamond, Emerald, Ruby, Sun, Moon, Milky Way, Big Bang, God Particle in ultramicroscopisitical quantities. Ban fairness cream. Ban photoshopping wrinkles. Ban wrinkle free creams to get that perfect fake smile. Ban fake smiles.

Ban messing with the hair to get that messy look. Ban baldness curing solutions.

Ban playing with guilt by NGOs.

Ban people from walking around the room while brushing their teeth.

Ban people from talking on mobile phones in movie theaters. Ban interfering when others are speaking. Ban unproductive Parliament adjournments.

Ban plastic chairs.

Ban complicating discussions on sports and music by elitists. Ban complications. Ban elitism. Ban priority seats. Ban priority seats until I am given priority seats.

Ban ‘Caveat Emptor’.

Ban laughing at others’ misery. Ban misery.

Ban using money as a measure to define success. Ban using social status to define success. Ban defining success.

Ban goodbyes.

Ban linguistic barriers. Ban contempt to familiarity.

Ban patriotism as an excuse. Ban boundaries.

Ban people from taking themselves seriously. Ban taking language seriously. Ban grammar nazis. Ban intolerance. Ban hiding behind tradition. Ban confusing history textbooks with Future for Dummies.

This and all too much to ask. So Happy New Year.

In those days..

I don’t understand this logic only. All our life we are focusing on the future and saving for the future and joining useless retirement-cum-insurance-cum-savings-cum-investment-cum-protection-for-the-kid-that-will-be-born-after-the-wedding-once-you-decide-to-get-married schemes so that we can live happily ever after and then you are going around puking nostalgia nostalgia into everyone’s ears means what is this?

First of all you tell me when is that ‘those days’? When does it begin? When does it end?

Arey, nostalgia is understandable. For that only every week they dedicate one page in The Hindu. Read it and be happy no? Why simply insisting ‘I miss those days. We must bring back those days. Things used to be so much better!’

What better? Metrowater used to come to our street and give us three buckets of water every day. Rascals. Three buckets?!

Arey you only complained ki if I go to State Bank and all the employees are not respecting us and they are so inefficient and this and that and so they put computers everywhere and automated all processes so that you won’t have to see the face of that uncle whom you hate so much. Now you are calling up the automated call centre insisting that you speak to the customer care executive and if they are delaying means again you are complaining ‘I miss those days when there used to be human touch’. Arey! Do you want computers or not?

If you want human interaction means tell properly. Don’t want means that also tell properly. You are only saying it is rude to be checking mobile phone all the time when there are other people around, make eye contact, make eye contact. So, in the train nice guy desperately tries to strike one conversation with pretty girl after desperately trying to make eye contact. (To reach this stage itself many levels of miracles and IRCTC blessings has to happen.) 

And then top of that you are avoiding the conversation by putting on earphones and sending out status updates and tweets saying ‘Creepy random guy trying to strike conversation. Successfully avoided by putting on earphones. Lulz.’ means how? If you give confusing signals like this means where to go and bang the head?

So much mixed signals. You only keep saying ki in those days kings used to take care of their ‘subjects’, kings used to be nice to people, kings were benevolent, kings were this, kings were that, the Great King built the Great Statues and all that.  If any damage happens to the statues these kings built means you are making so much noise and shouting our heritage is gone, no respect for culture and this country has gone to dogs and all that you are saying.

You want to carefully protect the statues that these kings built using public money in those days. You also want to bring back the Glorious Rule of the Great Kings from our Glorious Past.

Our politics fellows are looking at all of this and thinking, ‘Oho, so if we built statues means our future generation will think we are great’ and they are going and constructing statues using public money just like the Great King. Then immediately you are creating online petitions to stop wasteful expenditure of tax-payer’s money. What happened to nostalgia now?

You want nostalgia and take things back to where they were and so the TV people are noting all of this and going and bringing back all those old actors and making them dance and conduct horrible reality shows.

Anil Kapoor is not retiring only.

People are like where are all the gentlemen these days, there used to be so many gentlemen in those days and they are looking here and there and then they show him as the ultimate Gentleman of those days and people are going ‘Ewwww! So hairy and gross!’. Some people will start making jokes about his body hair and everybody will join in and laugh. As if they don’t have hair anywhere.

You wanted nostalgia no? Doesn’t look good or what?

Sitting on a high pedestal that Shakespeare himself vacated many centuries back you are commenting on all the new things that new people are trying to do and complaining ki this is not how it was traditionally done in those days, they are polluting the art, treating art with disrespect and all that.

And then when these new people become old, everybody is saying oh what a genius this that. Why all this trouble? One thing. If you are not able to appreciate the work of contemporaries, then they are definitely going to land up in the textbooks of the next generation.

Do one thing. Avoid all this and emulate the grandmother. She is happily sitting in front of the TV watching all TV serials and embracing the future quietly by refusing to give the TV remote while you are going around the city searching for ‘authentic local cuisine’ (that she can comfortably cook without any effort).

Totally miss the good old days when we really didn’t care about the past.

The greatest teacher of them all

Our teachers taught us languages. They taught us to speak, read, write, shout and whisper words. They taught us meanings and taught us what to say. But they never disclosed the power of these words. No one taught us that words could make us laugh. Or cry. Or heal. Or make us fall in love. Or could be used as weapons to hurt.

They taught us science. They taught us its wonders. They taught us how things work. They took us deep into the oceans and into the space and beyond. They asked us to question. They asked us to think rationally. But they didn’t tell us when to stop questioning and start believing. They didn’t tell us anything about having faith.

The teachers taught us mathematics. To add. And multiply. Subtract, but only if we can afford to. Borrow, if need be. They took us into the fascinating world of numbers so that we could get lost in them for the rest of our lives chasing them. They taught us volumes and quantities. Of measures and comparison. But they never told us how much is too much. They didn’t teach us that when some debts are not repaid, the loss cannot be quantified.

They taught us geography. Of countries and capitals. Of boundaries and barriers. But they never taught us that the boundaries exist only inside the head.

They taught us history. They took us back in time. They told us who won. And who lost. But never why. They didn’t teach us how not to go to war. To learn from our mistakes. They taught us to romanticise the victors. Pity the losers. Of conquests and battles. But they didn’t tell us how not to let success get to the head.

They tested us to see how we handled pressure. But they never tested us to see how we handle fame. Or criticism.

They taught us to compete. To win a debate. To rebut a point. But they didn’t teach us that it’s alright to speak our heart out and express our opinion and not feel guilty about it. They never tested us to see if we would let differing opinions survive around us without feeling insecure.

They didn’t teach us the devastating power of anger. Or that actions performed in a moment of anger may never be undone. Ever.

They didn’t teach us the importance of our loved ones. Or that we must never hate them because they may be gone the next day and we may never see them again for the rest of our lives.

They sure didn’t teach us how to fall in love. Or how to express our love to the girl. Or boy. Nor did they teach us to celebrate it. They never quantified the power of attraction between two human beings. And they didn’t tell us what would happen to us when that attraction disappeared in one quick instant. They never taught us how to handle real pain.

They didn’t teach us a lot of things because we were not ready for a long time. And when we were ready, they knocked down the walls of protection around us and flung us right into the greatest classroom of all. The student was ready for lessons from the greatest teacher of them all. Our very own Master Oogway. Life.

This means war

'Oh my god our distant cousin just beat his wife and children! That too in the most horrible manner!'


'He has never been a good person. Beats his own family. What kind of a person beats his own family?'


'Blimey! I mean, did you see how he hurt? Can you imagine how cruel he must be to hurt like that? We have a whole different way of hurting, but that is so ethical. What this guy is doing inside his house is so unacceptable. So much violation!'


'Come let's go and hurt him jolly good.'


'Oh wait, I will also join you, ami. I am anyway sick and tired of dealing with problems in my house. I want some fun too.'


'Oh hang on, are you guys going inside his house to hurt him? Do you think that's ok?'


'Right ho! We know he hurts his family, he is a wife beater, but the way in which he hurt his people this time is totally unacceptable.'


'What do you expect, old fella? That we sit on the sidelines and watch innocent people being tortured? I am with Big Brother on this.'


'Oui oui.'


'Ok ok wait, let's send some police in there and let them find out if what you say is true.'


'You don't jolly understand jolly good fellow. The police will never find out.'


'Oui oui. Le police are being cheated and misdirected.'


'But we still don't know for sure. Wait no! Let the police come out with its report.'


'Ok ok. Here is a solution. Let us call our entire family and see if they agree that we go into his house and beat him. If they agree, we will go.'


'I think that sounds like a good idea. Listen, I have the biggest family here. I represent one-sixth of the entire family and I think we should wait.'


'Listen buddy, I don't really like you, but my house is the biggest around here. I am also telling you, let us call him to the family house and talk to him.'


'What ho, are you talking? We are the family. You can have your opinions but we gave money for this family house and so we decide what the family is going to do. As it is, we don't really care what the family thinks. This family house is a nice outlet for you guys to come and talk, so please feel free to talk. We will do what we really want to do.'


'Arey, listen no! Don't put us into such embarrassing position again and again yaar! I know you give us a lot of money, but what to do right now, I am also convinced ki we should wait but if I tell you means you will not give us money and I dont know what is going to happen and I am so confused all the time and I never go to other people's house and beat them but what to do I am so confused oh no…'


'If we go inside his house how, that fellow will go batshit and go around beating other families around him and it will be a bigger problem. Please. Let us go talk to him.'


'Oye. You first look inside your house and see how many people are beating each other up. School children are being damaged by other school children and you are here trying to set other people's families right. Go go. If you have money to spend means give it to poor people or something. No need to feed bouncers so that they can go inside other people's houses and beat them up.'

'WAR!!!!!!! WAR!!!!!! WAR!!!!!!!'

'Boss, I know I am in your family, but last time itself we did something like this and that fellow's house is still damaged. His family members are still running in the streets like mental fellows and so much damage has happened. Our credit card limit also got exhausted and our own family people were left homeless. Wait, no?'


'It's ok ami. We will just go inside, tap his head, knock him unconscious, and come out.'


'If need be, we will also liberate the family and find a new head of the family. The barmy fellow must go. And I never really liked his house. So hot and ugly.'


'Do you not understand what we are saying? Are you really not listeni…'

'…These wankers will keep yakking. Come on jolly good fellow. It's time for action.'

'Oui oui.'

'What would I do without you guys? Fellow, ami, come let's go. WAR!!!!!!!'

Family functions

There are some things I don’t understand. Or some people. Both are same. Aunties and uncles for example. Who invented them? And why?

Function in the house means first they are only landing. 

Who is asking the aunty to come all the way from some suburb way outside the city and pester me with uncomfortable questions? Other than the usual M question, she goes on pestering about how I have forgotten her and how I am not giving respect to her. ‘Not even once you felt like coming and seeing your aunty no? Everytime I only have to come!’, she is blackmailing sentimentally. Arey who will want to go all the way to some some suburb and eat home cooked food and snooze and come back in the evening? What is this? 1980s or what? You have any idea how rare one weekend is? Comes only once a week.

While scolding me, she is also fighting with the mother. Some leftover argument from last time she starts with her and continues. At the same time she is handing over a bag full of vegetables she bought near the bus stop. (Aunty-uncle living in the suburb still swear by public transport and auto is still a luxury. Ayyo.) Loud pitched verbal diarrhoea is happening and at the same time she sits on the floor stretching her legs and starts cutting the vegetables and is helping mother cook, all the time arguing something or the other with her. Absolutely no connection between the actions and words.

And randomly she is bringing in uncle for special effects. ‘Uncle has been asking about you for so many days now. At least to see him you can come no?’ And then she is turning to the mother and asks ‘Is your son so busy that he cannot come and even see his uncle?’.

Poor uncle is standing the middle of the house with his hands on his hips and staring at the blank wall. He has spotted some ants and trying to trace their path or something. And then he asks about my work life and where I travelled last on work. When I tell where, he asks which train I took and then he takes off on a journey of his own about different trains going to the same town. 

I don’t understand it but senior citizens are always having some fascination towards railways and go crazy about discussing train routes. ‘Train will stop in Jolarpettai for 20 minutes, Train arrived at Katpadi junction on time…’ something or the other about the train timing they want to keep on talking. Trainporn. I think they all secretly wanted to be train drivers or something but their father said ‘What? You will put coal into the engine for the rest of your life or what? Go do bank job, go’. Anyway.

Uncle is casually showing off his worldly knowledge he gathered from the newspaper that morning and then mother hands out coffee to him. Aunty, meanwhile, has finished cutting vegetables and is now helping mother cook in the kitchen.

Then other people arrive.

'Welcome welcome' uncle says loudly. Aunty looks out from the kitchen and joins him. 'Welcome welcome..where are the kids?', she asks the visitors. Suddenly, from being visitors themselves, they are now part of the family, doing things we should be doing.

And then some argument or the other happens with the newcomer ‘Now only you found the route to this house is it?’. And then the whole process again. Uff.

And then like a fool I am sitting and wondering why uncle and aunty are so annoying. Of course they will be annoying. There is a reason why they do not say ‘excuse me’ and ‘please’ if they want water. There is a reason why they want to add as friends on social network. There is a reason why they come to my house and talk in loud voices disturbing my sleep and interrupting my Whatsapp flirts. There is a reason why they act like real human beings with raw emotions. Because they belong. Because they are family.

10 things you should not do with a woman

(Ladies, this is advice for men. If you are still reading this means don’t come shouting at me. I am not responsible.)

10. Do not argue or try arguing with the ladies. Especially if they happen to be your mother. (Equally applicable to others.) Even if you are winning, you will walk away feeling you have lost.

9. Do not think you can overtake or even try to overtake some ladies in traffic. Because the main thing is they don’t have any distraction on the road. But you are having a major distraction on the road. Them. Even if you succeed, you will be caught by the traffic police at the next signal and the ladies will be happily going past you. Worst thing is, even then they will not turn and look at you.

8. Don’t try to get into or discuss misogyny stuff with them. Some ladies I know can do it better than men.

7. When you are out with the ladies shopping for something on the pavement, don’t show off by trying to take the lead and bargain with the shopkeeper. He will look at you top to bottom and take his stuff back and ask you to leave. Wait for the ladies to start bargaining and that fellow’s starting price will be half of your final offer.

6. Whatever you do, better don’t assume that women don’t know bad words and get into an argument based on their puppy-face innocent looks. Boss, I am telling you, one woman I know knows so much bad words that I suffered severe internal brain damage listening to her. New new dictionaries are waiting to be written.

5. Sports. Avoid discussing this ladies. No No. Not because of the stereotype that women don’t follow sports and all that. Actually the opposite. The other day I was randomly showing off my love for cricket to one girl and she immediately jumped up and started talking about changing Sri Lankan cricket scenario. Boss who follows Sri Lankan cricket anyway, that too if India is not even playing! And she kept quoting so many statistics about the players that at some point I was seriously considering following carrom board or something. If they tell you they don’t follow sports, don’t discuss sports. Discuss something else that makes good conversation. If they tell you they follow sports, then also don’t discuss sports. You are doing your pride a big favour.

4. Do not try to outdo the ladies by reading more books than they read. That is impossible. No. Don’t even protest. They are reading all sorts of authors and all sorts of books that you will be beginning to think you have to quit your fulltime job to even match that amount of reading. If you have read 2,54,874 books in your lifetime, your lady friend would have read 2,54,875 books, many of them even depressing titles. And despite all this, you will be finding hardly any common authors worthy enough for conversation. Except P.G.Wodehouse. Of course.

3. Just don’t think ki all women can cook great. One friend couple I know, that guy is a horrible cook. That woman is even more horrible. One day I went to eat with them. That guy only cooked. That woman was saying ‘Yummmmyyyyyy’. Boss, there was no salt only! What kind of culinary skill is this?

2. Don’t lose your ordinariness. ‘Prince charming’ in white horse, vampire, ‘knight in shining armour ‘and all that the ladies will say, but ordinary fellow wins in the end.

1. VERY VERY IMPORTANT. Do not challenge a woman in a gym. I am serious. If you go to a gym means just go, look down all the time, do your routine, come back home and drink milk. If you think, ‘Pfft, a woman, I can do better than her’ means, all the best.

One pretty woman in the gym was putting off her headphones in her ears. She looked like she was getting ready to jog or walk on the treadmill. Correct that’s what I thought. Wrong. Boss, she pressed some buttons and started running. Like, real running. The kind of running you and I have last done only on a day when we forgot to polish our school shoes and our PT teacher had a fight with the spouse that morning.

I kid you not man, I tried to match her speed for exactly 11 seconds before I tripped and fell off the treadmill and my foot got caught in the moving rubber and I was rolling over and under the treadmill in circles but she was running as if nothing was happening! Arey, focus while exercising is good, but this kind of focus is too much yaar.

They called an ambulance for me and all and she was still running when the paramedics took me inside the ambulance, completely unaware of my life situation for which she was responsible. Later I checked, it seems she was still running when the gym was closing for the day and when the neighbouring shop owner looked through the glass when the last light was switched off, she was still running.

So boss, take my advice. And take care of yourself.

Happy Women’s Day.

Circus elephant and the naked chameleon

Boss something is wrong with this world. I am sitting here trying to change the world but so many distractions are happening and I am not able to change even a ten rupee note into coins. Some problems yaar. I don’t know how to explain only. Because I myself don’t know what the problem is!

See I am following all the rules in the traffic. OK not all. This red signal-orange signal is a big confusion all the time. So sometimes I pleasure the rebel in myself by breaking the traffic signals. I mean, not like climbing up the pole and throwing down the traffic light and breaking it types. But, generally breaking the rules.

But seriously, when I am breaking the rules, nobody is around ok? So net damage is zero. But when I am following the rules and someone else breaks the rules no, I bloody want to break his face only. It is because of stupid people like this that the country is still ‘developing’ (whatever that means).

Arey the other day, this fellow made a joke about me and told me itself! How dare he? I was about to slap him only. He asked me whether it was a bad joke! Arey! How can he make fun of me? Boss I will tell jokes about everyone and make people laugh (making people laugh is such a noble thing), I will make fun of all actors and politicians and other people’s physical appearances and might even get paid for it, but if someone makes fun of me means, that’s all. I will whoop their ass in public, baby. Sorry boss, I can only tell jokes but I can’t take jokes.

So I wrote this giant article about a movie by one actor who is a megalomaniac and uses all possible ways to promote his work, ok? That fellow usually shamelessly plugs his works and goes about selling his art, something that he has invested in for decades. So I wrote a nice article against his silly methods. Boss it was such a beautiful article I wrote, I wanted everyone to read and appreciate my criticism. I asked people to share it and retweet it and like it and comment on it. Then one stupid fellow is putting a comment and criticising ki he didn’t like my critique. What the hell yaar? How can he say such a thing?

I want to look around and beat up people like that.

I especially want to beat up people who look at other human beings as pieces of meat. I want to break their jaws if they make dirty comments in public. How dare they look at other people as if they were objects?! Boss I will secretly admire film stars and models and fantasise about them but you cannot do it. Please. Not in my presence. Privately you do whatever you want to do or behave however you want to behave and regard other human beings as you want to, but in public, behave as if you are basically a nice person. Because who I really am not is not important for you. What others think of me is only important. So I will behave like a nice person and not really offend anyone openly.

But you know how I will slyly offend people. For that also I have a technique.

I will insult them by giving ‘offensive tags’ to natural processes. I will call older people as ‘uncle-based’ and ‘aunty-types’. Because being called old is bad and being called young is good, you see. I will call fat people fat. Because being called fat is bad but being called slim is good.

Ugly is bad. Beautiful is good. [Ok, this one I didn’t understand properly. Because if someone is not naturally beautiful but appears beautiful because of using make up, then what is there to be proud of? That beauty is anyway artificial. If someone is naturally beautiful from birth, then also what is there to be proud of? That person had nothing to do with their beauty. They were just born that way. Full confusion yaar!]

Anyway, that is the basic problem. I am telling them to do one thing and everybody is doing exactly the opposite. So many serious problems are there in the world and we are talking about such silly issues.

Ok come let’s discuss about changing the world.